Love In WARTIME
by DayAndNightForYou
Summary: How much can twenty-four months away from home change your life? Is it possible to lose everything you thought it was yours in that short amount of time? For Santana, that is definitely possible. It is happening. G!P Santana.
1. Prologue

Love is taking possession of something, someone. Search in others that thing that fills personal expectations of affection, companionship.

Love is making ours what is not ours, it is take possession or want something/someone complete to ourselves, because at some point we recognize the lack of complements.

Love is waiting, it is stick to things and to people based on our needs. Then, when we have no reciprocity we suffer. When that person, so dear to us, do not love us back we feel frustrated and disappointed.

When someone love someone, they have expectations, hope for something. If the other person does not give what they expect, they suffer. The big problem and the cause of pain is that there is a greater chance that the other person has other motivations, we are all very different. Every human being is an universe.

Love is wanting the best for the other, even if you have very different motivations. Love is to allow you to be happy, even when the road is different. It is a selfless feeling, completely from the heart. Thus, love will never be the cause of suffering.

That makes sense? Because when a person says that he or she has suffered for love, actually they didn't. They suffered, yes, but they suffered for want so much something that the other person wasn't capable of give, not for love. You suffer from addictions. If you really love, you can not suffer, because nothing was expected from that person.

When we love we give without asking anything in return, just for the pure pleasure of giving. But it is also true that this installment, this awareness, selfless, is given only in knowledge. We can only love what we know, because love involves jumping into the void, entrust your life and soul to someone. And the soul is not compensated, is knowing your joy, your peace, but also your anger, your struggles. Because love transcends anger and struggles too, not just times of joy.

Love is feel yourself confident that no matter what, you're going to be there for that person, not because your owe them something, it's a selfish possession this time. Love is knowing that your love will not change with the time, nor the storms, nor the winters.

Love is give that person a place in your heart. And forever.

Give love does not deplete love, on the contrary, it increases. The way to repay such love, is to open your heart and be loved.

And she loved—God, how she loved.

Against anything. Against the world.

That's why she can't understand any of this. And right now, the pain is clouding her reason, making everything more difficult.

Twenty-four months serving in the army. Twenty-four months working for the United States of America's government. And it was all over.

Seemingly, twenty four months were enough to forget about their love.

Wasn't the sacrifice and danger just a cruel wait before get back home with her? All deaths that went through her eyes, all the scars that she gained, sounds of bombs, screams and dead bodies all over the place. Wasn't that just a brutal nightmare before waking up next to her and be happy again?

Her blood, shed in every battle, the anguish, wasn't worth it?

Well it wasn't.

And she just realized that the moment she landed on New York after two years of non—communication, no mails, no letters, no photos, no nothing given the dimensional distance.

She remembers how excitedly she dialed her number from a public phone right after getting out of the plane. Just to find out that it wasn't her number anymore.

So she asked for help, she asked to her—hopefully—ex captain if he could look up for someone in his special computer's system just when he was about to enter a taxi to finally get home after a long flight.

And he did, he helped her. But what she found out smashed all her world.

Her dreams, future, expectations, they all crashed on the floor. It was like watching her life in front of her eyes completely destroyed.

Quinn.

Married with a man named Noah.

A daughter, one or two years old.

All of them happily living in a house near Central Park.

It was unreal, it was devastating and painful. So painful that Santana could swear she stopped breathing for a whole minute.

Seeing that it wasn't what she expected to see, her captain tried to ask her what was wrong, but she couldn't talk, she couldn't move, she couldn't function. So he got into the car leaving her standing there. Alone and lonely, with her heart breaking inside of her as tears were already making their way out of her tired eyes.

In Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan Santana did not know where heaven ended and where hell began.

Now she knows it.

Four years together. Twenty four months away from each other. And it was all over.

Love is not about waiting, it seems.


	2. Chapter 2

Fear often keeps her focused on the past or worried about the future, about what will happen now. If she could only acknowledge her fear, then she could realize that right now she's okay. Right now, today, she's still alive, and her body is working marvelously. Her eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Her ears can still hear the voices and her hands can still touch.

But what's all of that without _her_?

She has the strength to sit with a dying patient in the silence of her living-room, the same living-room where she shared uncountable and unforgettable moments with her love. Now this physical space that seemed to speak to them years ago is lifeless and empty.

As she looked at her phone, still off after two years, the fifth glass of whiskey was already in her hand, the ice was melted, but the strong and bitter flavor that often help people to forget was still there.

The thrill goes beyond words. It was dark and sad. The sound of rain falling on her window is frightening and painful, every drop of water has an impressive weight, she can hear how they fall like concrete on the window. Santana wonders if it's okay to even feel this amount of ache right _against_ her chest. Needles are stuck so deep in her heart that she may as well be dead right now.

New York's weather match perfectly her void soul.

But despite her sadness and cloudy vision due to tears, when she first arrived to her apartment, treading familiar ground, what caught her attention immediately was how clean the place looked. Obviously Quinn doesn't live there anymore, she lives now with her new family for what Santana assumes since a long time ago, but even so, the place was resplendent, tidy. All well organized and clean.

It made her wonder if she was already going crazy, but she didn't give much thought to that and went straight to buy some alcohol and some food.

An exorbitant amount of alcohol.

Someone once told her that if she's patient enough in moments of anger and desperation, she will escape a hundred days of sorrow. But she has been patient, hell she has been patient her whole life. She's the Queen of patient; and yet, she can't seem to escape one single second of sorrow since she landed in New York.

We all feel angry sometimes. Most of the time, we can deal with feelings of anger or irritability quickly. We may resolve the situation or look at the problem from a different perspective. But still so, anger can cause problems in our lives and the lives of those around us.

A typical destructive emotion.

She does feel angry, she feels rage even, but above those negative feelings she feels destroyed and betrayed.

She can't begin to count how many times she and Quinn planned their perfect future together. Bright and happy future. It was all planned, every detail of their future was already written. But that's the funny thing about planning things, you never know whether you're going to succeed or not.

And she clearly didn't.

She succeeded in the war, however. If not, she wouldn't be here.

Three countries, one for shelter and insulation and the other two to battle.

She's not proud of what she did, she thinks she will never be. If one thing, she regrets have signed for the army. It was not her victory, it was not her triumph. She feels sick to even think about all people who died in those two years, people that's still out there, fighting and killing innocent lives. But when you sign for you country, there's nothing you can do to back out.

Her impulsive decision has led her to this. Yet, in that precise moment when the thought seemed to be the best option, nothing else mattered. She was alone, she didn't have any sibling and her mom had just died given an advanced cancer. Her father was never in the picture. Not even the fact of knowing that she would be attending NYU in the fall was enough to stop her. Santana needed something, she needed to prove to someone that she was good at something. And what else better that serve your country In The Army? And it was just six months of hard training, so everything was fine.

It was perfect. The best idea of all the times.

Until it wasn't.

Santana Lopez was always tolerable enough to hear people talk about love at first sight or sappy things like that, especially their so cheesy and annoying friends Rachel and Kurt. Though, that didn't mean she needed to hide the natural roll of her eyes and leave the conversation as fast quickly as possible. She does/did have an imagination, but she just couldn't allow herself to suspend disbelief long enough to believe that love at first sight was actually possible.

She remembers that precise year when she met her, how she'd been on more than ten blind dates aside of keep fucking whoever hot chick would be willing to give her what she wanted. But she never had a real connection with any of them. And whenever someone would mention her single state, she'd just change the subject and tried to convince herself that she was perfectly happy being single.

Well the truth is, even though she didn't really believe in fairy tales, she couldn't help but wish for her very own love story, someone capable of sweep _the_ Santana Lopez off of her feet.

It may sounds cheesy, but somehow she just knew she was looking at the most special person in this shitty world when she first locked eyes with Quinn.

 _She had arrived only two weeks ago. Six months away from home, in the desert training with the American troops. And this was her first moment of truly relaxation._

 _The moment the small cup of coffee was placed in front of her,_ _her mood improved_ _and a tiny smile_ _made its appearance on her lips._

 _Santana has a friday morning tradition, reading whatever book she was reading at the time for an hour at her favorite 24 hour coffee shop near her apartment and New York University, where she needed to be in two more hours. And of course, drink a well needed coffee before start another busy day._

 _She would normally spend a friday night out with a girl, having sex probably the whole night until early in the morning, or she would spend it with Rachel and Kurt, and sometimes Kurt's boyfriend as well. But today she really doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hear her friends tell her once again how stupid it was for her to sign for the army. So that's not an option._

 _A night of sex it is then._

 _She concentrated again in her interesting book, and just when she was getting to the part of the book where the mystery was to be revealed, hot coffee spilled all over her book and legs,_ _wetting her clothes_ _._

 _She was furious, and she started yelling at the offender as she tried to salvage what was left of the poor book._

 _Unbelievable_ _._

 _How stupid can be so people?_

 _She'll have now to go back to her apartment and change her clothes. More likely; First period absent._

 _She tried to dry her tight jeans but it was already too late. The liquid was all over her clothes and floor._

 _Given the silence of the other person, Santana finally stand up to really give the person a piece of her mind, but her mind went blank. She felt like she was looking at someone she'd expected to see all of her life. And the beautiful, beautiful blonde in front of her must have felt the same way because they just stood there, staring at each other for long seconds if not minutes._

 _Perfect features._

 _Perfect gorgeous, hazel eyes._

 _Perfect body apparently._

 _Just, perfect._

 _And God, her scent, her perfume, her fragrance. Whatever you want to name the intoxicating smell that was already flying straight to her nose and into her lungs_ _was addicting._

 _A small ray of sunlight was shining directly in her face, and Santana literally felt how her heart melted,_ _her breath hitched._

 _"I... I didn't see you. I'm sorry." The girl apologized, nervous._ _The innocence and sweetness of her voice was like traveling to the most pleasurable place with clouds whispering in your ear. She was sure that anyone could get confused and think they were in heaven with this angel._

 _She's thinking that now._

 _Santana has never before wanted to swallow all her insults back as much as right now._

 _She was at a loss of words. And that was just because of the beauty she was witnessing in that instant._

 _She watched however, how slender fingers grabbed her messy book beside her to dry out the coffee with her own pretty gray cardigan._

 _"I'm so sorry, I lost track of time and I was in such a hurry to get out of here and arrive in time to my class that I just tried to run and didn't see you. I can pay for this book if you want to or I can buy you another coffee, whatever you think it's better. I'm really sorry."_

 _Apparently the lack of words in that moment wasn't a problem for this girl like it was for Santana. And surprisingly she found herself smiling at this stranger and her cute nervous ramble._

 _Suddenly, she wasn't that mad anymore._ _Quite the opposite, she felt oddly calm and happy._

 _"What's your name?" She asked_ _with her eyes still in hers_ _,_ _almost like trying to decipher the mystery behind that shine. She_ _surprised herself with the dumb question once the words were out._

 _The_ _intriguing and beautiful_ _girl seems confused at first, showing a small but remarkable frown on her gorgeous face. But then she smiles, and that's when Santana's internal system stops altogether._

 _Attractive?_ _No_

 _Sexy?_ _No_

 _Pretty? Hell no._

 _It's better. Jeez, it's terrifying how is hundred of times better than any of those words. That hypnotizing smile can't be described with any already existing term in the dictionary._

 _Smiling is crucial when it comes to first impressions. Smiling when you first meet someone could indicate so many things, a lot of different things. And this girl really made the best of impressions with that smile. It r_ _eflected an almost strange and unfamiliar spark around her body. Illuminating the whole room._

 _She smiles with the eyes._

 _The tingle in Santana's stomach was indeed distracting._

 _"I'm Quinn."_ _Her smile grew a little bit more as she stretched her arm to put the book over the small table again._ _Her name was pretty too, Santana couldn't help but notice that detail. Then_ _Quinn politely offered her the same hand to shake it a_ _nd i_ _t caught Santana completely off guard._ _"And you are?" The girl_ _inquired expectant._

 _Santana carefully reached her hand to obey the gesture and she grabbed her warm hand. It fit so perfectly in hers that she wondered right away if someone made her small white hands molded on with hers._

 _The_ _thrilling yet weird_ _thing of this encounter, was that their eyes had not left each other's not even for the minimal fraction of seconds._

 _"Santana," She nodded dumbfounded._

 _"Santana." Quinn breathed her name easily, her smile lingered. She slowly and with an unnecessary softness pulled away her hand. "So, how can I pay for my mistake?"_

 _It was almost embarrassing how Santana was still at a loss of words._

 _A strange hint of hope in the back of her mind took over her senses for a second there. She was going to use this accident as an excuse and think about something to prolong her interaction with Quinn._

 _Her first class this morning was long forgotten._

 _"Actually don't worry about it, I get these books for free in my college's library._ _But if you want to, you can go with me to explain Mr. Robinson why the hell his book_ _is soaked with coffee." Santana offered a gentle smile._

 _And it wasn't really necessary, not at all. But there was something about this girl that drew her and she really needed to spend a little more time with her._

 _She didn't_ want _to spend more time with her. She_ needed to.

 _Santana saw how beautiful and unique hazel eyes got big and a frown appeared on her face once again. She looked confused but with some kind of anticipation. The hypnotizing smile never leaving her face._

 _"Which_ _college are you in?"_

 _"NYU, why?"_

 _Quinn giggled happy, and if her smile was fascinating, her adorable giggle was wonderful, captivating. But it was e_ _ven more wonderful to hear how they were actually studying in the same college._

 _Santana wasn't aware of how f_ _ate was about to surprise her._

Old minds and cheesy pretentious people would say that it was love at first sight. That the whole world outside them disappeared and their lines of life joined in the most unusual and magnificent way.

But it wasn't like that.

It wasn't love at first sight or life changing and the sky didn't transform in marshmallows when they locked eyes, it was more simple; the word _connection_ would be accurate. It was an open window to discover the flaws and flawless of someone else, to figure out new and thrilling things with the fear of not knowing anything.

Although, deep inside, trapped in her heart, Santana knew in that moment that Quinn was different, different to any other girl that has previously crossed her way. And it wasn't her stunning beauty outstanding above all women or her so positive aura, nor the way her eyes fluttered towards Santana in a blissful way. It wasn't that, but it was something about her eyes.

Something about those gorgeous hazel eyes got under Santana's skin right away. The mystery, the innocence, the purity, everything. It was everything, looking into those eyes was everything. Yet, Santana couldn't quite say what was behind them. It was like wake up every day with the sun in your face, that moment when the sun is rising behind the mountains and the first rays begin to illuminate every place with a powerful light but ironically, darkening the view at the same time; you can't see anything. In that precise instant you can't see with clarity what's around you. You really want to, but you can't.

Try to look at the bright and imposing sun for more than ten seconds without batting an eye, it is impossible. It's full of life and light, it shines with its radiance, but you can't quite see anything. And that's exactly what happened to Santana with Quinn's eyes. Beautiful, unique eyes that she couldn't see past them, not even if she would have tried hard enough.

 _"I can't believe we go to the same college." Quinn told her with a charming smile, oddly excited while they both kept walking to get there._

 _The coffee spilled over Santana's clothed and book was already forgotten. And she really didn't know why was that. Why she didn't keep yelling at the blonde in the coffee shop like she would normally do? Instead, Santana couldn't imagine yelling at her again._

 _But she guessed that sometimes, you just meet someone and before you know their name, before you know where they're from, you know that sometime in the future this person is going to mean something to you. Whatever that means._

 _"Yeah, it's weird." She said it out loud. More so to answer her thoughts than Quinn._

 _"So what are you studying?" Quinn tilted her head to the side for a better look, their friendly distance was distance enough to waft the scent of Quinn straight to her nose._

 _The already crowded streets with oddly dressed people chattering loudly about who knows what, made the simple act of walk a little too hard, and Santana at this time, with this situation, would be two steps away from going crazy. But with the way that Quinn kept looking at her to find her eyes, the cuteness of that stupid yet sweet gesture, she couldn't find the slightest hint of annoyance within her._

 _"Publicity."_

 _It was a short answer, mordacious and bashful. And she really was dying to ask her what she was studying as well, but she didn't trust her voice anymore. She was having a really intense battle with her thoughts, wondering why the hell she was acting like she had no game at all._

 _"That must be interesting, I'm studying Art." Quinn continued with the brightest smile Santana had ever seen in someone. And somehow, Santana kind of pictured the gorgeous girl studying something along the lines, so it was no surprise there._

 _She nodded to acknowledge what Quinn said while they kept walking._

 _Silence is also a conversation. All conversations would be vastly improved by the constant use of body language. We had body language before we had speech, and apparently, most of the part of what you understand in a conversation is read through the body, not the words, strangely. And that was how Quinn and Santana communicated with each other for a few seconds._

 _Their eyes kept searching the other and shy smiles kept playing on their lips. But then Quinn naturally and effortless broke the silence to talk with Santana again._

 _In any other circumstance, Santana would have found Quinn a bit annoying, but the kindness in her words, the subtleness in every question thrown her way was anything but annoying._

 _The conversation between them was finally fluid and harmonious. Santana lost the nervousness and the air around them felt even better._

 _Sometimes you really have to disconnect to stay connected for awhile. A single conversation across the street with a stranger apparently, it's better than ten years of good books and a lonely coffee in a coffee shop._

 _It felt, right._

 _"If I remember well, when I went to the Initiation, your campus was next to mine." Quinn tentatively said once they were entering the big and prestigious university._

 _"You went to the Initiation?" Santana inquired arching an incredulously eyebrow. Quinn was definitely a beautiful dork._

 _"You didn't?" She questioned back, her eyes stunning with surprise and astonishment and Santana couldn't help but smile._

 _"I think It's unnecessary,"_

 _Quinn shook her head smiling_ _._

 _They were about to reach the stairs that would took them to the library when Quinn grabbed Santana's hand._

 _Her nerves on her hand were sensitive and so, so conscious of Quinn's own hand in hers. The warmth, softness, the pressure. It felt different than when she grabbed her hand at the coffee shop. A really good, extraordinary kind of different._

 _They locked eyes one more time and Santana could swear that she felt butterflies as well as a tingle within her belly._

 _Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone's hand, is the beginning of a journey._

 _"I have a better idea," Quinn declared before letting go of her hand. Not even aware of th_ _e things_ _she just made Santana feel with the contact of her fingers pressed against the back of her hand. "I'm already late for my first class, so why don't we meet up in two hours? I can buy you that wasted coffee that I spilled and I can help you clean up your book. What do you think?" She finished adorably nervous._

 _In that moment Santana couldn't say nor do any other thing than to look at Quinn. Engrossed in her beauty. She still didn't know how to interpret this crazy morning, but all that she did know was that she would kill for another moment with Quinn. So she nodded._

 _She nodded and the stranger in front of her grinned joyfully, breaking everything around them with her attractive and apparently, own super-power that was her smile._

 _Now, how fast can two hours pass?_

* * *

Six days have already passed since she landed in New York. And she still has not talked to anyone. No one knows she's back. No one knows she's _alive._

Come to think about it, two years can be a lifetime or it could be just, two years. Two years of non-communication can be judged with theories. Encouraging news or devastating ones. But it was not her fault, it was not for the lack of trying. It wasn't her fault that she could never communicate with their friends and Quinn after the second month. It was her captain's fault for not wanting to attract attention to themselves and their secret refuge.

It wasn't her fault. Yet, she feels guilty. She feels guilty for leaving Quinn alone and postpone all their plans. She feels guilty and wondered everyday if Quinn still believed in her, in her promise of come back. In her promise of for ever.

But judging by her daughter's age, she stopped believing short months after her last letter.

Apparently absence erases people. The absence, her absence definitely had the worst impact she could have thought of.

It's so, _so_ much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone. Quinn showed her the light, and she will never forget that, _her_. You can decorate absence however you want but you still gonna feel what's missing. She's been decorating Quinn's absence and her new happy life with alcohol and cigarettes, but the ache in her chest is still there. It doesn't go away.

Then out of nowhere, she hears that all too familiar sound.

Someone is inserting a key to open the front door that is only a few meters away.

Her heartbeats stopped.

Just one more person has the keys to enter this apartment.

The mind and the body are inextricably entwined, and rarely are their inseparability clearer than when we're under some kind of mental pressure. Her nervous system reacts.

Accelerated pulse rate.

Increased respiration.

Sweating.

She froze up.

But even so, with the little strength left that she has, she stands up.

She hadn't been this nervous since the last disastrous night in Iraq, where half of her partners died.

She glances straight to the door expectant. But is not Quinn whom appears behind with a shocked expression. Is her friend.

Rachel Barbra Berry.

If she hasn't married _too_ and that's still her last name.

She looks more mature, more beautiful too. And she heard Santana's last advice about let her hair grow a little bit more. Her taste for clothes has slightly changed as well, is like seeing a new Rachel.

She was still standing next to the door frame. Analyzing her with wide eyes. A moment of truth and realization crossed her features for a second and then, she ran.

She ran to Santana and gave her the biggest hug she had ever give her. Wrapping all of Santana's drunk body in her arms, nearly making her fall to the floor.

"I can't believe it." Rachel whispered against her hair, her tiny arms tightened.

Her voice sounded much cooler than before as well.

The hug, after two years of no hugs, gives Santana butterflies in her stomach. For the first time since she arrived to her home that feels just like hell now; Santana smiled. She smiled into the warmth of Rachel's body before hugging her back.

"I missed you." She drunkenly declares, lingering and postponing as long as she can the embrace.

"God, I missed you too. So much." Rachel quickly responded. The fragile emotion shown in her voice melted Santana's now cold heart. She just hugged her tighter against her body."But I don't understand, they said-" Rachel added but then she stopped herself. She pulled back to look into Santana's lifeless eyes.

A smile curled off Santana's face. But the seriousness and still surprise in Rachel's eyes aside of the tears, quickly ended with her grin. And in her intoxicating state, Santana stupidly absorbed what Rachel said in the wrong way.

"What is it that you can't understand? I'm back, aren't you happy about it?"

"I am! I really am, but this is still a surprise. They said... we watched the news and, you were there... We thought that- Even your commander here told us-" She stops herself once again, shaking her head.

Her arms were still tangled in Santana's waist firmly and her eyes kept looking at her as if she were some kind of ghost. Santana didn't know what to do with this double reaction, It was both infuriating and sad. Yes, sometimes the senses knows that absence blots people out. But of all people, she thought that Rachel wouldn't feel that way.

"What Rachel?" She asked impatient, annoyed.

Rachel reached out her hand and brushed the small scar that was right under Santana's right eyebrow, that was her first scar. It was barely noticeable, luckily all the scars gained in the war were barely noticeable. But they were still there, like a cruel reminder. Rachel's searching eyes were looking at her as if she were making sure she wasn't dreaming this. The soft contact of her thumb over the skin of her fragile face warmed Santana's body. Her eyes fluttered, and then she looked at Rachel again.

"We all thought you'd died. It was on the news." Her friend whispered carefully. "I thought I'd never see you again." She hugged Santana again with the same intensity and an almost inaudible sob let out her lips. "You have no idea how happy I am right now."

Santana unconsciously and almost working in automatic mode hugged her back. Still drinking in her surprising words.

Rachel thought she was dead, they all thought she was _dead._

 _Quinn_ thought she was dead.

"What do you mean it was on the news?" Santana inquired in a tight tone, suddenly feeling desperate and confused.

Rachel broke the hug once again, and this time she lifted her arms to put her hands on either side of Santana's shoulders while Santana's arms fell awkwardly on her sides. Rachel looked at her with a small smile and watering eyes.

"We don't need to talk about this now, we should call Kurt and tell him, this is big." Rachel offered happy, squeezing her shoulders over her old sweater to highlight her enthusiasm.

It didn't go unnoticed how her friend didn't mention Quinn.

"Not today." Santana commented firmly. Her tone didn't left room for more insistence. "Tell me what you saw in the news."

"Santana it's not-"

"Tell me." She emphasized each word, glaring straight at Rachel.

If one thing war showed her, it was how to be rough and intimidating with people, innocent people. Not that she didn't possessed those _qualities_ before, but all the battles highlighted that.

Rachel tore her eyes away, looking at everything in the room but Santana. Her hands left her shoulders leaving a small new sensation of cold in her. Santana watched with interest how Rachel bit her bottom lip, something she only does when she's nervous or uncomfortable about something.

Rachel took a deep breath before finally voice the answer of Santana's question.

"They said that all the troops had died. All of them."

"What?!" The air in her lungs got out through her mouth with an astonishment sigh. She took a step back incredulously, looking at Rachel to confirm the bad joke she just made. But the confirmation never came and she felt numb.

Clearly the second battle in Afghanistan was one of the worst, but at least half of her troop could get out alive from there after that fateful night. She saved her life and her partner's life that evening.

She was alive that night.

She _is_ alive now.

Rachel locked eyes with her again and her facial features softened. "Then your commander in charge here in New York, that was supposed to have communication with your captain, told her that it was true. He confirmed the news."

Told her?

 _Who?_

"Who talked with my commander Smith?" Santana questioned with the slightest arch of her eyebrow.

The heavy air around them corrupted what was supposed to be a happy and awaited encounter.

It's just a question, and yet, it seems like Rachel is about to say the world's more deep secret. Remorseless.

Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. If anybody can conquer fear, then they're at the beginning of wisdom. But her friend is not wise at all, at least not yet. The fear behind her brown eyes with Santana's question traveled down her body with a chilly sensation.

"Quinn. He told Quinn you were dead."


	3. Chapter 3

_"I can't believe you did that! Wasn't the crazy idea of_ _joining_ _the army enough for you?!" Rachel said incredulously, letting out an exasperated sigh before putting on her coat._

 _Santana just remained still, unaffected with all the worried glances thrown_ _at her_ _._

 _What could she say? She really liked danger and any type of risk._

 _Sometimes people can get stuck in 'danger mode', but not Santana. She knows perfectly how to control that complicated emotion. When this happens, her survival instincts are on the alert for danger and she knows exactly how to behave or what to do. Her mind doesn't_ _get blocked_ _like others._

 _Besides, she really thinks that it is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory or when nice things occur. She only likes to take the front line when there is danger and she needs to protect people._

 _There's not a scientific answer or a clear motivation to that, she just like it._

 _"You really want to die, don't you?" Kurt asked her_ _with slight amusement_ _before standing up along with his boyfriend. He didn't seem as mad as Rachel, but a hint of concern was still visible in his eyes._

 _Perhaps being_ _a part-time firefighter_ _wasn't a great idea_ _to_ _her friends, but she really needed the money and couldn't think of another more badass and cool job than that particular one. It was brilliant._ _Not only that_ _, she could save people's lives as well._

 _Evidently_ _,_ _her friends were going to hear about this soon or later, so she decided to tell them now: O_ _n_ _a Friday night, with some alcohol in their systems and just when they were leaving._

 _It was the most appropriate time according to Santana_ _and the most intelligent thing to do._

 _A tough week for all of them had just ended and they all agreed to drink some light drinks in Santana's apartment. They all deserved it after all. Though, it wasn't that much of a surprise that her often annoying friends Kurt and Rachel talked all the time about NYADA and the strict professors there. Kurt's boyfriend didn't even attend the same college but he still participated in the conversation from time to time just to_ _feel the connection_ _with Kurt._

 _What love can do is crazy._

 _Santana just rolled her eyes at them_ _while she and Quinn talked about any other thing that didn't involve NYU. If it_ _wasn't_ _for Quinn's company honestly, she wouldn't_ _even have lasted_ _a minute alone with her friends._

 _She was sure that it wasn't the funny feeling in the pit of her stomach or the feeling of the hair on the back of her neck bristling every single time that Quinn would look into her eyes a little too deep, or every time that her soft hand would brush unnecessarily against hers for long seconds. No, it was just her good company, because b_ _asically_ _, the idea of good company for Santana is the company of clever, well-informed people who have a great deal of conversation; and Quinn is like a gorgeous open encyclopedia full of knowledge and then some._

 _It's been exactly eight months since they bumped into each other in that coffee shop, and_ _it's_ _safe to say that_ _they have entered into some kind of friendship or something like that._

 _However, Santana really believes that maybe, just maybe, she's absolutely crazy about Quinn._

 _Falling for someone is scary because, for the most part, it is completely out of your control. The heart wants what the heart wants, right? When the happiness, the nerves, the butterflies, the anxiety, and the euphoria all come together, somehow you just know. And yes, Santana kinda knows it._

 _She knows it because sometimes she stares off into the distance in class and all that she can think about are all the ways that she and Quinn are a_ _bsolutely perfect together._ _The more she thinks about it, the more she wants to shout it from the top of a mountain. Besides time always seems to pass so fast when she's with Quinn_ _,_ _whether they're studying or just lying on the grass in college talking about everything. And sometimes she desperately wish there was a pause button_ _in_ _life so she could be with her like that, frozen in a perfect moment._

 _There were times where she would even forget that she's hungry as she could only think of how amazing Quinn was. When they could finally sit in silence, Santana would feel that it was the best conversation they have ever had. As we all know, silence is one of the most powerful tool of speech. Being able to communicate in silence, it is just that amazing._

 _And what makes this feeling grow rather than diminish, are all_ _of_ _Quinn's sweet messages at nights, Quinn's lingering glances, Quinn's random kisses on her cheek that sometimes_ _lingers on_ _her skin for hours and the always subtle, but nagging touches of her hands._

 _Santana is dying to cross that dangerous and fine line_ _, she really wants to cross that line. But she can't do_ _or_ _say anything._

 _At least not while Quinn has a boyfriend._

 _A stupid, handsome boyfriend of two years that_ _tonight_ _sat all night next to Quinn with his arm around her shoulders._

 _To her luck, Quinn didn't pay much attention_ _to him_ _while they were immersed in their own world, but that didn't make her forget that he was right there._

 _With a heavy head feeling the effects of alcohol,_ _Santana finally turned around to look at the one person that_ _hasn't said_ _anything about her new job._ _And_ _gorgeous, tipsy hazel eyes were glued on her, examining every feature with determination._

 _The heat emanating from that gaze was way too much to handle in that moment, and Santana did not know what to think about it so she just turned_ _her head_ _around._

 _"We'll talk about this tomorrow Santana, you can't keep making wild decisions like it's the most normal thing to do." Rachel complained one last time, and Santana effortless rolled her eyes with a deep sigh._

 _"Whatever grandma." She teased and Kurt giggled._

 _"I think we should go too babe."_

 _There it was._

 _Santana rolled her eyes yet again, but now for a whole different reason, and definitely with another intention._

 _She glared at Michael, Quinn's boyfriend, before subtly_ _shaking_ _her head_ _in annoyance_ _._

 _This man according to society was_ _a perfect guy,_ _and that irritated her even more_ _._ _Athlete with_ _a_ _muscular body, blond, green eyes, thin lips, not too_ _tall_ _nor too short. He's studying law and has a rich family. He'll more likely inherit her dad's company because apparently he only has_ _a younger brother_ _so he can practically buy everyone's life._

 _What else does a woman need?_

 _He's like a dream, and that's why Quinn_ _has_ _been with him for about two years now, since High School. And in Santana's eyes, it seems like that will not change anytime soon._

 _"I think I'll help Santana clean up the mess, you can leave if you want." Quinn kindly offered_ _him_ _a small smile and Santana's heart stop altogether. She didn't even bother to hide her surprise._

 _Michael looked skeptical._

 _"But you said you would stay at mine tonight and I'_ _ve_ _already told my parents that you were coming."_

 _"Well, I'm going to stay here." Quinn arched her both eyebrows and it was the first time that Santana saw her acting so determined and huffy with Michael. "I can go to your house any other day."_

 _He kept looking confused and disappointed._

 _And Santana knew perfectly why he looked so disappointed._

 _It is not a secret for Santana that Quinn still has her V-card, she slipped_ _out_ _that precious information one day in one of their random conversations, the same day where Quinn found out about Santana's_ _not so small shaft._

 _Apparently_ _, Quinn is patient and waiting for the right man or some shit. Girls and boys come and go all the time in college and life in general. And it isn't a bad thing at all, but this is just another reason as to why Quinn is so different than any other girl. She's not fooling around with whoever that cross her way like most of people, she'_ _s_ _waiting_ _for_ _the right one._

 _Santana is highly conscious of how desirable Quinn is in college, her boyfriend does not go to NYU so she's the one that lately try to protect her from horny guys all the time. Quinn_ _isn't rushing things or making stupid decisions. Despite_ _how_ _Santana_ _has_ _been living her whole life, sex_ is _a big deal. When you have sex with someone, you_ _are_ _physically and emotionally saying that there is no one else you would rather be with_ _at_ _that moment and_ _sharing_ _that special experience._

 _A beautiful 19 years old girl in New York still virgin? How_ _odd, yet attractive_ _is that?_

 _And tonight, Michael_ _surely_ _was going to try one more time to get into her pants_ _because_ _according to Quinn, he never miss an opportunity. And Santana hates how she kind of understand Michael_ _;_ _because_ _being with a woman as gorgeous as Quinn and still not having her completely after two years, that must suck._

 _But it is also, a relief._

 _Not that Santana is thinking that Quinn should have sex with her for the first time either, she simply_ _feels_ _that Michael is not right for her right now or for that intimate event._

 _With one last doubtful glance, Michael leaned down to kiss Quinn goodbye, and Santana had to turn around her head to_ _avoid seeing_ _his imperfect lips touching Quinn's_ _mouth_ _._

 _Rachel, Kurt and his boyfriend Adam did the same, they said a quick goodbye and she was well aware of how Kurt looked at her playfully._

 _That man._

 _Soon it was just Santana and Quinn again._

 _And she definitely_ _wasn't_ _nervous; she was not nervous, but she had butterflies fluttering all over her stomach and the act of breathing_ _was_ _becoming a little too hard. But_ _she_ _convinced_ _herself that it was_ _totally normal when you're with your friend._

 _Or maybe the fact that she's slightly nervous is because Quinn had stayed there just once and Santana was a little drunk after a wild party so she didn't remember how she even got into bed._ _In other words, she doesn't know how to act with Quinn now that they're both alone in her apartment, in a state more sober than drunk._

 _"Shall we start cleaning up then?" Quinn suddenly asked, snapping Santana out of her thoughts before tapping her thigh._ _She stood up and Santana did the same._ _"... Oh wait, I need my purse." Quinn said in a rush._

 _She turned around and walked straight to Santana's room._

 _Santana stayed still, almost feeling dumb for not knowing what to do in her own apartment but then Quinn reappeared from her bedroom with her hands behind her back and a mischievous adorable smile_ _on_ _her lips._

 _"What do you have behind your back?"_

 _"Something for you." She began with a stunning sparkle in her eyes. "Well technically it's for me but I want to give it to you."_

 _Santana furrowed her brow and got even more curious. But h_ _er_ _curiosity was answered when_ _Quinn stretched out her arms from behind revealing a small yellow star with a big number one on it._

 _"What's that thing?"_

 _"My number one star for winning the painting project." Quinn declared proudly._

 _Santana chuckled amused and her_ _stomach twisted when Quinn timidly captured her bottom lip in her teeth._

 _"I didn't know your teachers were into some creepy preschool thing." She bantered and_ _Quinn giggled_ _reluctantly._

 _"Don't be a jerk and just accept my gift_ _;_ _you helped me with half of the work after all."_

 _"I'd say, with all the work." Santana_ _said_ _with her infamous smirk, gaining a challenging arching eyebrow from Quinn._

 _Those eyes that Santana was beginning to love watched her with something mysterious behind,_ _something infectious and addictive. But_ _before she could even began to understand what was that her traits softened._

 _"You know, I would like to hear your congratulations for once."_

 _Santana rolled her eyes out of habit, but she quickly gave in and sighed contentedly before grabbing Quinn's shoulder affectionately_ _and squeezed it_ _._

 _Is there any person out there immune to Quinn's smile?_

 _She really_ _doubted_ _it._

 _"You deserved it, congratulations."_ _Santana said offering a sincere smile._

 _Then the outside of Quinn's lips curled up as well, reflecting the sweetest expression._ _And then she just watched her._

 _She just watched her with those so perfect eyes for what felt like hours,_ _and Santana plunged into them._

 _She is one hundred percent sure that Quinn's eyes could inspired hundreds and hundreds of poems, more than any other pair of eyes in the entire world. Her hazel eyes specifically, are so closely tied to intimacy and passion that often leaves Santana speechless._

 _Quinn_ _gazed at her sweetly_ _. She's not burning holes in Santana's brown eyes, but rather taking her in a flight to her paradise. She's looking at her like she's appreciating her presence, as if no one else mattered in the world and God, the feeling of that possibility is enough to scare Santana._ _It was a vivid flash of intense light and long lasting. Green sparkles, light yellow even, illuminated the room._

 _Santana regarded how Quinn's gaze subtly shifted from her eyes to her plump lips. Staying_ _at_ _her mouth long enough to make some familiar warmth emerge from her_ _lower stomach._ _She knows that the more eye contact you have with someone, the deeper the intimacy will develop._ _And maybe that's why she looks away._

 _Santana was sure that her cheeks were painted with_ _a pink hue_ _now._

 _"I... I'll put this on the fridge." She said_ _edgy, pulling her hand off Quinn's shoulder before walking away without a second glance._

 _She really needed to get out of there before_ _she could act_ _on instinct and devour Quinn's mouth with that_ _exorbitant desire_ _like she has been dreaming lately._

 _Suddenly all_ _the_ _alcohol running through her veins wasn't there anymore. And she felt nervous. Clearly another sign of love: Sudden confusion and nervousness._

 _Santana didn't know how she'd survive all night without give in,_ _without_ _leaning_ _in and finally_ _connecting_ _her lips with Quinn's so flossy and most likely soft mouth._

 _She was so screwed._

 _Little did she know that in that exact night all would change._

She took a deep breath before turning around her head. Santana's eyes that only know about pain and regret nowadays, looked sadly at the small yellow star that remained hanging on the fridge.

She ignored her aching and bloody heart, and forcefully took the star off the fridge, throwing it in the trash next to her before filling her glass with more alcohol and walking back towards the couch.

After Rachel's unexpected visit -that by the way, Santana was still wondering how the hell she had the key in her possession. It was weird and she had forgotten to questioned it- She kindly and drunkenly told her that she really wanted to be alone for what remained of the day, but Rachel being Rachel made her promise that tomorrow she would have to go out of her apartment with her and Kurt, like it or not.

And Santana made her promise back, that no matter what, no one can know she's back yet.

Especially one person.

The news are still internalizing within her brain like a terrifying puzzle. Nothing fits, nothing was alright. All the changes and destroyed illusions were still hard to take in.

It is unfair, and she doesn't know what to think of it. For the first time in her life, she doesn't know what to do.

What can a simple person do with this awful information? What can you do when all your friends and girlfriend thought that you were dead for over two years?

Why would her commander tell Quinn that she was dead in the first place?

It is absurd and ridiculous, out of reality. Vicious.

Yet, despite all possible reactions and workarounds, it still didn't explain why Quinn moved on so easily.

Why would she want another faulty hands touching the soft skin that not so long ago was hers; why would she want another lips kissing her, another voice whispering in her ear, another arms hugging her and without the slightest memory of them.

After all the moments and words, after everything they went through, Quinn just forgot about them and moved on? Yes, with _ease_ she moved on with her life just a couple of weeks afterward.

There's something terribly tragic about unrequited love because we are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helplessly unhappy as when we have lost our love. She gave Quinn her whole heart but she didn't want it, and Santana cannot take it back now. It's gone forever. Quinn never really loved her ostensibly, so she didn't have Santana's heart next to hers, she never had it. And now she's heartless.

With a humorless chuckle Santana took the last sip of alcohol left in her glass.

Alcohol was definitely not helping to resolve all this fucked up situation, she knows that numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when she can finally feel it sober, but she can pretend at least that none of this is happening right now.

It's unbelievable how badly she wants to lie down next to _her_ on this same couch right now, like they used to, wrap her arms around her slim body and sleep. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. They would sleep and then cook something together, probably watch a movie afterwards and talk about their day. Then like always, in a moment of silence, she would say to her like every other day how pretty her eyes are and how amazing she is, subsequently Quinn would smile with a lovely blush murmuring a shy _I love you_ before kissing her.

But none of that will happen, it will never happen again. And the realization of that is what makes a few tears roll down her cheeks.

There's only one thing worse than knowing you want something you can't have: is knowing that you lost something you've already had. A person doesn't know true hurt and suffering until, they've felt the pain of loving someone whose affections lie elsewhere.

Quinn's love and affection is not for her anymore.

She wonders though, if she was blind to the hints. To all the hints that must have been there in those four years, hints telling her that Quinn didn't love her as much as she loved her. That all her relationship was simply a hobby while she waited for the right man to come.

But she's clueless. Santana can't find anything. Her memory can't find one single hint. Instead, all that she can find was love. Love and promises.

It's confusing and distressful.

She stood up from the couch to go refill her glass with whisky again, almost feeling proud of herself for her tolerance of liquor. But it was at that precise moment, when her whole world crashed again.

She didn't hear someone opening the door, nor did she realized until she heard an almost inaudible gasp of astonishment.

No matter how prepared she thought she would be for this moment, the surprise still came as a shock, and it still hurts deeply because there is only one kind of shock worse than the totally unexpected: the expected for which one has refused to prepare.

It wasn't Rachel standing at her door this time. Instead, gorgeous hazel eyes looked at her full of tears which, without disturbing the firmness of her lips, made the air thick.

* * *

 _She needed to have self-control._

 _She needed to have self-control._

 _She needed to have self-control no matter what._

 _She needed to stay calm._

 _That was her motto at the time._

 _Santana watched_ _nervously_ _how slender, silky fingers got closer to her face with determination and unknown purpose, prompting an undeniable powerful spark in her senses with the delicate movement._

 _The_ _peaceful_ _moment between them was gone, Quinn didn't want to talk about her excellent grade she obtained in the painting project anymore, about the funny star her professor gave to her that was now hanging on Santana's fridge. She didn't want to discuss it. Instead, she wanted to talk now deliberately about Santana, about her new job and why she did it._

 _Santana isn't known for being a shy person, on the contrary; her friends and almost all the people in college is aware of her strong personality and short patience. But God, how that changes when she's around Quinn. Shyness can be overgeneralized in response to fear_ _._ _She's not exactly sure why she feels like that honestly, but Quinn definitely has an impact_ _on_ _her normal behavior._

 _She's sensitive,_ _sensitive to Quinn's presence._

 _But sensitive people are the most genuine and honest_ _people_ _as well. Although Santana still lives with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings, she_ _would_ _never be able to live with hatred or being hated. She still has love to give. And if she has to, she would love to give that love to Quinn._

 _They're now lying on_ _the_ _bed, alone in her apartment, and it seems like everything moves faster around them and the rhythm of Santana's heart fails to catch up._

 _After Quinn's worried question about why she took the job as a_ _firefighter, Santana couldn't find her voice. Much like it happened to her when she met the girl._

 _So she didn't answer._

 _But in that moment, Santana was loving the feeling of the fresh air on her face causing for Quinn's unsteady breathing and intense gaze._

 _She_ _was_ _absolutely certain that they haven't been this close before. Every detail of Quinn's face, despite the darkness that hugged the room,_ _it_ _was clear. Every beautiful detail of her face was clear. Her upturned nose, her perfect cheeks, chin, the flawless line of her jaw, and what she wanted so badly to have, the most desirable part of her face: Lips._

 _Those lips._

 _Santana couldn't help but stare at them for long seconds. T_ _hey were_ _staring at each other and she_ _didn't_ _know how to feel, but it_ _didn't_ _matter because the best and most beautiful things in the world can't be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart._

 _And her heart_ _was_ _definitely feeling it._

 _Fingers that were getting close to her just a moment ago, finally touched her cheek, and the softness of the contact almost made Santana close her eyes._

 _I_ _t was just_ _so special and exhilarating._

 _"You're brave, Santana._ _But you need to be careful._ _" Quinn whispered, smiling_ _lovingly and_ _subtly moving closer._

 _The nervousness, thrill,_ _and_ _fear she was feeling_ _at_ _that moment was almost too much. And when Quinn silently and softly grabbed her left hand, putting it around her waist, Santana simply gave in._

 _She had never been so clueless in her life before, she_ _didn't_ _know what Quinn_ _was_ _doing but she_ _didn't_ _want to move either, because with each passing second, their faces_ _were moving closer and closer_ _._

 _Quinn's thumb kept brushing her skin, now touching every inch of her face available, exploring. Touching her face like she had never seen her before. And that gesture was enough to made Santana finally close her eyes, immersing herself in Quinn's bubble and touch._

 _It could be sexual attraction, passion or just lust. She_ _didn't_ _know, but It's like nothing she have ever felt before._

 _Quinn's nose grazed hers and her heart stops altogether. Her arm around her small waist tightened and Quinn's stopped her movements with her fingers on her face._

 _The air around them_ _thickened_ _._

 _Quinn leaned in, nuzzling her face and cupping her both cheeks in her hands._

 _She_ _could_ _feel how Quinn wanted to do something but she_ _didn't_ _know if it was the right thing to do, and she kinda just had to take a leap of faith._

 _There's a lot of fear in Quinn's breathing and Santana really wants to ask her what's wrong but she_ _could hardly voice out_ _any word._

 _She_ _wondered_ _when they_ _had_ _crossed the line of laughing, with a good amount of distance between them, to this._

 _The_ _intimateness_ _of the position and closeness was clearly telling Santana something, but she didn't want to acknowledge it until Quinn's next move. She's not that bold, even if she's dying right now to finally close the distance between them._

 _Santana_ _has_ _been asking herself since months ago how it would be like to kiss Quinn, how it would be like to feel those lips against hers. She had dreamed about it, daydreaming about it and_ _wondering_ _every night_ _about_ _the same thing. But dreams, aspirations and guesses could never compared to this._

 _It happened in a blink of an eye._

 _Quinn's fingers_ _tangled in_ _her hair before finally kissing Santana's lips._

 _And she saw fireworks._

 _Her whole world exploded. Her nether regions tingled and an animal desire took over her senses._

 _The softness of her mouth and tongue, her taste. It was perfect. The gravity of Quinn's lips was inescapable and perfect._

 _It's shocking how an universal experience could be so unique. And the need and desperation of Quinn's movements increased her own need._

 _Then Quinn grabbed Santana by the neck with such a gentleness that Santana had to make half of the effort, but she was now on top. Legs_ _intertwined._

 _This ecstasy marks the summit of life for Santana, it was exactly what she needed to feel alive._

 _Quinn's mouth absorbed her love. Santana inhaled the scent of strawberry as the smell lingered clouding her mind with lust. The tickle of Quinn's moist lips on hers made her heart punch her chest repeatedly. She_ _could_ _even feel it against her breast._

 _It was unbelievable._

 _Her body_ _was_ _screaming for the girl beneath her._

 _"I want you," Quinn whispered against her parted mouth, brushing her hand_ _against_ _Santana's thigh, dangerously close to where she needed the pressure._

 _And what Quinn said can obviously mean one thing. And suddenly all that she wants is more too, she wants all of Quinn and Santana can already feel it between her legs._

 _Nevertheless,_ _Quinn has never done this before, and just the thought of that_ _was_ _enough to stop this._

 _She opened her eyes and removed Quinn's hair off her forehead while she looked into hazel eyes. They were bright with desire and wide with expectation._ _And Santana really felt privileged, if she could share this special moment with her_ _,_ _she would._

 _But..._

 _"We can't," She tried to reason, even if her heart was screaming at her to shut her mouth. "You're drunk, Quinn."_

 _"No I'm not," Quinn shook her head immediately, denying what she had_ _just_ _said before cupping Santana's cheeks in her hands again. The sparkle in her eyes and the emotion showing in them told Santana, even if it was hard to believe, that Quinn really wouldn't be anywhere but there, with her. "I'm not drunk and neither are you." She added with a_ _mesmerizing_ _smile._

 _"Quinn," Santana attempted again, but their closeness wasn't helping. Not at all._

 _"You don't want this?"_ _The fear and vulnerability reflected_ _on_ _her face was touchingly dumb._

 _Who wouldn't want her?_

 _Santana limited herself to only smile which apparently, erased Quinn's doubts._

 _Communication seems easier when she holds her, even more with the way that Quinn slowly closed the distance between them again so affectionately._

 _And it was enough._

 _She pressed her body against hers and Quinn_ _returned the gesture_ _. They both_ _surrendered_ _to the feelings_ _while Quinn murmured against her mouth how she couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else. Thoughtlessly,_ _words that Santana had always longed to hear._

 _Lips kissing, hands touching. All her senses were on alert._

 _This_ _would probably_ _have consequences in the future, but Santana couldn't bring herself to care because it was_ _beyond what she had always dreamt of_ _._

 _Unrequited love does not kill. But_ _for some unfortunates it turns bitter and mean,_ _it_ _is the infinite curse of a lonely heart._

 _But, how to get back now? She can't pretend like she doesn't feel anything anymore. Not after this._

 _Quinn wasn't hers, but for that night, Santana pretended_ _she was_ _._


	4. Chapter 4

_It turned out that_ _there_ _was nothing more beautiful and flawless than Quinn's nice body. And after seeing_ _quite_ _a_ _fair_ _amount_ _of_ _women in her short life, Santana was absolutely sure that Quinn was wonderfully unique._

 _When all the clothes were lying somewhere on the floor, Quinn lay back invitingly with her legs parted, the damp petals of her womanhood exposed and waiting, hoping, begging to be impaled by Santana's bulging shaft._

 _This_ _gift that could be given only once was about to be bestowed to someone, to her, and there's no turning back after the event is done._

 _She moved closer to Quinn_ _,_ _who's breasts were beautifully formed and rose with every heaving breath. She positioned herself over the gorgeous blonde, between her legs, and gently caressed her aching breasts and sides. The softness of her skin made things ten times more addictive and_ _exciting_ _. She leaned forward and settled her entire weight on Quinn's trembling body. As they kissed, Santana guided her member to Quinn's center, and slowly, carefully eased herself just barely inside her._

 _Quinn clenched and shuddered but raised her hips slightly to further drive Santana's swollen and well_ _-_ _formed shaft into her already wet center. Santana lowered herself again and as Quinn sighed into the kiss, her dick slid into her slowly and gently until she was completely inside of Quinn._

 _The moment was unforgettable. When ecstasy_ _was at the_ _utmost, she_ _clutched_ _at the core while her cheeks burn, eyes shut. There were no words to describe what Santana felt_ _at_ _that precise instant._ _She was so tight and warm; i_ _t was completely delightsome._

 _"Hey, Quinn." She said when, suddenly, Quinn encircled her with her legs and drove Santana even deeper._

 _She could feel Quinn pulsating, contracting and releasing her erection until Santana eased herself back for fear that she was hurting Quinn too much._

 _"Yeah?" Came the verbal reply,_ _breathlessly._

 _"If you want to stop just tell me, okay?"_

 _Quinn shook her head promptly._

 _"I don't want to stop." She assured with a beautiful smile. And Quinn's body language said much more._

 _Santana nodded and began to thrust into her slowly. Soon, both were bucking_ _their hips,_ _arching and colliding in almost perfect rhythm. With every thrust, Quinn arched her hips and whimpered beneath Santana to protest the removal of something that she now claimed as her own. If only for that night._

 _As the seconds passed, Santana and Quinn began to sigh heavily and moan softly, kissing each other with equal passion and lust._

 _Santana kept up the rhythm that Quinn had set and maintained it relentlessly. With each stroke, she slid her engorged erection completely into Quinn's passion-moistened depths. Their breathing was in gasps, as though the air had thinned._

 _Quinn's body rose up and pushed as Santana drove her member to its hilt with each thrust at a increasing pace. Santana's mouth was against her neck now, she just found Quinn's sweet spot so she kissed her there. Their breathing was fast and hard. Quinn's breaths came in punctuated gasps._

 _Santana_ _couldn't_ _even count how many times she had had sex. How many times she touched a woman's body. How many times she kissed and how many times she didn't even kissed while having sex. But this, this was completely different,_ _dissimilar._

 _This wasn't just sex._

 _Making love, she'd always believed, was more than simply a pleasurable act between two people. It encompassed all that a couple was supposed to share: trust and commitment, hopes and dreams, promises. The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it is over. Though_ _, Santana didn't even know if that applied to them because for all that she knew, they were still just friends. Friends that just crossed a really dangerous line._

 _Santana could no longer resist the increasing passion, Quinn wriggling against her, Quinn's soft whimpers, Quinn's legs pulling her into her ever deeper. With one final thrust, Santana shuddered and exploded inside her. She was sure that Quinn could feel her seed spill into her, feel the warm gush._

 _Dazed and motionless but still deep inside Quinn, Santana could feel Quinn's early spasms contracting against her dick and began a slow short rhythmic stroking that soon became full length plunges of her still aroused flesh._

 _She touched her._

 _Santana touched Quinn with love, gentleness and carefully. Her fingers and palms embraced every inch of soft skin with softness. It was utter perfection._

 _Quinn began to heave and writhe, naked skin against naked skin. Santana increased the pace, but still slow because this was still Quinn's first time. Each thrust brought a corresponding reply when suddenly Quinn reached around Santana, pulling her against her even more, and began gyrating and grinding herself into her._

 _Quinn whimpered and convulsed into a chain of explosions. The sensual waves continued as Quinn was seized by great shuddering clenching spasms that squeezed Santana's shaft, with her name in her mouth. And what was best, was that they kept kissing each other, those type of kisses that spoke words._ _And as they kept kissing, still exploring each other's body with such sweetness; Santana couldn't help but think that she was completely in love with Quinn._

 _She felt her lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery. Air, mountains, people. Nothing was impossible in that moment._

 _For the first time in her life, Santana felt complete and happy._ _And judging by Quinn's smile, it looked like she was happy, too._

Santana blinked twice. And then again.

Blonde hair was a little shorter than what she remembered, but her flawless figure remained the same. And her face; her so perfect and gorgeous face only became more beautiful with time.

The sight was breathtaking. But her eyes however, were different.

The eyes are one of the most powerful tools a woman can have. And she remembered well how with just one look, Quinn would always relay the most intimate message. After the connection was made, words cease to exist for her. The soul fortunately, has an interpreter, often an unconscious but still a faithful interpreter: eyes.

Quinn's eyes carried a heavy weight behind the shock in her face.

Santana couldn't move, she couldn't even breathe. After two years, after long, endless and exhausting two years, she was finally seeing her love.

Her chest ached with excitement and nervousness. She was intrigued though, by the smile upon Quinn's gorgeous face and the sadness within her eyes. It didn't match. Santana wanted to look away, or never look away again, she couldn't decide.

Then, just like Rachel did, she ran.

She simply ran.

Quinn ran towards her with tears falling down her cheeks and when she was right in front of her, she hugged her. She hugged Santana with such force and passion that they fell onto the couch that was right next to them, Quinn falling into her lap. The empty glass that was in Santana's hand not so long ago was now on the floor.

And then, after the initial surprise and amazement, for instinct, Santana closed her eyes, inhaling deeply Quinn's fragrance and burying her face into her soft and silky hair as her arms finally wrapped around her back.

She could hear Quinn's heartbreaking sobs, could feel the wetness of her tears on her neck, wetting her skin while her arms were firmly around her neck, tightly, obstructing her breathing.

In those two years that she was alone she had often underestimated the power of a touch or even the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. But now, with the love of her life hugging her as if her life depended on it, hugging her like no one else in the world matters after so, so long was like coming back home.

There's a primal reassurance in being touched, in knowing that someone else, someone close to you, wants to be touching you. There is a bone-deep security that goes with the brush of a human hand, a silent affirmation that someone is near, that someone cares. Quinn was glued onto her, with her face buried into her neck and her arms tight around her neck. It seemed like she care. It seemed like she still care.

After minutes, long but marvelous minutes. Gently, Quinn lifted her head and met Santana's eyes with her own, connecting their gazes after twenty-four months of being apart.

Hazel eyes were speaking volumes. They were bright, stunned with surprise and with something else. Something that Santana was afraid to acknowledge it. But she didn't have time for that either, because the next thing that she felt after that intense gaze, were Quinn's soft lips on hers.

Her eyes fluttered shut as Quinn's mouth came down on hers. And that was it. All the self-control she'd exerted over the past few days was forgotten. Her arms came down around Quinn's lower back as she pulled Quinn against her. Quinn's arms only tightened around her.

They kissed fiercely yet slowly. Santana clung to her tightly, knotting her arms around her waist, trying to tell her, with the press of her mouth on hers, how much she still loves her. Despite everything.

It wasn't that long, and it certainly wasn't the kind of kiss everyone sees in movies these days, but it was wonderful in its own way, it was life. And all that Santana could feel when their lips touched was love. Love and memories. It was the kind of kiss that inspires stars to climb into the sky and light up the world. She was in heaven.

"Am I dreaming?" Quinn whispered with despair against her lips before kissing her again. She kissed her nonstop, she gave Santana endless of pecks; pressing her mouth tight against her lips as if to make sure that this was really happening.

Quinn shifted on her lap while her lips were still on her mouth and her butt fell in between Santana's legs. She only hugged her more, trying to live in this moment. But then Quinn pulled away, her hands around Santana's neck caressed their way up until she reached her cheeks. She gazed into brown eyes lovingly.

It was just Quinn and Santana, in that moment, it was Quinn and Santana and their so awaited reunion.

Quinn licked her lips before pressing them together as though she were keeping Santana's kisses inside her, the minute was as fragile as a bird in their hands.

They were still so close that Santana could smell Quinn's mint breathe. Her eyelids closed with the tender and so gentle touch of her love on her skin. The touch she dreamed about day and night when she was away.

"God, it was true." Quinn's happy and still surprised voice continued. It made Santana open her eyes. She opened her eyes just to close them again when she felt Quinn's lips on her once more. "I didn't want to believe Rachel when she told me."

"I promised you I was coming back, didn't I?" Santana affirmed as a matter of fact. As if the idea of her coming back was predisposed since the beginning.

Quinn grinned and giggled, and it was like a sweet symphony in her ears. Her gorgeous eyes were still wet with tears but now, the apparently emptiness that Santana saw in them moments ago was gone.

She excitedly wrapped her body in her arms again and Santana's heart smiled.

Out of consciousness, feeling wounded and resentful. Santana thought that she would not tolerate seeing Quinn again, she thought she would feel regretful and sad, almost wanting to forget about them altogether. But boy, was she wrong.

She thought that she was going to kiss Quinn, and she was going to regret it. But in that moment she couldn't bring herself to care. And as Quinn kissed her yet again, she still didn't care.

She didn't know how long they stood there kissing because just like before, the world around them disappeared. Time had stopped. She was awash in the feel of Quinn's body against hers, in the taste of her lips. That was all that mattered.

Quinn's nails dug into the back of her neck, and Santana trailed her lips down the edge of her chin, down the center of her neck and she kept going until she reached the bottom of the dress's V-neck. Quinn let out a small gasp, and Santana kissed all around the neckline.

Quinn was just like a drug. An irresistible drug because she couldn't stop now.

Quinn shifted over her again. Her hands moved to Santana's breasts and Santana noticed that she wasn't the only one breathing heavily and wanting more.

Those minutes were all heat and electricity, thick with tension and love that was only one spark away from exploding around them.

Santana was balancing on another precipice here, which wasn't easy at all. But she still put her arms around Quinn and this time, she was the one who drew her closer.

"I missed you _so_ much." Quinn confessed breathless before claiming her lips again as though they were a vehicle of some vague speech and between them, she felt a timid pressure on her stomach, darker than the swoon of sin, softer than a sound. Without breaking the kiss Quinn's hand subtly traveled down her stomach until she undid the button of her jeans.

That was it.

That was the reply she was waiting for.

Santana stood up with Quinn's legs wrapped around her waist before walking towards her room.

It was time. She felt it, she knew it.

* * *

Every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance had its secret. To have Quinn here in bed with her, breathing on her, her soft hair in her fingers —They touched each other's bodies without the past or the future, demanding that complete happiness through full fusion. Naturally it became all that Santana was waiting for.

She looked at her, cheeks flushed and golden hair tousled, eyes tired but blissful. Quinn was so beautiful that it made Santana's soul ache.

Everything was exactly how she remembered it, but it could not be otherwise. Touching Quinn was always important to her. It was something she lived for. She never could explain why though. Her fingers against her shoulder, the outsides of their thighs touching as they watched TV. She couldn't explain it, but she needed it, she needed the constant contact.

Santana always wished desperately that she could paint the beautiful blonde in these moments and immortalize that look of happiness in her eyes. There was a softness in them, a total and complete vulnerability. The completely opposite of what she saw in those eyes earlier.

Santana never knew that just a couple of hours could be expanded into something timeless. It shook Santana to her core, there were no words. They made love and Quinn kissed every small scar of her body making any type of pain easily go away. And every time they whimpered each other's name, Santana would cried internally out of joy and fondness.

But now, now it was out of despair.

She watched how Quinn from under her weight, reached for her cheek to touch her again, a pleasant smile still on her face.

Santana didn't know how she didn't see it before, how she didn't _feel it._

Time was up.

Her fairy tale was over. She was more sober than drunk now and with soberness came reality.

She slowly grabbed Quinn's hand on her own and glanced down at the ring on Quinn's finger.

She knew it, she knew that Quinn was married now, but she hadn't thought about it while kissing her, she didn't feel the ring against her skin when Quinn touched her. She had forgotten that this gorgeous girl beneath her, was not her Quinn anymore.

And once realization hit her beautiful love, she found her voice again.

"Santana," Quinn murmured frightened.

But Santana just stood up from bed, ignoring Quinn's voice and the ache in her heart before collecting her clothes. She was dressed in a matter of seconds and she tossed Quinn's dress at her without a second glance.

"You need to leave."

"No, please let me explain this. It's not what you're thinking I promise." Quinn tried hopeless. She covered her nakedness with Santana's sheets and she looked so, so vulnerable and small that Santana had to fight back the urge to climb back onto the bed and wrap her in her arms.

But she didn't, instead, she just watched her with disappointment.

Wounds caused in unfair battles were nothing now. There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. People always talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. And Santana was just now recognizing the tragic fact that Quinn did not belong to her anymore. She was not her Quinn.

Maybe she never was.

"You're misunderstanding things," Quinn looked at her face with despair, and by the look in those eyes, it felt as if she'd never not known Santana's brown hair before, those chocolate eyes, those lips, that jaw. But maybe it was just because of their long history. Quinn looked as if she were searching for something to say, something that could get them back to where they were just seconds ago. But all that came was, "I need to tell you something."

Something?

 _Something_ is a really big ass word. It could mean everything or nothing at all.

Nonetheless, Santana couldn't take her presence anymore, it might even sound dumb after what just happened between them, but Quinn really needed to leave because Santana could only last a little bit more before break down completely.

Her soul was lost. It was enough emotion and pain for one night already, a little more of that and she was sure she would explode.

She quickly shook her head looking straight into hazel eyes.

"I can't even tell you how many times I wish I was dead while I was away Quinn. Most of the time to be honest, and I feel that way now."

"Santana, I-"

Santana quickly lifted her hand to stop whatever the hell Quinn was going to say. She didn't want to hear it, she didn't think she could.

"You don't have any idea for what I went through, and now this?"

Santana chuckled humorless with her eyes burning into Quinn's.

Santana wanted to just relieve some of the pressure from the inside that was true pain. Because no matter how hard she tried or how bad she wanted to, she couldn't change how things were now. And the pain just stayed in place.

It was just a small tear that was wetting her cheek, but it was the heaviest thing in the world. And it didn't do a damn thing to fix anything.

Quinn watched her from bed for awhile, her own eyes watery with a small and adorable pout on her lips.

"Santana," She whispered without intention, and Santana made a pause, she made a pause just to watch the beauty in front of her for a while. Even with a few tears clouding her gorgeous hazel eyes, she still managed to be the prettiest girl alive.

Santana still wanted to kiss every soft place of her, make her blush and faint, pleasure her until she weep and dry every tear. If Quinn only knew how she crave the taste of her already, but she needed to remind herself once again, that this was not her girlfriend anymore. She wasn't the same girl she left behind two years ago.

She was married now.

She had a daughter.

Santana took a step closer, almost frozen by Quinn's tears and sad expression, her heart pounding.

"Santana please-"

"No, I think I had enough of everything tonight, so before say something, please just, don't fucking say anything, because I just found out six days ago that nothing was like I thought. You're married. And with a daughter." Santana begged, she pathetically begged as a sigh out of frustration let out her mouth because no matter what, she couldn't do or attempt to do anything to change the situation. "Please just go."

That ring was already on Quinn's finger. Quinn's baby wasn't her baby and she wasn't the one who married her. The story was written and there was nothing she could do.

Sometimes life just like to screw you up.

Quinn swallowed and sniffed, gazing up at her with what Santana hoped was love, but with all the warm tears on those eyes she couldn't see with clarity this time. Then she finally nodded, she nodded and stood up quickly putting her clothes back on.

That emptiness and sadness was back on Quinn, she could sense it. She seemed offended and sad but once she was ready to go, she still kissed Santana's cheek leaving a tingle in her stomach.

"I'll be here tomorrow." Quinn whispered weakly. And with one more glance she finally started to walk away.

It was just when Santana heard the door closed that she let herself cry. She cried so much that she even felt as though she would bleed to death with the ache in her chest.

It was funny how the memories that Santana used to cherish become her worst enemies. The thoughts that Santana loved to think about, the memories she wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle; suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key.

After those delightsome hours they just had together. Every memory of them ran back to her burying in her heart like a knife, nothing felt right again.

She quickly walked back to the living room with the need of emptying that bottle of alcohol and shut all her thoughts.

It was what she needed.

* * *

The bottle of whiskey was completely empty but next to her, was a bottle of wine now.

After putting herself another glass, she dried out her eyes and forcefully grabbed her phone that was still lying lifeless over the coffee table in front of her and turned it on.

She didn't even know if after two years of not functioning the device would still be working.

But it was working.

And she was surprised to see over 800 messages.

It was weird and strange.

With curiosity and an angry frown on her face, she opened the messages to see why the hell the number was so excessive. And all of them, every single message there was from Quinn.

Just three heavy words that used to get all the air out of her.

The dates however, was what really astonished her, because apparently Quinn sent her every night a message even after her supposedly death.

The last one was received yesterday at 10:36 PM.

Santana wasted at least two hours on reading every text, as if in one of them she would find some other words. But every message started and ended the same.

 ** _I love you_**


	5. Chapter 5

_"Something worse could have happened to you! How can you be so naive about the danger in this job?" Quinn retorted angry and Santana allowed herself to smile with_ _fondness_ _. She couldn't even think straight with Quinn's gentle hand on her back._

 _Santana realized that night the fine line between love and their friendship, and she really understood why because when she made love; when she finally made love to someone with the objective to feed her soul and mind she realized that she was completely in love with Quinn Fabray._

 _The hazel-eyed angel came into her arms that night, she met no resistance when Santana unlaced the strings to free her dress and fill herself in the moist made between her thighs. Their souls intertwined inwardly._

 _That night shouldn't have had the impact it had on Santana. She was known for her quick and easy technique, no feelings, no soft approach. But that was the problem, the unknown. She had her first taste of the forbidden fruit and now she wanted more and never stop._

 _For the first time in history and in Santana's life, sex was more dangerous than any drug or addiction. When the act was done Quinn didn't say anything and neither did Santana. The gorgeous blonde snuggled close to her, embracing Santana's body with such need and possession, almost clinging to her before fall asleep breathing against the sensitive skin of Santana's neck. And now, she couldn't shake the feeling of Quinn against her fingers or how good it felt to be with her in the most intimate way someone can be with other person._

 _But then Quinn disappeared next morning without a word._

 _Santana had been wondering if it was something she did or said, but every time that she tried to find the reason as to why Quinn wasn't talking with her she found none._

 _It had been two weeks since the last time she heard anything about her, and it was strange because she had seen Quinn in college and Santana had sent a couple of texts, but the problem was that Quinn never answered and they barely look at each other nowadays. It seemed like they were not even friends anymore._ _Quinn was actively ignoring her without apparent reason._

 _Well maybe there was a reason, but Santana didn't know with_ _certainty_ _. And to make things even worse, today in one of her turns trying to_ _extinguish a fire -a_ _burning house- a big photo frame fell into her back causing a small cut that apparently did a lot of damage on her skin. She really needed to clean up her back because her arms weren't that long. So, she sent Rachel her supposedly friend a text about an hour ago asking for her help, but she hadn't replied yet and Santana was getting moody._

 _Kurt didn't answer her text message either._

 _Even the old lady she had as neighbor wasn't at home._

 _She could have called to any of those women who had had sex with her but instead,_ _she tried to communicate with Quinn. It was a dangerous territory and she thought that Quinn would probably ignore her again because why would she come to help her if they hadn't talk with each other for over two weeks? But she tried anyway, she tried and Santana was surprised when Quinn replied saying that she was on her way._

 _That's how she find herself here now, engrossed by Quinn's fingers on her back that keep trying to clean up the cut, giving it the proper care._ _The softness of the contact made Santana sigh every five seconds; but then she had to_ _tighten_ _her hold on the kitchen table when Quinn reached a particularly painful part of the wound._

 _"I'm sorry?" Santana answered Quinn's previous ramble with amusement, but the funny tone in her voice wasn't amused to Quinn._

 _"It's not funny, you scared me."_

 _"But these are occupational hazards." She tried to reason innocently_ _._

 _"That's why you need to be more careful Santana. You're being irresponsible."_

 _"Are you serious? I can't really control these risks."_

 _"Yes you can! of course you can." The severity of Quinn's words caused Santana to roll her eyes._

 _The thoughts she was having inside her head were creating a bad mood again, and when Santana was in a bad mood nothing good can come with it. It was hardly possible for Santana to be nice if frustration and bitterness emerge within her._

 _Her moods swung back and forth for no reason at all lately and she feels crabby and wants to be alone more often. She has even been tempted to slam her bedroom door preferably in someone's face too, but she can't._

 _"If you don't want to help me then why the hell did you come?"_

 _And why are you ignoring me?! Santana was dying to ask, she didn't want to let her insecurity talk for her but Quinn was making things really hard._

 _"I do want to help you silly."_

 _"Well it doesn't looks like it Quinn."_

 _"I just don't want you to get hurt, okay?" Quinn offered and Santana rolled her eyes again at the irony because well, Quinn was already hurting her._

 _She felt how slender fingers kept softly working on her wound, but what really distracted Santana was Quinn's other hand firmly planted on her bare back near her waist._ _She_ _was just wearing a sporty bra with her firefighter suit hanging on her waist, that allowed Santana to be one hundred percent aware of Quinn's breathing on her back and her gentle hands on her._

 _Maybe she should try to understand Quinn after all because she was there nonetheless. Quinn lifted her butt from the comfort of the apartment she share with a classmate named Mercedes just to come there and help her. Even given the weirdness of their relationship lately, she was still there, so that's what should count right?_

 _Days ago, when Santana honestly asked herself which person in her life meant the most to her, the answer was clear. And it weren't her friends that always are giving her advice, solutions, or cures. Instead, is a gorgeous girl that she met nine months ago._

 _The most important things are the hardest to say and also are the things that Santana get ashamed of, because words diminish them. Words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in her head. But it's more than that, the most important things lie way too close to her heart, buried deep and so for fear, the secret stays locked._

 _"There it is." Santana sensed how Quinn put a small patch over her wound and when she stopped her movements with her fingers, she took that as a hint and turned around to face Quinn again._

 _The worse thing she could have done._

 _Her eyes were immediately locked with gorgeous hazel ones._ _There was a flash of light with a surge of energy that rolled through her body from the tips of her fingers to the tips of her toes._

 _They look at each other with shy relief. It was the look two old friends give when they recognize each other in a busy street after so long of being apart._ _But they were far more than just two old friends._

 _Quinn's gaze changed to one of pure desire, her eyes were full with want. She_ _was kissing Quinn's soul with just one look. In that moment eye contact was way more intimate than words will ever be. Quinn held her gaze shyly, but she had a hungry look in her eyes too and it frightened Santana._

 _This was turning out to be a much better evening than Santana ever thought possible, and it was all because of her. But then Quinn batted her eyelashes and with a cute blush, she looked away._

 _However, the magic wasn't gone._

 _"Please don't look at me like that." Quinn whispered, sounding like she was begging Santana to stay away from her for some unknown reason but at the same time, she wasn't making any attempt to step back._

 _The smallest pressure on her soft skin distracted Santana and she had to sigh through her nose heavily. If Quinn wanted her away then why she still had her hands over Santana's flat belly? Possessively planted on her skin._

 _It didn't make sense. Yet, Santana still daringly went forward._

 _She leaned in, and her plump lips landed on the side of Quinn's head._ _Santana could hear how Quinn's breath hitched and she smiled at the obvious effect she had on her with that simple gesture._

 _Santana grabbed Quinn's hands and put them properly against her stomach, making Quinn look at her questioningly with their faces just inches apart._

 _"Then what if I stare at you every time you look away?" She clenched her jaw while searching for something in those eyes that kept looking at her with curiosity. The access was already provided so now she just needed to get an answer._

 _She wasn't going to lie, it was exciting how hazel eyes were glued on her lips, apparently wanting to say something but at the same time not wanting to say anything._

 _Santana's hand lifted up and removed a strand of blonde hair out of her eyes, leaving her palm resting softly against her_ _blushed_ _cheek. She watched how Quinn's eyes fluttered shut and then traveled down to her mouth once again. Santana was breathless and_ _agitated_ _._ _She would love to just lean in and finally kiss those lips with cherry taste to sleep peacefully at nights again._ _They were so close, their bodies pressed together and Santana's nose was practically nuzzling into Quinn's cheek. It was intimate and her heart was going to come out of her chest at any time._

 _Then Quinn slowly started to tilt her head, she moved closer to her, her face just inches away from her with an almost invisible blush. They stood motionless while Santana kept looking deep into her eyes. Their noses were already touching._

 _Santana wanted to draw out the moment before_ the moment _because as good as kissing feels, nothing feels as good as the anticipation of it._ _She closed the distance, ever so gently moving her lips closer, her forehead resting on Quinn's. She softly pecked Quinn's lips once to_ _tempt her luck_ _. Her mouth was so soft to the touch, it was unbelievable. Her hand caught Quinn gently behind the neck before feel her lips softly but firmly pressed against hers._

 _All speech, all possible answers and doubts were shut when her mouth made contact with hers._

 _There was not indifference, there was no avoidance anymore; there was just mouths, lips touching, and the same exact feeling she had when she first kissed Quinn._ _She surrounded her waist firmly with her arm while her other hand tried to bring their lips impossible closer to taste every inch of Quinn's mouth._

 _Heaven wasn't supposed to come this early for her. But here she was, kissing an angel and feeling_ _as if she were walking on clouds._

 _It wasn't technically possible, but Santana felt like she was flying, she felt as if someone just wake her up from a cruel nightmare and w_ _hen Quinn sighed heavily against her mouth, something melt inside of her. It hurt in such an exquisite way. All her longings, all her dreams and sweet anguish, all the secrets that slept deep within her came awake. Everything was transformed and enchanted. And it made sense._

 _She felt how Quinn's fingers touched every inch of skin available of her stomach until she reached her breasts, supporting her hands just above them while she kept her arm possessively around her small waist._

 _It almost felt like Quinn wasn't kissing her, she was whispering in her mouth. She whispered once, twice; over and over again how much she had missed her the past few days which confused Santana because if that's so, then why she ignored her?_

 _But too soon for her taste, the dream was over._

 _They had to part because someone was knocking at her door with such an annoying enthusiasm that Santana was sure was going to kill the person behind that door for the interruption._

 _"Santana I'm sorry! I was showering and I didn't see your text, but now I'm here!"_

 _Rachel Berry._

 _Rachel annoying as fuck Berry._

 _She rolled her eyes and looked at Quinn who sighed out of frustration before look away._

 _It was strange how every time that Rachel was mentioned in a random conversation or every time she was around them, Quinn would give her this look of distance and remoteness, looking mad and oddly sad._

 _Sometimes, when Santana likes to venture into the strange world that is Quinn, she seriously thinks that it can't be other thing than jealousy, because jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity and damn, Quinn really can be a neurotic sometimes._

 _But jealous of Rachel?_ _Why?_

 _Santana recalls very well all the times that Quinn would say the serious crush Rachel supposedly has on her. And it's weird to not say bizarre. They're just friends, they've been friends since high school and Santana had never thought about Rachel in any other way. It was absurd and really, really out of reality._

 _But she must be wrong anyway, it can't be jealousy because Santana knows very well how jealousy feels like. She's jealous all the time._

 _She's jealous of every minute Quinn spend with Michael, of every concerned expression she send his way when something happens, jealous of every glance, every touch, and every thought. She's jealous of the way they held hands and jealous of the fact that Michael is the one enjoying Quinn and not her. Santana wants to rip him to pieces and purge him from Quinn's mind and heart. But she can't; and knowing this feeling to perfection she doubts that Quinn could be jealous._

 _It couldn't be._

 _"Hey are you there? You didn't bleed to death, did you?" Rachel called worried from the outside once again, as if what she just said could be a real possibility._

 _Santana chuckled, and ignoring Quinn's indifference gaze, she walked towards the door._

 _It wasn't weird at all when she saw Rachel standing there with a small first aid kit._

 _She gave he friend a funny grin._

 _"What? I need to take care of your injured back and here is everything we need! Now tell me how bad it is so I can start my work as a nurse."_

 _"I already helped her." Comes that voice that likes to haunt her at nights._

 _Santana looked to her side just in time to see Quinn putting on her coat. It seemed like Quinn wasn't going to stay any other second there._

 _"Well that explain perfectly why you're shirtless." Rachel commented with a small blush, fighting nervously with the aid kit in her hands while trying to not look at Santana's breasts that were only covered with a tiny sporty bra. The blush on Rachel's cheeks was kinda adorable if someone asked Santana. "But you know what, I think it's already late so I'll stay here with you tonight just in case you need anything." Her friend finished before finally stepping inside._

 _But before that Santana could even think of say anything, she heard a chuckle_ _colder than the winter sun_ _._

 _"Looks like you have your own personal nurse now." Quinn said before walking towards the door where Santana was still standing kind of_ _dumbfounded_ _. Her mind was still elsewhere with the intense make out session they just had but apparently Quinn wasn't having the same problem. "See you around."_

 _Quinn gave her one last look reflecting a hint of insecurity and other more complicated things, emotions that Santana couldn't quite understand after what just happened between them because she thought she was being clear with the way she kissed Quinn, she thought she had left her feelings completely exposed. But to all appearances, that kiss didn't clarified anything, it just caused even more doubts between them._

 _After a few seconds Quinn finally averted her eyes and_ _closed the door behind her, leaving Santana more confused than ever._

* * *

Her sore hand was indeed a clear reminder of what she did. An impulsive act that will have consequences for sure. But she had never felt so satisfy so she didn't care that much.

The first thing Santana did this morning was going straight to her commander's office to demand an explanation. She needed to know what possessed his crazy mind to tell Quinn that she was dead, that all her partners were dead and the answer was as stupid as him because apparently, saying that they were all killed was a strategy to attack unexpectedly, that's why they 'won'.

Understandably, Santana got furious and without even thinking it she punched him. Not once but twice.

Now she's just waiting for someone that will most likely arrive at her apartment to arrest her or something like that. But her mind was still stuck with all the drama that was Quinn so she wasn't thinking about that either.

She knows, after an unknown number of long conversations with her war buddies how it felt like when you lose someone you can't live without. She knows that her heart will be badly broken, _it is_ badly broken now. And the bad news is, that she will never completely get over the loss of her love. But she can't go her whole life collecting days, because none will outweigh the one day she wished she had back.

However, it was so tempting to blame herself for taking the wrong decision, for sing in the army and lose the love of her life. It was easy that way, it was easy blame her or her commander instead of Quinn.

But then again, why this should be Quinn's fault if she thought she was dead?

"Tell me how the hell I can love her but also feel sick at the sound of her name? It doesn't make sense." Santana commented, lost in her mind while looking up at the ceiling.

She was currently lying on her couch with her head on Rachel's lap, feeling her tender fingers work on her hair as Kurt just kept looking at her with sympathetic eyes from beside.

They keep telling her that time heals all wounds, but no one is telling her what she's supposed to do right now. Because _right now_ Santana can't sleep. It is right now that she can't eat. Right now she still hear her voice and sense her presence even though she knows that Quinn is not there. Santana knows all about time and wounds healing, but even if she had all the time in the world, she still wouldn't know what to do right now.

"You'll get over it." It was a really funny thing coming from Kurt, the drama Queen of love. You don't just fucking get over someone.

"Look, we don't have to talk about her right now, it's not worth it." Rachel friendly said. And Santana was sure that her friend meant that _Quinn_ was not worth it, not the conversation.

"We're not talking about her Rachel, I'm just saying that I have a bad habit of always getting my hopes up."

"I think it wasn't a good idea telling her that you were back just yet. Her presence yesterday did nothing but cause you more trouble in your head." That's probably the most accurate thing she had heard Rachel say, but Santana didn't regret one second either so she can't really blame her.

And maybe it wasn't a good idea after all, because Santana wasn't ready. Memories came back in flashes yesterday but she wouldn't change anything.

Santana looked up at Rachel feeling utterly empty. She didn't know what she was supposed to say to her.

"You're all right there?" Kurt inquired and Santana nodded. "Are you sure?"

There was a very long pause but it didn't do anything to fill the empty holes. She still lied anyway. "Yeah."

Santana heard then, the sound of the door being open. And her eyes closed while her whole body started to feel the anticipation of the moment. She was waiting for this since Quinn announced her visit last night.

Kurt and Rachel were already looking in the direction of the door and the person standing there.

Santana knew who it was. But she didn't know if this was going to be their last conversation.

There is a difference between saying goodbye and letting go: goodbye is not permanent and letting go is being okay with never seeing her ever again, being okay with never knowing how her life turned out; being okay with fifty or more years of silence, being okay with running into Quinn at a grocery store and having her not acknowledge her presence. This is the part of life that doesn't sit well with Santana and never will. It tears her heart in pieces even through the conversation hasn't even started yet.

Kurt was still looking at Quinn with remote recognition. The look on his eyes was different than the look he used to have when he was around Quinn years ago.

Things had changed between all of them, most definitely.

"Hey." Soft and delicate. Santana finally regarded her. Their eyes met and thereupon Quinn gave her that naturally charming smile of hers.

Ten long trips around the sun and two years since she last time she saw that smile. For a couple of moments in the immensity of time, everything else but them vanished.

This time, there were no tears. This time, there is only emptiness and she felt it set in the straight line of her mouth. She was not strong enough for this. Santana would rather experience an earthquake, a hurricane, anything. Anything must be better than this. But she knew that this conversation needed to be done.

Santana stare at her friends. No one had to be too smart to realize that Quinn wasn't welcome anymore, and as far as it could be understandable, they needed to go.

"Why don't you guys come back later?" It was announced in a low tone but with the gaze she gave them, it was enough to shut any possible protest.

Santana watched how her friends looked at her with a worried expression before standing up and walking out of her apartment. She knew what was coming now.

But Santana really wanted to start by pulling Quinn into her arms and enjoy her warmth because she was supposed to be _hers_. She would let the world break its own neck if it means keeping her. Santana wanted to start by pretending to understand what is going on inside of her head. She wanted to say that she won't leave her side again, never. She wanted to wrap her body in her arms until Quinn fall asleep and could only dream about rainbows and butterflies.

But when is a monster not a monster? When is a broken soul not broken? They can't cover the sun with a finger, things have changed.

There is so much to forgive in those gorgeous hazel eyes but Santana doesn't know how to forget anymore.

"How are you?" Quinn began tentatively before starting to walk closer.

"You saw me yesterday." Santana simple said to her ex lover and a small pout was draw on Quinn's lips. She instantly felt like she wanted to slap herself.

"I know, but a lot can happen in one night." Quinn smiled again before showing her fingers. And none of them had a ring.

The unexpected surprise made the ache in Santana's chest grew and decrease at the same time. But she was stubborn, she was stubborn and her whole soul was broken by the woman in front of her so she remained silent. Is in that moment when she stare into Quinn's eyes that Santana understood. This wasn't a story about love or about waiting. They had an expiration date from the beginning. This wasn't a love story, this was just a story about lonely people.

That's how we live our lives anyway, we continue to play out our lives this way because the thing is that life actually goes on, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.

Santana knew that God was laughing at her somewhere because he had taken the other half of her heart, the one person who knew her better than she knew herself. But nothing was the same, and as Quinn walked even closer to her with her eyes lost on the floor and her hands tightly intertwined with nervousness, Santana convinced herself that they were over.

"I know what it felt like when I... thought you were dead, and-" A small gasp for breath let out Quinn's trembling lips, and her eyes finally locked on Santana's again. "You can't blame me for the wrong decisions I made, I was out of me the majority of the time. It wasn't my fault." Quinn's chest was contracting due to her unstable breathing and her eyes closed for long seconds before open them again. It was like seeing her fighting with her thoughts. "You just have to know that I wouldn't have married if I knew you were coming back, I'm sorry."

One by one drops fell from her eyes. Each one commemorating something Quinn had lost. Hope. Faith. Confidence. Pride. Security. Trust. Independence. Joy. Freedom. Innocence. Every quality that Santana used to love about her was gone.

And maybe, so was their love.

"We often say sorry when we should have said goodbye. Maybe what you did was the best for us. We weren't meant to be."

"What are you saying? Don't you care about me anymore?" Quinn asked incredulously.

I DO CARE! Santana wanted to yell, she cared so much that she often felt as though the sorrow within her could be lethal. That was why this needed to stop. She couldn't live like that her whole life.

"I don't." She lied.

And then it all happened so fast.

Quinn closed the distance between them and kissed Santana on her lips, and before she stepped away, Santana closed her eyes as well and tried hard to memorize this moment. She wanted to remember Quinn exactly as she was back then, but also remember her as she was now. Her arms around her neck, the way her hair was cut a little too short in the front, the small hickey that Santana gave her yesterday, her smell and softness.

But then too quick, Quinn stepped back.

In that instant, the thought that she might never see her again felt worse than death. Santana wanted to close the distance between them again. Tell her anything, everything. _Just don't go. Please never go. Please always be near me so I can at least see you._

Because it felt final.

Santana always believed that they would find their way back to each other every time. That no matter what, they would be connected, by their history, by this apartment that once they shared together. But this time, this last time, it felt final. Like she would never see her again, or that when she would, it would be different, there would be a mountain between them.

Not one day went by that Santana didn't feel Quinn missing from her life. Quinn haunted her to the point that she imagined her lying next to her. She couldn't escape those eyes and she didn't want to. But Santana knew it in her bones. She knew that this time was it. She had finally made her choice and so had Quinn. She let her go and Santana's heart broke.

She looked how Quinn walked out of her apartment living the keys over the small furniture.

What could she do? Everything was already over.

...

The loud sound of the doorbell woke her up. She was sweating and her swollen hand pulsating with pain.

Santana blinked a couple of times while the unsteady rhythm of her heart began to slow down again. Her body was still laying on the couch and the ice she put on her hand an hour ago was already melted. There was no sight of her friends or Quinn, she was alone. It was just a dream.

A nightmare better say.

The annoying sound didn't stop and Santana finally stood up from the couch, rubbing her tired eyes.

Apparently Kurt was already there just like he promised, she excited walked towards the main door to finally see her friend after two long years. But it wasn't Kurt the one behind that thick timber. Instead, there was a pair of shining hazel eyes.

But what surprised Santana, was the little girl on her arms smiling at her with an unique beauty. She met the baby's eyes and Santana felt it in the pit of her stomach, she felt it in her heart. The air left her lungs and her chest tightened with recognition.

She could hear her baby voice even if she wasn't actually hearing it; the same way you can hear a song in your head even if there isn't a radio playing; the same way you can hear those birds flying when they're not in the sky.

Santana could see the perfect resemblance. All she knew was that the little girl had already entered into her world and she felt more alive than she had ever felt before; secretly wishing just one thing.

She imagined this in a dream somewhere, sometime, someplace. They talked about this uncountable times at nights.

It was all there.

She knew it.


	6. Chapter 6

_Never had a party felt so boring to her._

 _Even though she likes to get drunk from time to time, Santana hated it when people lose themselves. There's nothing left because they're not interesting with some alcohol in their system, they're boring. She hates it, especially the people trying to hit on someone while drunk. It's seriously the most unappealing thing in the world._

 _Pretty girls in pretty dresses, partying until dawn. Irresistible boys with mischievous smiles and dangerous intentions. White lies, dark secrets, and scandalous hookups. Typical. This is how a college party looks like._

 _'I'm gonna party, see how intoxicated I can get and how many rules I can flaunt.' That's everyone's motto tonight._

 _She believes, like all people say, when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade; and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party. But the problem is, she still doesn't even know how to make lemonade._

 _Santana could say that she came to this party to distract herself and not think so much about anything, maybe to finally drink some alcohol without giving a fuck or maybe to have fun with someone under the sheets. But all of that would be big lies, because the real reason is that she knew Quinn would be there too._

 _She wished that the kiss she shared with Quinn when the latter went over to her apartment that Friday night was the last kiss. It would have made things so much easier because to all appearances, Quinn was just playing with her, experiencing the forbidden but without intentions of giving Santana anything more. She really, really wished that it had been their last kiss. Sadly, that wasn't the case. The following Monday Quinn found her on campus walking near the bathrooms. And without thinking it she dragged Santana there, toying with the idea of more, of pushing the boundaries again and going for a repeat performance._

 _Quinn closed the door behind them, and pushed Santana against the wall before kissing her hard. Quinn whimpered and groaned and tugged at Santana's shirt. Santana tried to ask her what was she doing though it was clearly obvious, but Quinn just cup her cheeks to pull her back in and kissed her again. They kissed for minutes, unforgettable and blissful minutes. But then when they pulled away and looked into each other's eyes; a flash of guilt crossed Quinn's face and just like that the gorgeous blonde walked out of the bathroom._

 _Santana didn't questioned Quinn, she didn't ask her what that meant. Instead, she played cool the rest of the week and didn't say a word to her even though the thought of Quinn had haunted her. Their hands on each other's bodies, the images of them together, the sounds -that didn't fail to make her weak at the knees- God, it had been killing Santana, the mere thought of Quinn kissing her again, touching her, panting out her name... Santana was dying to just go to her apartment and kiss her senseless, she wanted to show Quinn was she was missing out. But she didn't._

 _Nevertheless, the need of seeing her again was stronger. And so, she came to the party just because she knew that Quinn was coming and maybe they could finally talk about their situation. The thing was, she didn't know that Michael would make an appearance as well. It was like a punch on her guts._

 _But that shouldn't have been a problem, why? Because to not arrive to this huge house alone like a loser she invited her weird friends. And they, as good friends, should be making her company and talking about how much life sucks. But Rachel was already talking lively with a young brunette and Kurt was already dancing with her boyfriend. At that moment, alcohol seemed like the best solution to her problems. However, it took her just one look at them to saw how intoxicated their friends already were and she decided against it._

 _Assigned driver it is then._

 _Quinn already saw her a while ago and, she looked gorgeous. She always does, but this time that girly blue dress was breathtaking. Quinn_ _had all eyes on her._ _Their eyes connected in the middle of the crowded room for brief seconds but she still hadn't cross her way. Santana decided that it was a great time to go to the expansive kitchen where all the drinks were to ironically drink some water._

 _It would be really good instead to just get out of that house and go straight back to her apartment, but now due to her drunk friends Santana would have to take care of them. She was going to kill them tomorrow._

 _"College parties, buddy. Pure freedom." An athletic, big guy, clearly drunk commented to his friend once they entered the kitchen along with her._

 _Santana rolled her eyes. She wasn't the Queen of maturity but all the guys here left much to be desired._

 _She turned around and helped herself to a glass of water before sit on a chair next to the kitchen table. She watched with little interest how the two drunk guys kept talking about who knows what. Her mind was lost in thoughts thinking about a certain blonde that was probably in the backyard kissing her perfect boyfriend. But then a girl about her age, came into the kitchen and stare at her straight away._

 _Santana frowned, and then a part of her got a little bit nervous when the girl started to talk towards her with decisive steps._

 _"This is so funny! Isn't this funny? I've been trying to find you for hours!" She sat next to Santana. She brought her chair over to her a little bit closer. And now Santana could see that the girl was drunk. "That's better."_

 _"Sorry but who are you?" She asked as nice as possible._

 _"I'm Heather, and I know you don't know me just yet but we can know each other better whenever you want. If you know what I mean." Heather said with confidence._

 _This girl was stunning. Blonde hair, big green eyes, a body perfectly in shape. And by the clothes she was wearing anyone could say that she was dressed with the intention of have fun this night._

 _The flirtation was there, the possibility of have sex was there. Santana knew very well the signs. But she was about to turn her down. And she was kinda surprised of herself honestly. She's not thinking that people shouldn't have one night stands since they can do whatever they want, but the whole concept doesn't hold a whole lot of attraction to her anymore. Maybe a month ago, or two, she would have taken the offer immediately. But now..._

 _Now everything seems to be painted in hazel color._

 _"So, what do you think?" Heather whispered, she got closer and slightly brushed her lips on the sensitive skin behind Santana's ear._

 _That's a good way to turn on someone, but Santana wasn't affected. Not even in the slightest. And then at the worst time, almost comedy, just in that moment Quinn had to appear in the kitchen. Looking a little drunk with anger in her eyes that could be obvious to even blind people._

 _Michael wasn't with her and Santana didn't know if that was good or not. It wasn't as if she owe Quinn anything, but she still tried to subtly stand up to make some space between her and Heather but this girl, roughly grabbed her shoulder making her sit down again._

 _"Hey! what the fuck."_

 _"You haven't answer my question yet," Heather drunkenly said, demanding an answer with those big green eyes and Santana started to ask herself if the girl was just drunk or if she was actually subjected to drugs._

 _"What if you better go find your friends or something?" Santana answered. "You're way too drunk for this party Heather."_

 _"But when you're drunk, you can see better. And I really like what I'm seeing." She tried to flirt again before moving her hands from Santana's shoulder to her arm._

 _It's always funny to watch some people doing something the wrong way but doing it confidently. Despite of how irritable the situation was, Santana wasn't mad; she was amused and she even smiled at Heather._

 _A pair of hazel eyes were watching all the scene in front of her as well, watching her every move and it was unnerving. Quinn was looking at her and that voice, that sweet voice that wasn't even speaking was already enveloping Santana._

 _Asleep or awake, indoors or outdoors, in the bath or bed. There was no escape, she couldn't escape Quinn._

 _Santana looked up to meet her eyes and wondered if Quinn was going to ask her something, because it seemed so. But of course, Quinn didn't. She didn't asked anything because she doesn't learn things by asking questions, Quinn just learns by watching. And Santana knew this because she remembered. She remembered every conversation she has had with her._

 _'You don't realize how verbal language actually interferes with communication until you don't have it. It's incredible how it gets in the way of real communication, like the body language for example. You have to pay much more attention to everything else when you can't understand the words. Just try it, almost nothing needs to be said when you have eyes.'_

 _Her voice was so kind, it was caring, almost loving when Quinn told her that. It never stops to amaze Santana how smart and wise Quinn is. She really likes to analyze and questioning everything. That's why she's watching with a dangerous interest her conversation with Heather. Santana is sure that Quinn must be imagining something._

 _"Really? If you're going to stare at her all the time while I'm trying to have my moment with you then forget it. It's your lost anyway." Heather suddenly brought her back to reality._

 _If it wasn't for her skin color the blush on Santana's cheek would be shamefully obvious._

 _The drunk girl stood up forcefully before storming out of the kitchen, finally leaving her and Quinn alone._

 _A new problem._

 _Santana opened her mouth to awfully greet her but then, two girls and two young men entered the kitchen._

 _Quinn stood looking at her for a moment, and it seemed to Santana that it was not a look of greeting after an absence, but the look of someone who had thought of her every day, every minute and second._ _It was only an instant that Quinn looked as if she were missing her._

 _Thereupon, one of the girls who was excited pouring herself another drink cleared her throat. "I think I speak for me and my friend Clara when I say, you need to dance with us before the party is over. Someone told me that the infamous Santana Lopez has quite the talent in the dance floor."_

 _At the mention of her name Santana finally averted her eyes from Quinn._

 _The infamous Santana Lopez? She became the infamous girl in just one year? It was unbelievable and that comment did make her feel upset. But she didn't have the time to say anything because the four of them were out of the kitchen when their drinks were ready._

 _"Well aren't you popular." Quinn said bitterly after one long sip of her cup._

 _"Hey there stranger,_ _I thought I was being ignored?_ _" Santana stated vaguely. The surprise on Quinn's face by her daring words was there. Visible to any eye._

 _"I'm not ignoring you, I've just been busy. A_ _lthough_ _I didn't even think you would notice my presence with all the girls I've seen you around this week. It's kind of shocking not seeing you making out with someone already."_

 _Santana had to stand up to understand better the sight in front of her._

 _Is she, jealous? Because she sure as hell looks and sounds jealous. Funny thing is, that you can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself._

 _In Santana's opinion, Quinn somehow belongs to her. If anyone thinks about it deep enough, they would understand that Quinn chose Santana to be part of the most special moment a woman can have. She chose her to randomly kiss in college and in her apartment. She chose Santana to tell some of her secrets and she chose Santana to look at with such affection. This is not a simple friendship or some fling between them, because if that's so, then why all the kisses? Why Quinn came to her to lose her virginity and not her boyfriend of two years? It didn't make sense._

 _This can only mean one thing._

 _Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy Quinn, Santana thought smirking. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder and an inferiority complex._

 _"I guess I'm just awesome, who wouldn't want to be with me?" Santana teased to see Quinn's reaction, but to her credit she didn't look at Santana in the eyes, she did smile though, that so sweet smile of hers before lowering her head and pressing her back against the side of the fridge._

 _"I think," Quinn said slowly. "You can drive a person crazy by simply refusing to look at them, that's all. Don't flatter yourself."_

 _"What? That doesn't even make sense." Santana giggled at Quinn's tipsy and bad reply. Even tipsy and looking mad she was still the most adorable human being._

 _"It does, because they just feel intrigued by your arrogance."_

 _"Well Rachel always says that I make them laugh a lot, I think that somewhere in me lives a little comedic ability that manage to charm the ladies." Santana winked._

 _She knew that by the mention of Rachel's name Quinn's mood would change. Santana wasn't quite sure what she was looking for in this conversation but she wanted something._

 _"I guess it must be truth then, because she seems to know every single thing about you." The tone Quinn used was curious. It didn't sound like bitterness or jealousy, it sounded a lot like sadness. But Santana didn't give that much attention._

 _She shrugged unimportant, it made Quinn finally met her eyes. Something across her beautiful face made Santana's breathe hitch, and not in a good way. "Yeah, she knows everything about me because-"_

 _"Because you're sleeping with her." She said exasperated, accusingly. Quinn was demanding an answer even if she didn't have the right to do so._

 _Santana doesn't understand how Quinn could be so blind to the fact that she would do anything for her in a heartbeat, and she barely return the gesture and trust._

 _She wanted to tell Quinn how much she would rather look at her than to any other woman in this world. She wanted to tell Quinn that only by watching her she could memorize her, and take her and possess her. Santana did not know how to explain that she could touch her better than any other person, with her hands caressing every soft inch of her. She just wanted to tell her that she could love her if Quinn just could open the doors for her._

 _And as she stared at Quinn, Santana just kept thinking about one thing. How she could feel the burning ache just beneath her rib cage. It hurt like the worst ass-kicking she'd ever gotten._

 _What does Quinn need to finally understand that Santana has eyes just for her? What in God's name does she want Santana to say? That she agreed with her crazy theory completely? That she and Rachel are together? That would satisfy Quinn? Because well, Santana won't lie just for the sake of lying. She'd rather stay silent and realize that the kind, gentle, passionate person she had fallen for didn't exist in that very moment and in her place was a cold, unfeeling drunk fool who wouldn't know romance and love even if someone slap her in the face._

 _Her lack of response gave Quinn the wrong impression and she chuckled acidly with a dead glare._

 _"You don't want to answer, that's fine. Sometimes silence is an answer too."_

 _"Well this time it isn't. She's just my friend,_ _what's so damn hard to believe Quinn?_ _" Santana raised her voice. She was getting really tired of Quinn's stubbornness, she could stand her damned nonsense only twice or once per day, but this was too much. It was already hard enough to have a conversation with a sober and moody Quinn. A tipsy one is even worse._

 _"Forget it, I'm going out to see Michael playing Flip Cup, wanna come?" She glanced at Santana who frowned at the change of topic._

 _She shook her head incredulously straight away. "Why the hell I would want to see that dork playing a stupid game?"_

 _"Because everyone is out there seeing him." Quinn challenged, her expression was telling Santana that she was trying to prove something, anything._

 _Hearing Quinn talking about Michael was_ _the straw that broke the camel. Santana had enough._

 _"If you want him still alive, then I need to be at least ten feet away." The rage could be heard in her voice._

 _"What?" Quinn asked confused, hinting at what she pretended was the root of the problem._

 _Santana watched her for awhile, she looked at Quinn, and she blamed her beauty when every_ _tough_ _emotion disappear._

 _She really has a perfect beauty. The kind people write songs and poems and suicide notes about. It's that exotic kind of beauty that men in romance novels obsess over, even if they have no idea who she is because they must possess her. That kind of beauty_

 _Quinn could be just talking like now or humming or watching a movie or reading a book or laughing, and there's just something about her that really makes Santana think, 'I really love you'._

 _This was the moment._

 _"I don't want to be close to the guy whose girl I have every intention of stealing." Santana finally voiced, somehow, what's been inside her heart for months._ _For a moment there, the air disappeared from her lungs and a deadly silence embraced the room._

 _Quinn's face didn't change, but her eyes did._

 _"What are you saying?"_ _It was weird the feeling that her voice was giving Santana. It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place._

 _Quinn had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and just found a dead beetle at the bottom. Santana didn't know what to do with that, but she still went on._

 _"I'm saying that I like you, I really like you Quinn. And just because I can't have you right now it doesn't mean that I'm okay with him having you." Santana could taste the adrenaline in the back of her throat with the admission._

 _She didn't just like Quinn though, she loved her, with no beginning, no end. She loved her because Quinn had become an extra necessary organ in her body. She loved her as only a girl could love another girl. Without fear. Without expectations. Wanting nothing in return, except that Quinn could allow Santana to keep her in her heart._

 _But say I love you seemed to be a little too much. 'I love you' is only a beginning. And somehow this really didn't feel like a new beginning to Santana._

 _Quinn looked past her eyes as if she were trying to understand her words. She seemed shocked, she looked pale and small, but her eyes make Santana think of open skies that she have never, never actually seen, only dreamed of. Her eyes went slowly from astonishment to stillness, then to a strange expression that resembled a look of happiness._

 _But then, "You're lying."_

 _"What?! I'm not lying."_

 _"Yes you are!"_

 _"I'm not lying Quinn, what the hell is wrong with you?"_

 _"How do you want me to believe this when you're always hitting on every girl who cross your way? And what about Rachel?"_

 _She knew that her reputation might play against her in some determinate moment, but she never thought that it would be so soon and hurt so much._

 _Quinn wasn't believing her._

 _"How can't you see it? I don't care about anyone but you_ _, y_ _ou're the one girl I want_ _. And please just, stop talking about Rachel all the time, nothing is going on between us."_

 _Santana saw how Quinn tightened the hold on her own dress with her left hand, her knuckles increasingly white. The way she was staring at Santana made her ache, it wasn't fair. Quinn caused this ache from the start. This churning pain that feels mental and physical now. For some reason Quinn's gaze was hurting her and all she could think was God, I wish she'd stop staring at me like that._

 _Her eyes trusted in nothing and they made Santana feel uncomfortable._

 _She wasn't hearing anything, she wasn't getting an answer, she was just being watched with emotions she didn't get. Quinn maybe thought that she was reading her thoughts, but it was her eyes that were speaking for her instead. Beneath that cold glance there was something different. Hope, maybe._

 _"I like you." Santana repeated._

 _No answer._

 _Quinn shook her head, and closed her eyes tight. Santana thought for a moment that she was finally going to say something, she really thought that Quinn was going to say 'I like you too,' but instead, a weak "I can't do this right now." was heard in the loneliness of the kitchen._

 _Santana lowered her head when she heard Quinn's steps, her eyes grew bright. In just seconds Quinn was out of there, out of the conversation she had just started in order to change their current situation and out of any sort of confession._

 _It suddenly felt like her heart was trying to beat its way out of her chest, trying to break free from the chains that Quinn had wrapped around her. But even if the conversation was abruptly ended in that moment, no one said that it was over._

 _"There you are! We were looking for you." Rachel said once she entered in the kitchen followed by Kurt._

 _As always, in the worse moment they decided to make an appearance._

 _"I saw Quinn walking out of here, but judging by her face and your face I guess... no funny business?" Kurt asked with amusement while Rachel just rolled her eyes with slight annoyance._

 _If Rachel only knew that she is always the main reason of her discussions with Quinn._

 _Santana just shook her head and ignored them. She opened the fridge to grab a beer before walking out without a word. She wasn't in the mood for jokes._

* * *

 _Santana cried. How ridiculous. But she had no more tears to drop now. No tears come out so she just stare blankly into space while feeling her thoughts fight with one other._

 _She's two steps away from going crazy, completely and logically crazy. Things never really turn out the way she thought they would. Maybe she shouldn't have tell Quinn anything._

 _Was she bitter when she told her? No. It was the wrong time? Maybe, and now she's feeling it. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at the rejection anyway? She's been asking herself every question she can think of, what, why, how come, and now her sadness turned to anger._

 _Santana's confession was unanswered. However, it would have surprised her if Quinn would have readily answered such words._ _She could imagine what Quinn was feeling though; anxiety, surprise, confusion. But she feared to move. And when she finally walked out of the kitchen, there was no sight of Quinn._

 _She wasn't in the mood to stay at the party either. To her luck Kurt was going to stay with her boyfriend and Rachel decided to stay with a friend so she headed right away to her apartment. They weren't her problem anymore._

 _The doorbell rang in the stillness of her room and Santana frowned strangely. She looked at the time on her phone and it was almost 3AM. No one should be at her door at that time._

 _She reluctantly stood up from bed and felt a little dizzy from the quick movement before starting to walk._

 _If it was one of her classmate or a one night stand trying to have a repeat performance she was going to finally lose her mind. It was enough bullshit for just one night already._

 _However, her plans of yelling at someone with brilliant insults were over and she had to swallow her anger. Why's that? Because there in all her drunk glory was Quinn._

 _She was simply beautiful, too beautiful for the eyes. But Santana didn't had much time to appreciate her because as always, Quinn surprised her._

 _Her lips were on hers quickly, catching Santana's bottom lip between hers as she tried to get more and more of her. It knocked Santana senseless for a moment. The pressure was hard and demanding, unforgiving and exacting and it only took a second for Santana to return her kisses with the same enthusiasm. It was overwhelming, the scent of her, innocent and pure, and the taste of her, warm, hot and sensual with a trace of vodka._

 _Santana felt that she was hallucinating, her arms were tight around her waist and Quinn's hands tight around her neck. Quinn was trying to kiss Santana again and again, wanting more and more. She kissed Santana long and soft, and when Quinn pulled herself away, she touched her mouth with her fingers. Quinn looked at her and Santana felt a spark tingle to her bones. It was suddenly easy for her to imagine that her fears were pointless. That Quinn could also love her no matter what and that she was the kind of woman who loved her already._

 _The surprise was definitely welcome._

 _"I'm sorry if I've been rude to you and I'm sorry if I distanced myself. I just didn't know what else to do with this feeling and... and I tried, I swear Santana, I really tried but I just can't escape from you." Quinn said in a hurry, breathless. Her hands still firmly around the back of her neck, softly caressing her skin with the tip of her fingers. Santana felt as if she was once again dreaming. "I like you. I like you a lot. I like every single thing about you since the first day."_

 _Santana let Quinn's words get in her head as she closed her eyes again, she tried to hide the shudder that goes through her at the confession because we're talking about fate here, when feelings are so powerful that it's as if some force beyond her own control is guiding her to someone who can make her happy beyond her wildest dreams._

 _"Really?" She asked dumbfounded, kind of understanding why Quinn questioned her earlier because Jesus, it was so hard to believe that the girl she really liked felt the same way about her._

 _Quinn's lips soften into a smile that cracks apart Santana's spine. She nodded before repeated the words, "Yes, really."_

 _Santana was blinded with happiness and euphoria because how long did she wait for this?_

 _It was unbelievable how happy she was and her smile was saying that much. Even if this was a drunk confession, it didn't feel less important or pleasantly shocking._

 _"I want to be with you San." Quinn whispered with a small smile before moving her lips to Santana's mouth again. Her eyes closed and her lips parted ever so slightly to let Quinn's sweet tongue in. It was all that she wanted to hear._

 _This was very likely the first time that they have been this close together, this intimate. Kissing Quinn was as mind-blowing as ever, full of that same passion and need she had never believed she'd feel. Her lips were so sweet and soft, Santana couldn't get enough of them. But tonight, there was even more to it. Santana no longer had any doubt. It was a culmination of a long journey, or maybe the beginning of one._

 _She knows that Quinn is kind of fucked up because of her family history. But she's fucked up too. She's impulsive and hot-tempered, and Quinn get under her skin like no one else. Quinn act like she hates her one minute and then she needs her the next. Santana never get anything right, and maybe, most probably she doesn't deserve Quinn, but she fucking loves her. She loves her more than she'd loved anyone else or anything before, ever._

 _That night, they didn't do any other thing than snuggle close to each other, almost as if they were just one person. They kissed passionately, even when they were sleepy. They kissed and touched until they didn't find the energy to kiss anymore. It was_ _amazing; Quinn's lips were amazing and_ _Santana couldn't break the spell._

 _And while she could still hardly fathom what had just happened to her that night, she reached some conclusions before she fell asleep with the girl of her dreams in her arms. Certain things now made perfect sense; Paris didn't sound so syrupy anymore, date someone for the first time in her life wasn't such a bad idea, and perhaps share her life with other person wasn't a waste of time._

 _Even if Quinn pretty much said everything that Santana wanted to hear and more, they still needed to have a sober conversation the next day. But in that moment, she just let herself enjoy the warmth feeling of being in Quinn's arms and nothing more._

* * *

 **A/N:** As you already noticed this chapter was completely a flashback, Quinn's first approach with Santana. Although, things were not okay straight away between them. There's still more to read about their beginning, because this wasn't.

Thanks again to Jayzzzsmilezzz who helped me with a few mistakes. Until next time ;)


	7. Chapter 7

Santana was so surprised that for a moment she forgot how to breathe. Her lips clamped together firmly. She was astonished, especially after have shared so many beautiful thoughts on the subject together.

No matter how organized we are, or how well we plan, we just can't expect the unexpected.

"Hey," Quinn's voice was warm as summer sky. Santana lifted her head once she averted her eyes from the baby to look at her. She recognized the strange happiness in Quinn's hazel eyes that came from loving something without knowing why, that strange type of happiness.

It was the same way she felt when she looked at the stars back in Afghanistan. Angry, sad, powerful, weak, happy, optimistic, gloomy. All at once.

Quinn's smile was beautiful. It was telling her something, but the silence was breaking her heart inside. Santana couldn't form any words to ask Quinn anything either, she couldn't talk.

In a very simple way, she left every logical and linear thought and just tried to figure out the big picture in front of her. Many books have been written on how the mind seems to work, never stopping. But in that moment Santana's system stopped altogether leaving just her senses to take over her notion.

"Can we come in?" Quinn asked her softly after a few seconds and Santana still confused, moved to the side to let them in.

"Um, yeah sure." She said uneasy.

The pain in her hand was long forgotten and the hangover was gone already. However, she was going into shock. The ache in her chest that seemed more deep than ever since last night wasn't getting any better and Santana thought that she would probably black out before found out how this was going to end.

She watched how Quinn put her purse on the coffee table before sitting on the couch carefully. The little girl seemed to be quiet as she remained still in Quinn's arms. After closing the door behind her, with some stupid butterflies on her stomach Santana did the same and sat next to Quinn.

For a long moment they didn't move. They just stared at each other and it felt kind of awkward. You know on TV when there's one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background? Well, this was one of those moments.

But then Santana cleared her throat to end with the uncomfortable silence.

"So, she's your daughter." She nodded, stupidly. But she really couldn't take her eyes off the baby, it was hardly possible. Santana couldn't have been more shocked even if Quinn would have pulled a pink elephant out of her mouth, because seriously, this baby looked like the perfect mix between her and Quinn.

Quinn nodded too. She looked at Santana with a strange seriousness in her eyes, but not the kind that made her wonder what she had done wrong. The kind that made her wonder what she had done right.

"Mommy, look." Suddenly the room was filled with a sweet and lovely voice. Santana looked at the little girl once again, not even surprised at her manners because after all, Quinn was her mother. A smile appeared on her lips without even noticing it and she felt oddly happy.

The pretty little girl was showing Quinn how she had managed to change the doll's dress for another which was more colorful. It was kinda adorable.

"I know baby." Quinn kissed her head.

"She's smart." Santana said foolishly.

 _She's smart and beautiful just like you,_ she wanted to add.

She heard then Quinn's melodic giggle and she raised her head.

Time stood still for a moment as Santana studies Quinn. Quinn's ivory-colored complexion. The way her beautiful blonde hair lay gracefully alongside her charming features. Her lips... God, her smile. Her style, grace, elegance, and posture display the pure determination that she has made clear in her mind. The slight indent on the bridge of her adorable nose complements her slender face and endearing qualities. Her elegance alone surpasses any expression Santana have ever encountered.

"I know you still want to question everything but, I need to tell you something first." Quinn looked down at the girl in her arms and her smile grew with a little twinkle in her eyes, showing her extraordinary beauty.

The anticipation of what she wanted to say made Santana edgy. Something deep, buried and embedded in her was making her feel on the edge.

Santana could hear the blood in her ears, her heart was beating really fast and she was starting to feel a pain like someone had blown up a really big balloon inside her chest. She wondered if she was going to have a heart attack or something.

Quinn was incandescent. Just like the first time Santana saw her, those vast and fervent eyes took her by surprise because in them she realized a reflection of her own soul.

"What is it?" Santana asked. She was starting to feel dizzy with all the nervousness going through her veins.

Why did she feel this way? Did she not sleep enough? Santana could feel adrenaline racing and surging through her with this moment that only seemed to attract more and more uncertainty.

"As you must be thinking, Beth is not the result of the supposedly love I feel for my husband. Far from it." Quinn says so low that Santana hardly heard it, but she heard it.

What it meant?

"She is not?" She asked nervous and confused, and she always turned to flippancy when she felt nervous.

She was experienced mixed feelings but maybe, just maybe, she did understand after all.

Then Quinn said, in almost a whisper. "She's your daughter, Santana. Beth is your daughter."

Her confession made Santana's heart quicken in the way it does when she's at the edge of a precipice. She was shocked, there was no air in her lungs. But her eyes were speaking volumes, they were dancing in the moonlight.

Santana made an almost desperate attempt to catch her breath, and it didn't work.

An assumption could be the joke; truth the punchline. Santana felt cold and almost numb, but there was something even bigger waking up within her.

"Please say something." Quinn begged, sounding so damn scared of what this is going to do to them; not only as individuals but also as partners.

Quinn managed to move closer with the baby, _their_ baby still in her arms. Santana's astonished eyes were on Beth, she was watching her as if she were some kind of fallen angel that was now walking on fire. Her tears were falling like sheets of rain already, running freely down her cheeks. Now she simply couldn't imagine going through life without feeling this spectrum of emotion.

Beth looked at Santana when she felt her eyes on her, and her own eyes sparkle. In her small hazel eyes Santana saw her future, her life, her world through a new point of view.

When everything all in a moment comes together, surprisingly perfect, it doesn't prove there's a loving God; but if there is, isn't it perfect when all in a moment God proves how surprisingly and perfect love is?

"She's our baby?" Santana asked with more emotion than she intended. But who could blame her? She regarded Quinn and she saw it. The answer she knew she had wanted to hear, even if it was already obvious by just looking at Beth's features.

Her stomach still knotted up because it all made perfect sense. Her age, her resemblance.

Quinn nodded and Santana's muscles were like jelly; every nerve in her body was screaming out against those two years she was away. She let out a sob, a heart-rending sob from deep within her soul once reality finally hit her.

"She's not... your husband's daughter? She's mine?" She asked again.

Quinn nodded enthusiastically with a smile, and then all of a sudden, slowly, Santana wrapped her arms around them, pulling Quinn and Beth closer, clinging to them as some tears from the deep of her heart were coming out of her eyes.

Quinn reciprocates the hug with just the same powerful feeling. Santana began peppering kisses all over Quinn's face until she finally lands on her so soft, inviting lips. She kissed her with every fiber of her being, and her stomach flutters more when Quinn begins to participate. She rests her forehead on hers and they both smile and gaze into each other's eyes.

""You're happy about this?" Quinn said softly.

Santana let out a small laugh before nodding. "I am, of course I am." What kind of question was that when Quinn already knew that this was all that Santana had ever wanted. It was her dream.

She carefully took Beth from Quinn's arms before sat her on her lap, she could feel her stomach fluttering. It was like holding _life_.

She could see her reflection in Beth.

Suddenly the road didn't look so dark and the sun seemed a little brighter. Living seemed worth the strife now. Beth smiled at her with matching dimples before turning back to her doll. This was feeling a lot like a dream and Santana had to assured herself a couple of times that it was actually happening.

Quinn grabbed her hand and held it tightly, but Santana wasn't even aware of her touch. Her eyes were lost in Beth. Even though they had a lot more to discuss now, in that moment, Santana just wanted to be happy about being Beth's mother. She wanted to hold her and tell her how much she loved her already, she wanted to prove to this little girl that she wasn't going anywhere now.

Tears just kept falling from her eyes; she was a mess of pure happiness.

"Fuck, I can't believe it." Santana bent down to kiss the side of Beth's head. She kissed Beth once, twice. Holding her tight against her chest.

Who would have thought that her conversation with Quinn would turn into this joyful moment?

She had a daughter. Santana Marie Lopez had a daughter.

Quinn scoots closer to her with a lovely giggle. "Wait to see her when she's moody, she's just like you."

Santana smiled and glanced at her. Quinn was looking at Santana like she was her everything. She reached up her hand to dry the few drops from Santana's rosy cheeks and she was lost in the gentle heat of Quinn's touch in a heartbeat.

"Why you didn't tell me this before?"

"Because you didn't let me."

"No, I'm not talking about last night, before that. Why you didn't tell me as soon as you find out?"

Quinn's lazy stroke of her fingers on her cheek stopped. "Because I found out when we couldn't sent you letters anymore. You said you would be away just a few months and I wanted to surprise you. I was going to tell you when you could finally be home again. But then you never came." Her hazel eyes were gorgeous, like molten gold. Yet empty and sad.

Santana looked down at Beth who kept oblivious to the immense moment they were having and just smiled again.

God, it was crazy how happy she was in that moment.

She felt Quinn's right hand travel down her chest while her other hand settled on her cheek. She knew that Quinn always liked to feel her heart just to know that it was beating as fast as hers. Because when they kiss, everything else around them fades away and they lose themselves.

So when Quinn started to lean in, Santana knew what was coming, and she thought, with all honestly, that she would never be strong enough to stop her.

Quinn took hold of her and kissed her lips. It felt just like a dagger buried deep in her back. Santana should have seen her face, burning for love, holding on for her life. But all that she wanted was a little touch. A little tenderness and truth.

Quinn's tongue was sweet, like candy. Her kiss was tender and slow and the tingle in Santana's belly was getting the best of her. She literally melt in Quinn's mouth. She even lifted her nose sniffing for the scent of her as Quinn's hand against her cheek brought her even closer.

She felt like whimpering, she felt like flying. Santana could kiss Quinn for hours upon days upon years. The rest of her life, and she'd be perfectly fine with it. But with all her strength, she still pulled away. Why? Because Beth was right there on her lap and because things between her and Quinn were still pretty much fucked up. So it wasn't right.

Quinn slowly made more distance between their mouths before licking her lips in a way that shouldn't be allowed. And then her eyes locked with Santana's.

She didn't know if she was falling in love all over again or if her love was just growing inside her chest even more; because there was nothing on earth more beautiful to her than Quinn's smile. No sound sweeter than her laughter. No pleasure greater than holding her in her arms.

Quinn lowered her head without losing the hold on Santana's chest. And while Santana was still holding their daughter in her arms, she limited herself to just listen.

"I love you." Quinn murmured, and Santana caught her breath after the innocent admission. It unhinged something inside of her she had locked away.

The feeling of loving her and being loved by Quinn welled up in her. So, maybe it wasn't over? Maybe she could feel Quinn's hand in her again and hear her loud, brash voice contort itself into a whisper to say 'I love you' as if it were a secret, and an immense one. Maybe this was their beginning?

However, she still had doubts, so much doubts and questions that she needed to solve.

"Why you got married then?" Santana lowered her head before feeling Quinn's lips on her cheek.

This gorgeous, perfect blonde was still the one star Santana wished upon nightly, praying that maybe, that star could fall from the heavens and land right in her undeserving arms again.

But now she had Beth too. She had a beautiful daughter. And with Beth, all her problems didn't matter that much. Even Quinn didn't matter in that moment. All that mattered was Beth.

She saw how Quinn leaned back, and her face got serious. The dark spark that crossed her eyes made Santana shiver. Quinn was about to answer her question when suddenly the doorbell rang.

"Santana Lopez! Come open the door and give your friend the biggest hug of history!" Kurt yelled from outside and Santana sighed with strange relief because apparently, what Quinn was going to say wasn't anything good.

So then again, how do you know when it's over? Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing right in front of you?

* * *

 _This morning she welcomed Santana with kisses. And Santana wasn't startled this time, she even breathed in at Quinn's neck. She smells something like... vanilla, or just something sweet, something made of gold; dry and lovely and warm._

 _Was it wrong for her to imagine laying her head on Quinn's chest and closing her eyes breathing in her smell?_ _Possibly, but she didn't care._

 _It was such a calmly sensation when she realized that Quinn was still there given all the drama of the night before. Santana thought that Quinn was going to run away the next day and go back to ignored her. But it didn't happen. She was there, Quinn was there with her._

 _They kissed and shared glances of insecurity and confusion but also of love. They were still on bed, tangled in each other's bodies. Santana didn't know how one thing lead to another and they ended up talking about what the hell they were doing and why Quinn was so afraid of telling her how she really felt. But she didn't know just how embarrassed and insecure Quinn really was._

 _"I'm so fucked up inside." She whispered, "That I don't think anyone could be able to handle me like I've been handled myself for all these years." There wasn't tears, but her voice was as broke as a witch's heart._

 _"I can handle you." Santana_ _simply_ _answered and Quinn chuckled against the sensitive skin of her neck._

 _"Maybe, I mean.. yeah, I know you can. But I'm just afraid of some day being too much, you know? And I don't know if I can deal with that. I am a hurricane Santana."_

 _"I already know who you are Quinn, remember? And I'm not going anywhere." Santana kissed her forehead with an indescribable tenderness, but it did nothing to erase Quinn's doubts._

 _"You just know half of the story."_

 _Half of the story?_

 _Her own dad tried to rape her a few years ago and he's now in jail. Her mom is an alcoholic_ _who_ _had tried to kill herself twice and is now being_ _watched closely_ _by Quinn and her little sister_ _who_ _hasn't even finish high school_ _yet and had to_ _already_ _work_ _in order to earn money. Santana knows that Quinn's only uncle, Russel's brother_ _,_ _is threatening to take the house where her sister and mom lives in Lima Ohio because it belongs to her father and apparently_ _,_ _they are_ _no longer considered_ _family. Santana knows that they had really serious debts. She knows that Quinn had depression and often suffers from panic crisis._

 _All of that is already too much to be just half of the story; but still... it wouldn't matter._

 _Santana wasn't sure what Quinn's weakness was, because despite of being one of the most imperfect people she knew; She was perfectly imperfect. Santana loved all her flaws. She have never looked at someone so broken and thought so damn highly of them before._

 _In fact, the only problem with her is that she is too perfect. Quinn is bad in a way that entices, and good in a way that comforts. She is complicated but then she is the warmth of home. The dreams of the wild and dangerous but the memories of childhood and gladness. She is perfection._

 _"I'm still not going anywhere." With her words and after a while, Quinn's head lifted from her chest. Apparently, she was still in a deep conflict with her thoughts. "I told you I wanted to be with you, didn't I? And if I recall well, you said the same thing."_

 _"I know."_

 _"Then what's the problem? I'm not going to run away. If anything, I'm going to run towards you. With you." Santana said with a_ _convincing smile._

 _Quinn stared at her the way people stare at a rainbow, taking in all in, not wanting to look away in case it might disappear. She has a shy smile and eyes that seem to see her essence as they explore Santana's soul, imploring her spirit to enter her. Her eyes were piercing Santana's brown eyes, and she could swear at this moment that Quinn finally sensed the real her. The one without the attitude, without the facade, the one that just had love to give her._

 _"You're so different." Quinn murmured against her lips before kissing them. "And... special."_

 _"Different?" Santana asked, enjoying Quinn's sincerity a little too much._ _Her hand kept drawing lazy circles under Quinn's shirt that falls just above her knees. It was actually her shirt that she lent Quinn to sleep more comfortable last night, but Santana was sure that she didn't looked as half as sexy on it._

 _"Well, for starters, I smile more and I laugh more. I don't have to pretend that everything is okay when it's not. I can drop the false smile and put on a real one. I don't feel empty and alone, I feel safe and loved. You're easy to talk to and you always listen to me. I don't have to worry about holding back with you. The truth is that, your smile alone with those adorable dimples can make my day. That's why you're different. You're different because you're special." Quinn's own smile was something more beautiful than the stars. Santana made a mental note about telling her that every single day of their lives._

 _Now_ _,_ _how could she explain the way her stomach knotted up every time she sees Quinn? How did she explain that there is nothing on earth she wouldn't do for her? No mountain she wouldn't hike. No river she wouldn't wade_ _through_ _. No door she wouldn't open for her. How can she began to explain her love for Quinn if she still hadn't find the words herself?_

 _"What about Michael?" Santana suddenly questioned, causing a small but amused grin on the other girl's lips._

 _It almost scared_ _her_ _how she could easily lay here and stare at Quinn forever._

 _"I don't care about him. What about other girls?"_

 _"I don't care about them."_

 _Quinn stared deeply into Santana's eyes searching for something. Permission maybe? But permission for what? "Is this some sort of agreement then?" She asked._

 _"Agreement?"_

 _"Well you know, an agreement where you agree to not sleep with anyone and not kiss anyone but me? Because I really wouldn't bear the idea of kissing you if you'll kiss someone else the next day."_

 _Quinn shouldn't be this jealous, this upset over something that hasn't even happened yet. But Santana truly didn't care. In fact, she didn't know why that flash of fire coming out of Quinn's eyes was kind of hot. And honestly, just the thought of Michael or anyone else touching Quinn make her sick of her stomach. So they were even._

 _"As long as you can promise the same_ _thing_ _, then you sure as hell could call this an agreement." Santana smirked with excitement. Ostensibly, she was finally reaching a common point with Quinn about their complicated relationship and she couldn't be more happy._

 _They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. And Santana had finally the three of them._

 _"I promise the exact same." Quinn whispered, brushing the words across her lips before peck them properly. And Santana just wanted Quinn to kiss her everywhere. She smiled sweetly and hopeful but Santana wanted more. She wanted to hug her and kiss her to seal the deal._

 _So she did both._

 _Santana leaned down to kiss Quinn while she squirmed beneath her body. As soon as their lips touched, she opened her mouth and let Santana take full possession of her, demanding the same in return._

 _Santana's hands molded her body, stroking it, bringing it to a feverish heat while Quinn's fingers were already tangled in her hair._

 _Then,_ _as the kiss started to heat up,_ _Quinn daringly eased her hand down Santana's belly to her bulging shaft and cupped her through her pj pants._

 _Santana let out her breath in a long, uneven hiss against Quinn's mouth. She saw stars, and she knew that it was impossible because the sun was just coming out from behind the mountains._

 _Quinn's thumb rubbed the tip over her clothes spreading a drop of arousal. Santana really wanted to open her mouth and tell Quinn that she needed to stop because their conversation wasn't over yet, but then Quinn gave her a kiss so_ _deep_ _that she couldn't think straight anymore. Her mouth touched her intimately. And as she kept stroking Santana's throbbing shaft with her hand, Quinn opened her legs to straddle her._

 _Any possibility of_ _stopping_ _this was long forgotten with Quinn's talented hand working on her, she was already so hard. It was too much. Quinn was too good at this even though according to her last night, and after minutes of trying to convince her that Rachel was just her friend, she told Santana that she hadn't had sex with Michael. So this must be technically, her second time._

 _Santana's tongue explored her sweet taste, lips locked together. Then she rolled them over and brought Quinn beneath her, making her moan, lifting her hips, seeking relief while her heart kept beating faster and faster._

 _They made love, they made love again and again and again until Santana put Quinn into a deep sleep, feeling the world and universe in her hands._

 _It was a million of tiny things that_ _… when Santana finally put them together. She knew that in that moment they were supposed to be. She knew it, because the reason as to why it hurt so much before_ _they had_ _finally_ _reached_ _this point was because their souls were connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe they've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them they've found each other. They were meant to be._

 _What Santana didn't know was that each time, they've been forced apart for the same reason._


	8. Chapter 8

It was kind of funny and bothersome that once again, her conversation with Quinn was interrupted. And this time by none other than her friends who just love to over exaggerate.

It was nice, she couldn't lie about that; seeing Kurt again after so long made her feel even more happy, if that was possible. But honestly, now that Quinn has just dropped a bomb on her, all she could think of is Beth.

If someone had asked her years ago whether she wanted a boy or a girl, Santana would have told them that it didn't matter, that all she cared about was having healthy kids. But secretly? She wanted a girl—at least three, and two boys. A big family, that would make her really happy. And so, when she pictured motherhood, Santana always pictured herself as the mommy of three pretty little girls and a couple of boys.

It was unbelievable. She still couldn't believe that almost two years ago a little girl was growing beneath Quinn's heart and she had no idea.

She had a daughter, and it didn't matter what she were yearning for years ago because the kid she just received, Beth, suddenly became the ideal.

It had only just been an hour since she knew the truth and Santana has already fallen very much in love with Beth.

"I'm already organizing your welcome party like it or not. Half of your coworkers and some of our high school friends are invited." Kurt said happily.

But it didn't matter what he was saying, because all her attention was on Rachel and in the strange way she was looking at her daughter.

"Can you stop staring at her like that for a damn second? You're freaking her out." Santana huffed a little. Beth's small body was still in her arms, oblivious to everything.

"I'm sorry, sorry. I just... I can't believe it." Rachel muttered.

So yes, maybe it wasn't a good idea telling her friends right away about the news. But she just couldn't help herself. Santana was so happy and proud of the beautiful little girl that was in her arms. It was unreal. The first thing Kurt asked was to hold Beth in his arms, but Santana just let him do it for thirty seconds because now she just wanted Beth all for herself.

"This is so sweet and romantic, like a movie." Kurt beamed happy. "You go away for a long time and then you come back home when everyone thought you wouldn't. And then Quinn tells you that you have a daughter!"

Quinn giggled and it was the sweetest thing Santana had heard since their friends arrived.

She looked to the side and saw Quinn rubbing Beth's hair. The sight alone warmed her heart in a way that melted her.

Santana was so thrilled and excited after so long. She was genuinely pleased and very grateful, and she really needed to thank Quinn later for making her feel like that. She needed to thank her for having such a beautiful baby with her. She needed to thank her for having _her_ baby. Their baby.

Though, she wanted to say so many other things as well.

She wanted to say how when she looked at her the whole World stops. It stops and all that exists for her is Quinn and her eyes staring at her. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops and it is a beautiful place and there is only Quinn, Quinn and hazel eyes. Just Quinn, and Santana's eyes staring at her.

The big problem now was, could she even think of Quinn like that? Because in some painful and fucked up way, she lost Quinn. She lost her and now she lights up the night for someone else. Someone else is recognizing her as the moon, just like Santana used to. And without even knowing him, without knowing this new man, Santana already envy him. Because Quinn could have been _her_ moon, she could still be her moon. But she wasn't anymore.

Quinn met Santana's gaze in silence and smiled with a cute confused frown, then she reached out and placed her hand over Santana's hand that was still around Beth's back. And to her surprise, there wasn't a ring on Quinn's finger. Just like in her dream.

No further words were necessary. But Santana stared at her for ten seconds more, which, when eating a chocolate cake isn't much, but when staring, is.

"So," Rachel suddenly broke the moment with her voice. "This happened just a few days before Santana had to go away with the army?" Her tone was dry and cold, and her eyes were showing something deeper.

Santana knew Rachel, and she didn't like one bit to where this was going.

She turned her head to answer her dumb question but then Kurt beat her on it.

"Come on Rachel, it's simple math." He snorted.

"What I mean is," Rachel ignored him and looked at Quinn not even trying to hide her annoyance. "Why you didn't tell her before? I think this is a really important thing to share with your girlfriend, don't you think?" The question was throwing without any subtleness.

Who the hell she thinks she is?

"She only owes _me_ explanations, Rachel. Okay?" Santana said firmly. Because she was right, if anyone needs to hear Quinn's story about what happened then that's Santana.

Though honestly, we have as human beings, a storytelling problem. We're a bit too quick to come up with explanations for things we don't really have an explanation for.

Santana felt Quinn grabbing her hand and squeezed it affectionately, and it was funny how she calmed down almost immediately. Quinn moved closer to her and silently thanked her, keeping her hand over Santana's. It was such an innocent and stupid gesture, but it felt like the most amazing thing in the world.

"I'm just saying, that maybe the baby isn't even yours."

"Rachel!" Kurt said incredulously before everyone had a chance to answer. The room suddenly got quiet again.

There was an electric anger in Rachel's gaze, and a sort of challenge that made Santana want to hit her with something heavy. Like a pickup truck.

Santana lost her temper over how she was treating Quinn, and Quinn didn't say anything but she tightened the hold on Santana's hand.

She felt sad, angry and hurt. Her closest friend was doubting a thing like this... There was an agelessness about Rachel, a stillness; on Rachel's face rage and joy looked much the same.

Santana really wanted to cut her acid tongue right fucking now.

"How can you think I would lie with something like that?" Quinn's voice was low, almost ashamed. But she didn't show any sign of emotions, she remained quiet.

Quinn is the kind of girl that could be pushed off a cliff and she would hit the ground apologizing for standing so close to the edge. She is the kind of girl that could be hurt inside, and still would smile at you. It was her sweetness, innocence and good intentions that made Santana fall in love with her. So her calm way to reply at Rachel's so stupid comment was no surprise for Santana.

"It might be a possibility." Rachel shrugged without taking her eyes off Quinn.

It was like seeing a battle between their eyes. Like love against the enemy, like ice against fire.

You don't know whether a woman is friend, enemy or lover until it is too late. Sometimes, she is all three. Sometimes is none.

She will never get Rachel in the end.

Santana clenched her jaw.

"Rachel, I think you're exceeding the line." Kurt interfered worried.

"I'm not exceeding any line here. I'm just saying what I think. Besides why she didn't-"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Santana finally interrupted, upset.

She couldn't recognize her friend. She felt as if she was talking to a complete stranger and it removed something deep in her heart. There was just something sad about the situation. After all the time the four of them had spent together, after all those moments? Dear God, how could Rachel possibly think Quinn would lie with something like that? It wasn't like they didn't know her at all. Santana couldn't quite understand.

"Please Santana don't lie and tell me you don't have any doubts about this." Rachel tried again. And that was more than enough.

"Are you fucking serious now? What makes you think I have any doubts about this? And even if I do, it's none of your damn business. And you know what? I had enough of you today, you need to leave. Sorry Kurt but you too." Santana demanded, trying to control her increasing rage. "I still have a lot to talk to Quinn. You guys arrived at a bad time."

Both her friends remained silent.

Kurt, being the most comprehensive, took a deep breath and nodded while Rachel seemed taken aback. But Santana didn't give a fuck about her delicate sensibility, she asked for it after all.

She looked at Quinn from the mid-corner of the right side of her eye, and she was just looking at Beth. Quinn's aspect was sweetly calm and serene. And she managed once again to make Santana calm down a little bit.

"You're joking, right?" Rachel asked incredulously, raising her brows dramatically.

Santana just had to roll her eyes.

"No I'm not. You know where the door is already, get the hell out of here."

It was maybe, the first time she had talked to Rachel like that. And it didn't make her feel good at all. But Beth was there, Quinn was there and Rachel was doubting about her motherhood in front of them with a cruel honesty. It was unfair to them.

With teary eyes, Rachel abruptly stood up and headed toward the door. Kurt apologized —for something that he didn't even do— and promised that he would call later.

Once she heard the loud sound of the door being closed, with a sigh as heavy as lead, Santana closed her eyes for a few seconds and let the uncomfortable moment go.

"I'm really sorry about that." She apologized, feeling the need to.

"It's okay." Quinn squeezed her hand and then she pulled away. Santana missed her touch for a moment. But then Quinn's warm fingers made contact with her cheek pulling a strait of hair behind her ear. Her skin was aware of every touch, yet, she felt immobile at the sweetness and familiar of the act. "As long as you don't think the same, then it's okay." Quinn finished with a smile.

But despite her smile, the moment felt monumental, and it should not be as serious as it seemed to be because it was crystal clear. The question was now whether Santana believe in her or not, and that could only be answer with an honest, _Of course I don't think the same!_

But Santana just met her gaze and shook her head. Then Beth laughed at something she was doing with her doll, and made them break eye-contact to watch her.

Santana thought, that no one should be this happy so early. But for her, it was completely acceptable. She kissed Bella's head again, inhaling her baby scent; it was like honey-sweet mixing with something more that smelled a lot like Quinn. Flowers, cleanliness, vanilla and just, love.

"You know, all this time I thought you would still be in contact with Rachel and Kurt. But I guess, no?"

"No," Quinn quickly answered. "You know I never liked Rachel that much." Quinn rolled her eyes and it made Santana smile with fondness. It was like going back years ago when the same thing would have happened.

"And Kurt?"

Quinn shook her head, biting her lip. "I think I met up with him once or twice when you left. But then I just kind of... lost myself." She replied with bated breath.

Santana could see the sadness in her lovely eyes. They were full of language. They were the same color as the sand in a postcard someone sends you when they love you, but not enough to stay. They were filled with anguished, like she'd just witnessed a death or something along the lines.

"Can you tell me now what happened?"

"Well," Quinn said nervous, tilting her head a bit to make a little more of space between them. "That is somewhat difficult to explain."

"Then you should start for the beginning." Santana offered gently, with a small shrug of her shoulder.

Quinn shifted uncomfortably on the couch. Her hands were buried between her lap the way she always did when she was on edge, but she was quite calm, too. She was looking into Santana's eyes with the way she had of looking that made you wonder whether she really saw out of her own eyes. They would look on and on after every one else's eyes in the world would have stopped looking.

Quinn looked as though there were nothing on earth she would not look at like that, but really, she was afraid of _so_ many things. And no one knew that better than Santana.

"When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; _I_ didn't lose you all at once. I lost you in pieces, San— The way your sweet text messages stopped coming, the way your scent faded from the pillows and even from the clothes in our closet and drawers..." Quinn said haltingly, then she smiled sadly looking down at her hands. "I don't know why I'm explaining this to you. You must know, you lost your mom."

Time was passing like a hand waving from a train Santana wanted to be on. With each word, each sentence caused a different ache in Santana's chest because the worst wounds, the deadliest of them, aren't the ones people see on the outside.

She watched Quinn with upmost patience; looking at the side of her face and her timid posture as if those were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world while Beth, just kept playing, moving on her lap from time to time.

Santana reached out and grabbed Quinn's hand in hers. Untangling them from the security of her thighs as a signal for her to continue.

Her eyes met Santana's, and what she saw for the first time since she came back, was misery. Quinn was a girl —now a woman who was trying to cope with something horrible that she should never have had to live through at all. And that is not just talking about what happened in the last two years, but her whole life.

"Even after finding out what happened over the news," Quinn went on after lowering her head once again. "And then even after hearing your commander confirmation about the tragedy. I waited for you. I waited for you for months, but you never came back. And I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, I really thought I could imagine it, but I was wrong." Quinn took a deep breath before closing her eyes while every word settled into Santana's head like a sharp needle.

She wasn't the only one having a bad time outside, apparently.

"I found myself some mornings reaching for the phone to call you because... I used to forget for a second what happened. Then there were nights I cried so hard that all my body ached and I had to put my head under my pillow so no one could hear me. There were other nights where I felt nothing at all, completely empty. There were nights where I really felt like I was dead, too. But there wasn't a single night of these past two years that you didn't cross my mind Santana. And you need to know that before telling you what happened."

Santana just stare at her, feeling utterly empty. She didn't know what she was supposed to say to her.

She nodded, and then Quinn continued.

"Beth was the gift you left me and so I needed to pull my shit together for her. Even if it was next to impossible I needed to try and move on to be a good mom. But... I never moved on. I knew since the first day that I would never fully get over you, I knew that I would always miss you; I knew that I would always love the color of your eyes, and maybe in the future... I knew that I would have search for someone with the same contagious laugh as you. I told myself that I was going to be okay, I needed to be for Beth."

"Quinn," Santana called her name, still not quite sure what she was supposed to say in that moment.

All her bad memories of years ago when she used to see Quinn sad came back rushing towards her. Santana knew that she could tell with just one glance, one look, how much she cared. It was her eyes that always betray her. And the fact that Quinn wasn't even looking at her, despite the fact that she was with her head down, she was absolutely sure that she still could notice it.

Talking won't change anything. But sometimes it was what Quinn wanted most, because she remember, that it was the only way she could escape those horrid feelings, to escape herself, so there was no pain, no fear. And in that moment, Santana really wanted to listen.

"You know my awful family story, right?" Santana nodded silently. "One day my mom called, my uncle finally managed to sell my dad's house and so they needed to leave the place. They found a small apartment in Las Vegas." Quinn trailed off before regarding Santana. "I stayed here, in your apartment for six more months— but then it was just too much, and I couldn't bare the idea of you not being here anymore. I just kept picturing myself running towards your arms and crashing against your chest, and I knew that it no longer could happen. So, I handed my keys and your keys of this apartment to Rachel. And I left. I left and I went to Las Vegas to stay there with my sister and mom. I thought that maybe their company could help me go through the unbearable pain and-"

"And that's when you met him." Santana pursed her lips.

Her words surprised Quinn, but she still nodded.

The deep sorrow in Santana's heart quickly turned into rage. Rage, jealousy; she felt victim and victimizer of this horrible situation that was surely transforming into a mass of hostility.

Santana unconsciously pulled away her hand from Quinn, and settled it against Beth's back again.

The silence wasn't so bad, till she looked at Quinn's lonely hand, and she felt miserable. Because the spaces between her cute and small fingers were right there, and she knew that her hand fit perfectly. But now this man... this unknown and lucky man, he was the one filling that precious space.

"He was my mom's neighbor. When I was moving in there, he was just arriving for work, and he helped me carry on my things to the fifth floor. The first thing I noticed on him, honestly, was his personality and how much he reminded me of you. His cockiness, charm, confident; those were a few of _your_ qualities. And he had them too." Quinn said with a smile, and Santana felt like throwing up.

She felt jealous, too.

Not jealous of what she could see, but of what she imagined.

And it was enough to disturb her mind.

Quinn's soft hand grabbed hers once more, squeezing her fingers. And the familiar, sweet and gentle contact made thousands of butterflies fly all over her stomach. Quinn's touch was like an electric shock.

"It's not what you're thinking. Puck knew about me and you since the first moment because my belly was already showing."

"Then when you got married?" The question bit the tip of her tongue.

Santana didn't want to know anything though, she didn't want to know when Quinn gave herself to another man or when she stopped thinking about her. Yet, she wanted to know everything, every single detail about her life and about Beth's life since she left and beyond.

Santana was torn between the immense love she felt for Quinn and disappointment, between present and past and between sadness and joy.

"It was a series of events that helped me believe that I wouldn't find anyone else so much alike with you. He helped me to smile again, to not cry every single day because he said that all broken hearts in the world still beats, and so I believed him. He helped my family and Beth, he helped me to find a job there, he helped me with everything. Puck was like a God sent and I was alone with all the mess that was my life. He was like a prince charming."

"Goddammit! What a man, why aren't you making out with him or something?" Santana retorted upset, pulling her hand out of Quinn's reach yet again.

She took offense in what Quinn said when no offense was intended.

Santana's jealousy was a living thing, throbbing in the air. Shifting, changing, growing. Just like her rage in that moment. It looked as if a night of dark intent was coming, and not only a night, an age.

She looked down at Beth to calm her down, and luckily it worked. She stared at her, at her small hands that were now playing with two ponies; and her breathing calmed.

"But the big problem was," Quinn's voice was tense yet warm. And Santana didn't know when she exactly approached either. She could feel Quinn hesitant for a moment but then she stubbornly, reached for her hand once again. Capturing it with hers. Santana felt strong, woozy and stupid, all at once, and she allowed herself at least for a little while, to be those things. Her body was weak and all her being melted with the tender caresses of Quinn's fingers against her wrist. "The big problem was that he wasn't you, and no one will ever be." Quinn smiled, the shape of her smile curved like she was either telling a lie or a well-planned truth, like a boomerang she knows she has to catch quickly when it comes back to her.

It only takes a split second to do that and then forget, yet to someone that needed that smile like Santana, it can last a lifetime.

"And I felt it every day after saying yes when he asked me out. I felt it when he kissed me, I felt it every time when he hold my hand, I felt it in the way my body reacted to his touch. I felt it in everything. Every single part of me was screaming against him, for you. My heart was breaking inside of me even more, because he wasn't what I wanted. But sometimes you just break your heart in the right way, right?" Quinn asked with a smile more sad than happy.

Maybe after all, it is sometimes easier to be happy if you don't know everything.

"Then after that, things just happened too quickly to even notice the changes. He asked me to be his girlfriend, then he asked me to move in with him to New York the next year, and then we just got married. But we didn't get married with me wearing a beautiful and expansive white dress in a big and gorgeous church; one night we went out, got drunk— I was wasted, honestly. And we were in Las Vegas so it just... happened."

Quinn's words were as shocking as anything Santana has ever heard before, they overshadow the true purpose of the day, which was, of course, to introduce Beth to her.

Her hand was warm, so warm that overwhelmed Santana.

It was so easy to be wise in the explanation of an experience one has not personally witnessed. Santana judged Quinn last night, and maybe she's still judging her now. But it was a fact that she wasn't the only one suffering the past few years.

She watched how Quinn's fingers caressed their way up her arm until they reached her cheek, stroking her cheeks gently. Quinn looked at her with unfathomable delight.

She knew right there, that she will love Quinn always. Even when her beautiful blonde hair is white, she will still love her. When the smooth softness of youth is replaced by the delicate softness of age, she will still want to touch Quinn's skin. When her perfect face is full of the lines of every smile that Santana caused, of every surprise she have seen flash through her eyes, when every tear she have ever cried has left its mark upon Quinn's face, she will still love her.

Even if she was married, she will still love her.

"I love you Santana, I never stopped loving you. I just kept my feelings to myself because you weren't there with me anymore."

She was fascinated with Quinn's words. Each one of them was like a magical powder or potion that could be combined with any other thing, other magical thing. And what was more important, her words were loaded with meaning.

"You sent me every night a text saying that." Santana stated, fighting the need to close her eyes with the soft contact of Quinn's fingers on her face.

Quinn blushed adorably. "I started send you messages every night since you left. I know it was stupid but, I just felt the need to say it."

It wasn't stupid, not even in the slightest when Santana did the same talking with the stars; sending Quinn the same exact message.

Quinn gazed into her eyes. In her gorgeous hazel eyes, Santana saw honesty and a kindness that is so often missed in the desperation of everyday life to acquire material possessions. Everything ceases to matter but that brief glimpse of eternity. It's like Santana is afraid of the perfection beside her, of the perfection lying on her lap. Of the perfection of this moment. She's afraid because all things that begin must end, at some point.

"You're still living with him, though. Aren't you?" Santana asked weakly, and Quinn nodded averting her eyes from her. The hand that remained on her face for long seconds was gone and a cold snap hit her face.

She was still living with him.

It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it.

The silent, but affirmative answer that Quinn gave her made Santana feel disappointed.

Beth on her part got bored with her toys and looked at Quinn, trying to reach her. It kind of hurt Santana that the baby still wasn't used to her but she knew that she needed time for that.

Quinn looked like she wanted to say something, but no words came out of her mouth.

Then the doorbell rang and Santana carefully handed Beth to Quinn, slightly confused as to who might be.

With her heart feeling a little lighter, but still heavy, she stood up and walked towards the door.

The episodes of that day and the night before were still running wild in her head. Certainly she wouldn't expect things to happen that quickly, but they did.

Maybe the problem was that they met each other when they were so young, before they knew enough about love and disappointment, and once they did; Santana found that Quinn reminded her to each one of those things. And that couldn't mean something good.

She looked back and saw Quinn re-adjusting Beth's clothes. Santana felt happy with just the sight of them, yet, there was an undercurrent of sadness just below the surface that wouldn't go away.

With a slight shake of her head to wipe out any bloody-minded thought, Santana opened the door, and she was meet with two tall men in suit.


	9. Chapter 9

_The sound of the TV was a really good_ _reminder_ _that they were in fact, watching TV. Quinn at least._

 _She should not be thinking about anything else but in the movie in front of them and in the uncomfortable wet weather. But the problem was that her mind was focused on only one thing._

 _She was currently in Quinn's apartment, sat on Quinn's couch, with Quinn between her legs._

 _You see, Santana wasn't some horn-dog that was driven for sex. She wasn't thinking all the time about being in between Quinn's legs but boy, she hadn't seen her in four long and dying days because they both have been busy with college and work and when Quinn informed her that she was finally free and that she would be alone because her roommate went to some internship or something like that, Santana didn't think about it twice, she didn't consider anything and literally ran to Quinn's apartment._

 _She was anxious, and even nervous and her body was already screaming for Quinn's touch. Her mind was already thinking in ways to get Quinn naked and have her in all her naked glory against her. In her mind everything was perfect. But they didn't devour each other's mouths and had lots and lots of sex like Santana was waiting. Instead_ — _and since it was a really cold day, Quinn sweetly suggested snuggling with her on the couch and see the new movie she brought._

 _Santana just nodded with an internal roll of her eyes._

 _And it was okay, really. Everything was okay until Quinn asked Santana to open her legs so she could fit between them_ _in order_ _to feel more comfortable, and of course Santana obeyed in a heartbeat._

 _The sharp scent of something sweet that was purely Quinn invaded her senses in no time._ _She didn't know if this was Quinn's fault for being so damn irresistible all the time or because Santana really wanted to get intimate in that moment._

 _Her thudding heart was audible in her own ears, she wondered if Quinn could actually hear it or feel it. Her entire body was aching in that moment. Santana was wishing with all her being that the stupid movie could reach the end soon so they could do what they do best; love each other. But knowing Quinn's taste in these type of things this movie probably would last forever. And she wasn't going to wait that long._

 _With a sigh, she carefully pulled away to make some space between them and that caught Quinn's attention._

 _She stared at Santana with slight annoyance for break the comfortableness._

 _"Sorry Q, but this position is not working for me." Santana apologized with an awkward smile._

 _"Why? I'm not too heavy or anything, right?"_

 _"No, obviously not. But I..._ _" She bit her lip nervously and ashamed._

 _It was a really normal thing to feel when you have a beautiful and sexy woman lying between your legs; but the problem was that Santana couldn't hide it._

 _After a_ _bumbling_ _silence Quinn looked down between them, watching Santana's not so subtle boner. She saw how Quinn's_ _pupils dilated a_ _nd then she glanced up at Santana with a mischievous smile, batting her eyes._

 _Quinn turned around her body completely and straddled her lap before slipping her hands inside Santana's hoodie._

 _"Well," Quinn said with a seductive voice. She twined her arms around the back of Santana's neck. "What if we just skip the movie so I can help you with that?"_

 _She held Santana's gaze, not waiting for answer before slowly starting to reach for the bottom of her sweater. She lifted it up over her shoulders, and Santana forgot how to breathe. The sweater slid off of Quinn in one long smooth motion and messed up her blonde hair, leaving it tousled and sexy-looking. Her hazel eyes stared right through Santana, and she gulped again and tried very hard not to drool._

 _She could feel her member harden and swell at the image of Quinn in just her bra now, and with their current position on the couch she knew that Quinn could feel it too._

 _"I'd love to." Santana affirmed eagerly and Quinn giggled._

 _She pulled her head down slowly, so her lips met Santana's and brushed slightly against her own. Quinn's tongue darting out to stroke the corner of her mouth._ _With a groan and a fierceness that Santana didn't know she possessed, Quinn captured her lips in a bruising kiss, one hand holding the back of her head and the other grabbing Santana by the waist to pull her closer._

 _She returned Quinn's passion, surrendering herself completely. Santana lifted her into her arms and carried her into her bedroom in less than ten seconds._

 _When they both were laying on the bed, Santana left Quinn's mouth just long enough to remove all their clothes. Hazel eyes darkened with desire at the sight of Santana's naked form._ _Santana was already painfully hard, and it was kind of funny how Quinn still get surprised at the sheer size of her shaft._

 _She tenderly pulled Quinn up to her._ _Her_ _well-trained_ _hands caressed every inch of soft pale skin, teasingly. Quinn whimpered softly and Santana muffled the sound with kisses as her left hand touched Quinn's breasts, lightly stroking the erect nipple. Quinn shuddered and pulled back from the kiss for need of air. Waves of pleasure washed over her and Santana could feel it in the wetness between her legs that was making contact with her hard dick._

 _Santana's lips trailed down Quinn's neck, sending shivers up her own spine._ _She started to kiss her lower, and lower. And Quinn jumped at the lightening bolt of ecstasy that went through her when Santana's mouth finally closed around her breasts. Sucking, biting, teasing her with her tongue._

 _Santana had lost count of how many times they had done this already. It's been three months since that conversation in the privacy of her room and everything just keep_ _feeling incredibly better._ _Quinn even brought her to Las Vegas to meet her mom and sister one day, as a friend; but the intention is what should count right?_

 _They'd gone to the cinema multiple times, they'd gone to expensive restaurants and they even hold hands on the streets sometimes._ _She had learned a bunch of new things about Quinn, and everything made her fall further in love._

 _They were like girlfriends. Except of course they were not._

 _Her hand stroked Quinn's flat stomach and then moved lower. Caressing her hip and upper thigh, forming goose bumps on Quinn's skin as the tingling sensation raced over their bodies. She ran her hands down the length of Quinn's thigh to her knee, stroking the sensitive skin on the underside, lifting her leg as she went._

 _Santana's lips met hers again, and Quinn's fingernail sank into her upper arm when her hand lightly touched the very center of her passion._ _The softness and warm of Quinn just keeps taking her breath away._

 _Santana encountered her wet inner folds and stroked them softly, making Quinn whimpering with pleasure against her mouth._

 _She lifted her head and looked at Quinn, Santana_ _could see the lust in her eyes._ _She kissed her again passionately and Quinn's hands began to touch every part of her body as well._ _Her mouth moved to Quinn's neck again, breast, pausing briefly to kiss every inch of her. Then to her stomach, her hip, the soft skin just above her center. And then s_ _he brought her mouth to Quinn's most secret place, pleasuring her, and Quinn's fingers laced through her hair pressing her closer._

 _After a few minutes Santana felt Quinn_ _clench her inner walls against her tongue_ _, and this time she gasped at the intensity of the orgasm Santana just gave her._

 _All conscious thoughts splintering like shards of glass._

 _Quinn's hand tightened in her hair and her eyes were shut, her mouth slightly open with her cheeks slightly blushed. It was simply the most beautiful thing Santana had ever seen._

 _She rose up, covering Quinn's body with her own and kissing her. It made Santana insatiable with desire, and she couldn't wait anymore. She carefully grabbed her erection and slowly entered Quinn._

 _But she_ _paused, trying desperately to gain control of herself because she didn't want to bother Quinn if she wasn't ready yet for another round. So instead, Santana showered her face with kisses, fighting the overwhelming desire to thrust into her nonstop._

 _Santana started to rock her hips slightly; slowly, allowing Quinn time to relax again. And when she felt the tension finally leave her body Santana entered her completely with one steady thrust._

 _Quinn began grinding her hips against her, she wrapped her legs around Santana's waist_ _urging her deeper_ _._ _Santana thrust into her again and again, reveling in her heat. Surging, straining, meeting each thrust with one of her own. Quinn's fingernails raked down her back, leaving marks in her skin._

 _Santana was caught up in sensation after sensation._ _She then felt Quinn clasp around her in orgasm again, arching her back against Santana's chest. And with an indescribable pleasure she came as well._

 _She let Quinn come down from her high while she kept lazily pecking her lips. She kissed Quinn's mouth,_ _jawline and_ _neck as Santana's movements began to stop._

 _She felt happy, pleased, blissful, content, lucky. It was a burst of emotions trying to explode inside her. Santana was the happiest woman in the world right there. Perhaps other people have said so before but no one with such justice._

 _She kept kissing the soft and inviting skin of Quinn and then Santana finally pulled her now soft shaft out of her making her sigh heavily._

 _Her head landed on Quinn's chest momentary._

 _"I missed you so much." Quinn said softly, rubbing her hair with one hand. "I think I'll just buy your perfume and use it everytime I'm not close to you."_

 _Their breathing gradually slowed and Santana smiled, lifting her head to look at the girl beneath her._ _Lazy eyes were barely open, her smile remained in her lips and her eyebrows were arched in a playful way._

 _Santana gave her one long, loving look before say the same._

 _"I missed you too babe," She confessed, glancing down at Quinn's mouth with dancing eyes before kissing her. She could feel Quinn's smile against her lips while she kept running her hand through Santana's hair. She knew well how much Quinn liked that lame nickname, so if every time the blonde of her dreams would smile like that just by hearing it then Santana will make sure of say it in every sentence. "I missed you a lot actually." She added as she hugged Quinn tight against her nakedness, clinging to her beautiful figure._

 _It was like those days when Quinn was like life and all that she touched turned into spring._

 _Wasn't she the most gorgeous and unusual thing ever? Every moment next to her was like a continuous rebirth to Santana. She was so in love with her that sometimes not saying just how much, hurt her a little bit._

 _Which brought her to the same subject once again, and just the thought of him finished with her happiness._

 _She wasn't exactly unhappy either, but Santana knew that there had to be something inside Quinn that could answer her and say what Santana wanted. So even when the moment was something splendid, she needed to ask._

 _Again..._

 _"What is it?" Quinn dropped the smile when she sensed that something was going on inside Santana's head._

 _"The same as always Quinn, when are you going to break up with Michael?"_

 _Quinn's arms around her back loosened for a moment._

 _"I told you already, it's complicated."_

 _Santana chuckled humorless. "Yeah, that's what you say every fucking week."_

 _"Please let's not talk about this right after having sex?" Quinn gazed at her before sighing heavily. She leaned her head further down into the pillow and looked upset, as if she had every right to be._

 _"Then give me a straight answer for once because I'm fucking tired of you still being with him."_

 _"Santana," Quinn looked up at her brown eyes and Santana didn't like what she was seeing. It was the kind of look that makes you think about things that make your head hurt, that makes you touch people who bruise your soul just because they need to be touched. That makes you say things you don't really mean. "You know I will end things with him, just give me some time okay? I don't want to hurt him. He's not ready to lose me."_

 _Quinn's words hurt like a stab wound to the heart._

 _She won't break Michael's heart but she can break Santana's?_

 _Santana was not perfect and she knew that, but she was doing well with Quinn and only Quinn, no other girls just like they promised it. So why Quinn couldn't do it too?_

 _She didn't want to give herself entirely._

 _"Are you serious?"_

 _"Yes." Quinn shrugged,_ _as if they weren't talking about something important at all._

 _"I'm not going to be your damn mistress all the time, do you understand that?" Her tone was quiet, but it did nothing to soften her harsh words. There was urgency in Santana's voice. She spoke quietly but with deep sincerity; she saw how Quinn's features softened, but didn't say anything. "Just tell me that I won't have to see you again in secret Quinn, because I can't do this forever." Santana tried again._

 _It was hard being left behind; it was hard to be the one who stays. People like to say love is unconditional, but it's not, and even if it was unconditional, it's still never free. There's always an expectation attached. They always want something in return. Like they want you to be happy or whatever and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won't be happy unless you are; Santana just didn't want that responsibility. She just wanted Quinn all for herself and be the only person who could make her happy._

 _Is that selfish?_

 _"Look, Michael and I have history and I-" Quinn trailed off as she cast an anxious eye at Santana. She glanced up sharply, obviously stung by her own words._

 _The intimate position they were, the depth of the moment, of the conversation, made everything worse._

 _Santana didn't want to believe what she was hearing._

 _"You really care more about him than me, don't you?" Santana almost choked at the question that left her lips; it made the beating of her heart go faster._

 _And Quinn's silence says it all._

 _People are going to break promises, yeah, Santana knows that, and they will have every right to till the point you realize that you don't change plans based on someone else's words. And Quinn certainly didn't want to keep her word, her promise._

 _Was she ashamed of Santana?_

 _Without further discussion, Santana stood up from the warm bed and started to get dressed. Her heart more heavy than ever, more broken than ever._

 _"What are you doing?" Quinn's voice cracked like the hinges of a rusty iron. "Santana stop dressing yourself and just get back to bed. Don't be ridiculous."_

 _Ridiculous_ _?_

 _She looked at Quinn then, but her image blurred. She must leave. Santana must leave this room, because she wanted to hit something, someone, everything, she wanted to destroy the whole world. And she had sworn she never would shown any sign of violence in front of Quinn._

 _What was it about her that made Santana feel so ridiculously sad all the time lately?_

 _"I won't stay." She said firmly once she was dressed. "Call me when you know what you want."_

 _She stared into hazel eyes a moment too long, and suddenly she felt dizzy. The fact that Quinn didn't even objected to what she said made her finally turn around and walk away from there._

 _She didn't have to say anything anyway. It was an statement, not a question._

 _This definitely was not how she planned the day to go._

* * *

 _The same day at night, there was a big party to all the campus. A party offered for the NYU to most of the student. And Santana should have known better than to go there._

 _The music was good and loud. The club was huge and people of all age were already dancing, kissing and promising in each other's ears impossible things._

 _Santana was right, capitalized happiness does not exist, but if there were a type of happiness with lowercase; then it would be our brief pre-loneliness. Happiness comes before loneliness, fullness comes before loneliness, love comes before loneliness. Everything comes before loneliness._

 _There are feelings of silence inside her, a border of unspoken words in her mouth and Quinn's mouth; and something sad in their eyes._

 _She wanted to be the friend Quinn fall hopelessly in love with. The one Quinn take into her arms and into her bed and into the private world she keep trapped in her head. The one who will memorize the things Quinn say as well as the shape of her lips when she say them. Because she already knew every curve, every freckle, every shiver of Quinn's body._ _And yes, she do wants to be her friend too, she wants to be Quinn's best friend in the entire world, but she also wanted to be her girlfriend._

 _However, Santana tried and Quinn didn't want to give her what she was asking for so for that night at least, she will focus on only have fun._ _Just like she used to before meet Quinn._

 _The low lights, the music, the hot chicks dancing in the middle of the club was enough to distract herself for a while._

 _She needed the distraction._ _And she needed a drink too._

 _The moment she walked in she saw her group of friends talking near the bar, and Santana walked there straight away._

 _"You made it!" Bruce said happy once he saw her walking towards them._

 _"I told you I was going to be here. Didn't I?" Santana replied with cockiness._

 _But truth was, she wasn't going to attend this stupid party, her plans for this night actually were just snuggle close to Quinn on bed or on her couch and watch tons of bad sappy movies while they both kissed each other. It was cheesy but that sounded more good than anything else in the world to Santana._

 _However, it is what it is._

 _"Finally, I thought you were going to ditch us again." Lauren said before give her a quick hug._

 _Santana acknowledge the rest of her friends; Jay, Paul and Ali before ask in the bar for her own drink._

 _"What's been going on with your life lately stranger? we barely see you now." Ali asked._

 _Santana started to tell her friend what she'd been doing, but she lied, at least a little bit; avoiding Quinn's topic because the truth was that she was the one who consumed the majority of Santana's time_ _recently_ _. But no one could know._

 _It was exhausting and irritating that Santana had to lie so much lately because of Quinn. Not even her closest friends Rachel and Kurt knew about them, no one could because Quinn still had a boyfriend. A dumb and annoyingly undeniable handsome boyfriend that Santana hated with all her heart._

 _However, Kurt was kinda perspective so he suspected something and had asked Santana a lot of times what's the deal between her and Quinn; but Quinn selfishly already made Santana promise that she would keep the secret until she were single._

 _The tragic problem was that it had been weeks, months, and so far Quinn had no intention to end things with Michael yet._

 _"Well that's boring." Ali joked after all the lies Santana just told her._

 _"Whatever."_

 _"Wanna dance?" Her friend asked, but she didn't wait for an answer and just took Santana's hand in hers._

 _Santana hated to admit it, but the truth was that somehow Ali developed a little crush on her. And she knew that there was something really wrong about it because Ali was like a little sister to Santana, a really sexy little sister._

 _But a dance is just a dance, right? So she still accepted the offer and started dancing with her friend._

 _However, her mind began to wander almost right away._

 _She couldn't help but feel betrayed by Quinn, one way or another. Santana couldn't help but wonder how she could so easily dismiss this situation, as if they were nothing._

 _Then Santana closed her eyes for brief seconds, shaking her head, because her thoughts and the strong desire of being with Quinn was getting the best of her._

 _She even thought that she saw her with her boyfriend at the bar._

 _Would it even matter if Quinn were there anyway?_

 _"What are you looking at?" Ali whispered in her ear; her hot breath set Santana's body on fire. And that couldn't mean anything good._

 _With the lack of response, her friend chuckled softly and whispered in her ear once more but this time Ali said that she would be happy to try anything Santana wanted to suggest that night._

 _As always, that was the sign._

 _Santana pulled slightly away and apologized with Ali, simply saying that she needed some air._

 _She really needed to go before do something wrong._

 _As she walked away, her legs responded weakly. Santana didn't know if it was for dancing or because alcohol was already making its way through her system. Which wouldn't be bad at all because that's why she came here in the first place._

 _She was just feeling so fucking sad and a bit lonely, longing for the comfort of being near Quinn._

 _Then suddenly, someone grabbed her hand from behind; she spun around expecting to see Ali but instead, she found herself face to face with Quinn._

 _Santana stared at her intensely, surprised. From head to toe._

 _Was she trying to give everyone here a heart attack or a boner?_

 _Quinn was dressing in a black tight dress a little too short for Santana's taste, showing a little too much cleavage and legs leaving little to the imagination._

 _Is she dressing like that for Michael?_

 _Quinn was smiling happily again, as if the argument between them earlier never happened and existed now only on Santana's head._

 _What to do with a woman so damn unpredictable?_

 _"Hey," She reached out to Santana and stroked her cheek._

 _Quinn's fingers were like velvet as she leaned her face into her hand. She breathed a sigh and her eyes drifted to Quinn's lips. Soft and luscious. Her own lips were aching to take the kiss, to kiss Quinn again._

 _And so she leaned in to do just that, but then Quinn placed two fingers on her lips to stop her._

 _Subsequently,_ _what she shouldn't have seen, happened._

 _Michael came up behind Quinn kissing her lips while his hand made direct contact with Quinn's butt. Santana's heart stopped so abruptly in her chest that it took her breath away._

 _She felt how her body started to move without her permission._

 _Blame it on the alcohol._

 _Her expression was designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a reaction, she reacted._

 _Rage was sometimes an useful ally in the heat of a fight. It made everything seem possible. And Santana's body was full of rage. Every sinew. It was easy to read. You speak volumes with a clenched fist. And she used it._

 _Images of Quinn and him; kissing, hugging, laughing. Quinn laughing at her internally. Was enough._

 _She grabbed Michael's expensive shirt and pulled him away from Quinn before breaking the empty beer on his head. He stumbled backward and then he fell._

 _Santana ignored Quinn's desperate voice calling her name and ignored everything around her. The music, the people, the surprised gasps, the guards near her. All she could see was Michael and his hands on Quinn and his lips on Quinn._

 _Despite the fact that the furious hit of the beer against his head left him almost unconscious. Santana started to hit him._

 _Michael's face was starting to mess with blood, but she wasn't done yet. Adrenaline was coursing hot and fast through her body with every punch._

 _She didn't know anymore if the blood on Michael's face was just his or hers as well._

 _Soft hands that Santana was sure belonged to Quinn tried to push her backward to stop the brutal beating but she wasn't done. She won't be until see him completely unconscious._

 _However, too soon three tall and fat guys were holding her back. Her friends were next to her looking astonished and Quinn was trying to see if Michael could open her swollen eyes._

 _She wasn't done yet, she had more to give, there were still a lot of parts on Michael's body that she needed to bruise; she wasn't done. But these people thought she was._

 _She felt then a hand take hold of hers and just like that she was out of the club._

* * *

 _Have you ever felt so empty you couldn't even cry anymore? Couldn't even breathe? So empty that you can't feel a thing? So frustrated and lonely that you don't know what to do with yourself?_

 _The size of the hole in Santana's heart was as big as the world._

 _Sad wasn't even a word, she was numb; oblivious to reality. And to that, now she had to add the fact that she had sex with Ali._

 _It was an act guided for rage and confusion. Santana didn't even know when they started kissing. The last thing she remembered well was when Ali took her hand and walked her out of the club; then she remembered seeing her healing the wounds on her hand and then it just happened, apparently._

 _It was fast, rough, meaningless and sex had never felt so dirty before. She understood then that numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it._

 _Right after recovering her consciousness Santana stood up from bed and took a long shower. When she got out, and despite the fact that it was already past midnight, she politely asked her friend if she could go because she really needed to be alone or at least, away from her._

 _To her luck Ali obeyed, and she was now dressing herself while Santana drank some water in the kitchen._

 _Being in love is horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life._

 _Quinn must have done something dumb one day, Santana wasn't sure what exactly; a kiss maybe or a smile, and then her life wasn't her own anymore._

 _Santana hates love._

 _She heard a noise on the other side of the main door and then the doorbell rang, distracting herself from her self-pity._

 _With heavy steps she walked towards there to open it, and out of all the crazy things in the world she didn't expect to see Quinn on the other side._

 _Her eyes were sad and slightly puffy, the eyes of someone who cried so much._ _And she was positively drunk._

 _The beautiful blonde didn't waste time, her lips moved impatient._

 _"I'm not mad. I should be but I'm not." Quinn said, looking like she was feeling stupid and ashamed of herself. "I just want to sleep close to you right now and forget about everything. Can we do that?"_

 _Santana stare at her puzzle because Quinn shouldn't be there. She shouldn't be there after what just happened._

 _"Hey Santana, I can't find my bra but you can give it to me other day, I don't mind." Ali said reappearing from Santana's room._

 _That was the exact second where the moment officially stopped being just painfully fucked up and turned into a whole new problem._

 _Santana saw how Quinn looked back and forth between her and Ali. She did not see her beautiful eyes. They were different, deeply weighted in_ _misery_ _with tears already streaming from them, filled with terror and despair. Quinn was the vivid image of a storm brewing._

 _And looking back into her eyes, Santana didn't know why people call it heartbreak, it felt like every other part of her body was breaking too._

* * *

"Santana Lopez, your sentence is over. Time to pack your things." An old officer told her before open the cell.

Santana stood up from the uncomfortable bed with the biggest smile some could have ever seen and started to do just that.

It turned out that hit an army commander direct on the face was a crime, and maybe she did know but didn't care. He deserved it anyway and it was just three weeks of being in prison. Without visit, without privileges.

It was something dumb but fair, worth it.

After the best day of her life that was exactly three weeks ago, when Quinn surprised her confessing that Beth was her daughter too; those two men who were at her door interrupting the wonderful moment quickly told Santana that she needed to pack some things because she was arrested and needed to be in jail for a few days.

Naturally three weeks, twenty one days might be nothing next to the two years she was away. But the big and significant difference was that she didn't know about Beth back then. And now that she knew, all that Santana wanted was kiss her, hug her and kiss her again. So the past few days were a torture.

Memories and emotions could be the greatest form of torture; but some nights are in fact, made for torture.

Or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness, because pain produces progress.

She thought about Beth, Quinn, her parents. Rachel, Kurt, her job, her new life. Everything. And she had come to some pretty good answers and questions.

The most creepy of all, was that maybe, and thinking about everything, Quinn's crazy theory about Rachel being into her it might or might not be true.

Santana wanted to punch Rachel and understand her at the same time. She wondered now that she knew that Quinn handed Rachel the keys of her apartment; what the hell was she doing there when she knew she was not coming? Did Rachel knew she was going to be back or it was just coincidence?

Seemingly, being in jail not only will make you admit some hidden truths, but also destroy some unhealthy lies. For example, how Santana didn't want to work on advertising anymore because it never made her happy. She wanted to work as a firefighter the rest of her life, or at least for the time being.

She needed to call a few high school friends and some of her classmates because she hadn't know anything about them since a lot time.

She needed to focus now only on Beth and her future.

And most important of all, she needed to talk to Quinn. Like really talk to her.

Santana didn't realized in those days with every inch of her being that she wanted Quinn, that she was in love with her. Her mind, heart and her perfectly rational thoughts knew that already. The thing was now how to be with her again. Santana just wanted to ask Quinn what were the possibilities of them being together, properly. What are the possibilities of being a real family. What are the possibilities of divorce Puck and move in with Beth to her apartment, or buy a new one.

Whatever she wants.

Her so important conversation with Quinn was interrupted and a lot of things were left unsaid. And this definitely wasn't going to happen now— the first thing Santana was going to do in her apartment was call Quinn and meet her in some place or right there to finally see those gorgeous eyes again and see Beth after three long weeks.

With that thought in mind, she eagerly hail a cab, grinning from ear to ear.

She was feeling almost as good as when she landed on New York a few weeks ago. But this time she knew that Quinn and her friends would be waiting for her. And she was strangely excited by the idea.

...

The sun was bright and warm and the birds were flying to the surface of the sky higher than they had gone before. The day in New York was beautiful and as she stormed out of the cab Santana instantly felt the heat in the air.

She wanted to shower, eat something unhealthy and then call Quinn right away.

She ran up the stairs, too anxious and restless to take the elevator. And once she was finally there, she quickly put the key in the lock door and opened it.

What was inside utterly surprised her.

There were at least, twenty people inside her apartment. Decorating, preparing drinks, talking. It seemed like a rainbow just throw up in her apartment because everyone was wearing such bright colors and the balloons, streamers and tablecloths were all in color too. It looked more like a clowns party.

This had Kurt's name all over.

She could spot most of them, ex-coworkers, high school and college friends and three or four girls she didn't know.

Then in the middle of the crowd she saw Kurt who just realized she was there. And he began to walk in her direction with defined steps immediately.

"Santana! You weren't supposed to be here yet!" He said happy but tired. Santana frowned and pursed her lips as she kept staring at the scene in front of her. Looking for just one person. "Hey everyone! Santana's here, this is not a surprise anymore." Kurt yelled and laughed slightly.

Santana saw in slow motion how every person there turned around and stare at her as if she were some sort of God; she didn't even have time to step inside when everyone was hugging her. One by one, and she had to hug them back. One by one too.

All the people she wanted to call some day to know what had been going on with their lives were there. Even people that she didn't want there was there as well. But with Kurt preparing this it wasn't weird at all.

She hugged Kurt, Liam, Jay, Ali, Bruce, two of her young neighbors and all her coworkers. Firefighters and her office's coworkers. She didn't understand why make this such a big thing, but well, Kurt already warned her and there was nothing she could do about it.

Once everyone had a hug, Santana saw from afar Rachel hesitating. She looked adorable in a light-green dress probably thinking whether was a good idea to hug her or not given their last encounter.

What happened with her did hurt Santana a little bit. But it was already forgotten. So with a small smile she opened her arms in invitation and Rachel finally walked towards her.

She hugged her friend tightly as Rachel did just the same.

"I missed you." Rachel said just for her ears to hear and all that Santana wanted to say was that she missed her, too. But instead she just kissed her forehead before let her go.

She was in a mission, and that mission had a beautiful name.

"Is Quinn here?" She asked hopefully, excited. Maybe a little too excited because something crossed Rachel's eyes but she didn't even noticed it.

"Kurt's been talking with her, not me." Rachel's voice was so soft and low that the gentle tone was almost inaudible. She gazed at him and Kurt nodded in confirmation, grinning.

"The last message says she'd be here in ten."

"Alright," Santana breathed brightly, clasping her hands together. "I'll take a quick shower and then I'm with you guys."

Without another word she made her way to her bedroom.

Her intention was have a mature conversation with Quinn today, but with all the people here it seemed like that won't happen any time soon. There's always tomorrow, though.

The important thing was that she would still see her and Beth in the next minutes, the rest can wait.

...

She felt like a teenager again. Trying to choose the right outfit, the right fragrance, the right makeup, the right way of make her hair. She was nineteen again, back in college trying to impress Quinn.

Santana saw her sitting on her couch, talking with her dork neighbor Thomas about who knows what. She looked absolutely stunning in a white dress and Santana was breathless for a second.

With a smile Santana motioned for her to come closer and Quinn obeyed quietly. She took Quinn's hands and pulled her up, pulling her out of that couch she had perched herself in.

Quinn looked a bit shy and unsure as her cheeks blushed faintly. She looked up into Santana's eyes and Santana almost lost her balance when Quinn smiled back at her, that gorgeous smile of hers that could make anyone melt. She felt her entire body fall away from her senses for a moment.

Santana hugged her; strong and fierce. She knew the feel of Quinn's arms around her so well, and this time wasn't different. She breathed in Quinn's essence and it was like fresh air after so many days.

But then she remembered.

"Where's Beth?"

"With my mom and sister at home." Quinn pulled away just enough to look at her in the eyes. Her voice was soft and harmonious. It gave Santana butterflies in her stomach just hearing that voice again. "She'll be here tomorrow."

"Well, what if we just go there and kidnap her?" Quinn giggled and Santana smiled.

Fully aware of her arms still around Quinn's small waist Santana stepped slightly back. But Quinn's arms remained on her shoulders.

"As much as I'd love to, we can't. They're in Las Vegas and that's not a short trip at all."

"What?! Las Vegas?"

Quinn grinned before take her hands off Santana and she almost missed the light pressure immediately. "Yeah, while you were in prison I went there to visit and solve some—" She trailed off before pursing her lips. "Legal things."

"Legal things?"

Quinn nodded, drooping her head down in a bow of silence. But then soft and deep, her voice was heard and with the words Santana had been dreaming to hear day and night. "I'm divorcing Puck. And I needed some papers."

Santana felt her heart nearly burst with the rush of feelings, all of them deep and strong like a swift river swirling inside her. She was happy, Santana couldn't remember the last time she felt so happy.

Excluding the news of Beth of course.

This was it.

"You say Beth will be here tomorrow?" She suddenly asked, knowing this is opening up a whole other subject and causing a deep frown on Quinn's face because maybe, Quinn waited another reaction.

She nodded anyhow. "They should be here tomorrow morning."

"Then don't make any plans for tomorrow morning or afternoon or night." Santana demanded softly. "Tomorrow is just for us."

She wasn't sure why, but she stroked Quinn's cheek gently, and then she decided to simply lean over and kiss her cheek.

Santana turned away from a smiling Quinn as she heard her name called from across the room. But then as soft as silk, as gentle as a whisper; she felt a hand grabbing her hand, then other hand grabbed her cheek, and the next thing she felt— the softest pressure of lips against her own.

Quinn's lips were slightly parted as they pushed into hers, warm and relaxing against her mouth. Santana saw stars everywhere and gasped at the sudden surprise. The gentle touch made shivers run down her spine. But as soon as it began it stopped.

She felt so alive that she could practically breathe love. Santana wanted to kiss Quinn again and again to prolong the sensation and ask her why the hell she stopped; but then a brief glance over her shoulder made her stop any attempt to do just that.

There was Rachel, she hadn't moved and it seemed as if she were breathing with more of an effort. Her eyes were red with anger and hurt and they were looking straight at her.

...It seemed like it was going to be a long night.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry for the wait and the mistakes here.**

 **Next chapter the party** **with unexpected surprises** **.**

 **Don't forget to leave a review! ;)**


	10. Chapter 10

_As time passes_ _, Santana have learnt that a woman with a broken past needs to be treated with patience. She needs time to breathe, to heal_ _and_ _to rediscover herself. Santana knew that a mistreated woman_ _would_ _reject love countless times before she finally gives in, because she lost sense of what it's like to be treated right. And then when the time is right, she will_ _love_ _you back; because the most beautiful thing about broken women is that the capacity of love they have to give is endless._

 _Although, no one says that Quinn comply the latest. Not right now at least. Santana_ _doesn't_ _have any clue as to why she keeps putting Quinn first, she_ _doesn't_ _know why she keeps making the beautiful blonde her priority when all that she is to her is an option._ _But she can't help it. It's like swimming upstream, like trying to fly with broken wings. She simply can't stop seeing Quinn like that, she can't act like she doesn't feel anything._

 _Some days Santana try to convince herself that this is nothing, but what a painful reality it is, because each and every night, Quinn is back running through her thoughts. She got under Santana's skin without meaning to and all of a sudden she's_ _now_ _the most important person in this crazy world to her._

 _Santana wants to forget about Quinn, she really do. But she also wants to get back with her._

 _Neither is happening._

 _Quinn ran away from her that night, five days ago. Her broken eyes told Santana that it was going to be next to impossible win her trust back. She really wanted to run after Quinn and explain everything but something told her that it was a really bad idea in that moment. She would try the next day nonetheless; and she did._

 _She tried to call Quinn, to go to her apartment, text messages, she even sent flowers. But Quinn never answered._

 _However, to her surprise, Quinn was the one who showed up at her door a few hours ago with two big bags and with some interesting news._

 _"My roommate will be in LA for the next six months," She said. "And I can't pay for our apartment on my own right now."_

 _And the fact that Michael will be in the hospital for at least two more weeks because of her, certainly wasn't helping with Quinn's situation._

 _Thereby, being the good friend that Santana is_ _she_ _quickly let her in. But now it had been four hours already and Quinn still hadn't say a word._

 _Being ignored once again by her was like_ _burying_ _a knife in a recent wound, but Santana knew that she asked for it. Though honestly, even if her heart was screaming to her to just apologize to Quinn, she wasn't sure if it was completely wrong what she did because for all that she knew, she was still single._

 _And Quinn still had a boyfriend._

 _However, what surprised her earlier was that Quinn walked straight towards her room putting her bags next to the bed. That must be a good sign, right?_

 _The smell of something delicious struck her. It was lunch time and Quinn was quietly preparing something in the kitchen. Her curious feet instinctively began to move in that direction._

 _It wasn't a secret that Quinn was a really good cooking, everything that she touched turned into something exquisite leaving Santana always asking for more._

 _Once she was there, Santana leaned against the door frame on the kitchen as she watched the sight, too hypnotized to speak._

 _She liked to watch Quinn in the kitchen, she liked the feeling she gets by watching her; and she liked to imagine Quinn stealing a glimpse of her with one of those charming smile._

 _Quinn was like the sun and sea, bright and imposing. And she was like the moon, too; there were parts of her bathed in light, parts of her that were covered in darkness and always a part of her that was hidden. Sometimes Quinn wasn't there at all. But every once in a while, when the timing was just right, she was the most stunning thing in the sky Santana had ever seen._

 _Was she even real at all?_

 _"Can you please stop staring at me?" Quinn voiced weakly._

 _Even if the words weren't that friendly, the fact that Quinn was talking with her made a small smile appear on Santana's face immediately._

 _"Can you please stop being so damn beautiful?" She said back, her own cockiness making its presence known as she smiled at the complacency on her friend's gorgeous face._

 _Quinn stopped cutting whatever she was cutting and turned around completely to face Santana's smiling facade._ _"Are you really flirting with me after what happened?"_

 _Fear and anger fought in her hazel eyes while her physical posture immediately showed how upset she really was._

 _Santana smiled, however. Amused by her own stupid and obvious approach to make things better again._

 _"Actually, I don't know how to flirt so I'm just gonna stare at you until you marry me." She teased again. Quinn's eyes then squinted suddenly as her entire demeanor turned dark. She placed her hands onto the food again and just rolled her eyes. "If you agree, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Santana's tone was soft, funny and bright, the one she usually applied to get a woman's attention._

 _"_ _I don't doubt it_ _." Quinn stated wryly. But Santana could see that her eyes were full of feelings._

 _And her often broken heart ached in such a delicious way when a small smile formed on Quinn's face bringing some light to the room._

 _Was that the hint to start their so awaited conversation?_

 _"You don't believe me?" Santana inquired, that mischievous smirk never left her face._

 _She saw how Quinn tried to hide a smile and she melt altogether._

 _"_ _Just shut up for a while Santana."_ _She said instead. "Where do you have salt anyway? I can't find it."_

 _Since her joke wasn't going anywhere,_ _Santana sighed and uncrossed her arms before got closer._

 _With nervous steps she came up behind Quinn and Santana could literally feel how Quinn's breath hitched at the sudden contact. Santana reached up to open the kitchen cabinet that was up their heads and put the small jar in front of Quinn._

 _Nonetheless_ _, they didn't move._

 _Santana slowly pressed her body further against Quinn absorbing the heat coming from her back. Her fingers stroked the tender skin inside Quinn's arms, moving up until she caressed her whole. Then she made the return journey down the outside of her arms. Her warmth, scent and softness drove Santana crazy._

 _Quinn's head come to rest slightly upon her shoulder as she automatically leaned her weight against her chest._

 _Wasn't Quinn mad at her? Because it didn't seems like it._

 _She held onto her waist tightly, causing Quinn to melt inside the hug._

 _She swallowed past the lump in her throat as she tilted her head to the side ever so slightly. She brushed Quinn's cheek gently with her lips until that brush became a real kiss against Quinn's soft skin._

 _And then after a moment, finally_ _–_ _Quinn turned around to face her. Santana's warm smile growing larger now as she reached up and brushed the loose hairs from her beautiful face. Santana looked into her eyes, the dark hazel waters of her heart sparkling with starlight as she looked into them._

 _Then with a single, effortless movement Quinn leaned in, closing her eyes, kissing Santana on the lips. Santana hugged her closer as the kiss lasted, the two of them embracing each other as the hot touch of Quinn's lips on hers made shivers run down her spine._

 _They stayed like that for a long time, their lips gently touching, their hands softly caressing. And when they finally parted, Santana didn't know certainly why she didn't want to look into Quinn's eyes in that bittersweet moment; fear, nervousness maybe?_

 _Instead she just hugged Quinn again. She hugged her for a long time and she couldn't stop thinking about how their bodies seemed to fit together so perfectly like a puzzle piece._

 _"I'm sorry." Santana murmured against Quinn's hair. As soon as the words left her mouth she realized how widespread her apologies was._

 _I'm sorry for hitting your boyfriend?_

 _I'm sorry for sleeping with another girl when I say I wouldn't?_

 _"I still can't believe you slept with her." Quinn replied in a deadly whisper, so quietly that Santana was surprised she could even hear her._

 _"It didn't mean anything, okay? I promise. Can we forget about it?"_

 _"What? No," Quinn raised her voice slightly before leaning back. "I don't want to forget about it Santana, I thought we had an agreement?"_

 _That question was somehow funny to hear. Specially coming from those lips._

 _Santana leaned back too and looked at Quinn incredulously, her arms were already loosening around her slim waist and Quinn loosened her hold as well so she could pull her arms free from Santana._

 _"That's right, we had one hell of an agreement. And you were the first one to break it." Judging by Quinn's face it was the worst thing she could've said._

 _"What are you saying now? I didn't break our agreement! I'm not sleeping with Michael. The only thing I asked you was a little more time and the first thing you did was sleep with someone else." Yes. Santana knew that already, she knew that Quinn hasn't had sex with Michael, but is this ache against her chest that didn't want to leave her alone. "I am so stupid for always expect the best in people– I knew you were going to be in that party and I wanted to surprise you. But then Michael showed up at my door and I didn't have any excuse so he just tagged along."_

 _"And he sure as hell took advantage of it! Didn't he?"_

 _"No he didn't! it was just a stupid kiss."_

 _Just a stupid kiss?_

 _Santana wanted to hit something again, and she even hesitated for a moment. She was so upset that the veins in her neck were visible._

 _No, it wasn't just a kiss._

 _"I grabbed your hand because I didn't want you to leave without me but then–"_

 _"Then he came up behind you, kissed you and groped you. Right?"_

 _Quinn looked at her deeply before creating more space between them._ _"You're unbelievable, I am the one who is supposed to be upset right now, not you." And she did look upset. She looked so upset that Santana even feared her next move. But if you look closely at what is driving the anger, you will often find hurt, pain, or fear. And Quinn then confirmed that theory. "In fact I'm not even upset, I'm hurt Santana. I can't even look at you right now without thinking in what happened with that girl."_

 _"And_ _I'm sorry!_ _what I did was wrong okay? I already say sorry before. But it's not like we're girlfriends or something so please don't act like a victim here either. What you've been doing for months is wrong, too. You're with me at nights but the next day Michael is your boyfriend again and I don't even exist for you, how do you think I feel with that?" Santana asked exasperated._

 _She felt so unattended and sore from inside. It's the strange feeling that you aren't really in your body that unnerved her in that moment._

 _Quinn watched her for awhile until she lowered her head, curling her lips into a slight pout and ready to burst into tears._

 _"You're hurting me, Quinn." Santana's voice wavering with uncertainty. "So you either want me or you don't."_

 _She closed her eyes for a brief moment. Santana thought in a single instant in time that Quinn could finally explain her silence._

 _This could be like a promise of a new beginning, or quite the opposite._

 _"How can I trust you after what happened?" Quinn blinked and the whole universe had dissolved. "Maybe this is who you are Santana, maybe you're not ready to be with me in a stable relationship."_

 _Santana's heart races as the sunlight fell across Quinn's face. She finally looked up at Santana and something flickered in her eyes._

 _The pure irony of the situation made Santana crack an acid smile. "That's it? That's your answer?"_

 _She could feel the sweat between the lines on her palm. Santana felt so extremely vulnerable, but no. She wasn't going to show weakness in front of Quinn again. She had made her feel stupid and useless just long enough._

 _Her phone then rang, and by the sound of it they both knew that it was the firefighter station._

 _Time to work._

 _She saw how Quinn turned around to keep cooking, and that was the hint that their conversation was in fact, over._

 _So yes, Santana have learnt that a woman with a broken past needs to be treated with patience. But this have been going on for plenty of time already. Enough was enough._

 _Quinn really needed to choose someone and soon, because Santana wasn't going to keep playing this game anymore._

 _With one more long and_ _dreary look she turned around and walked away._

* * *

Beers.

Goddammit beers.

Did she really used to drink that shit a few years ago? Because now was seriously the most disgusting thing she have ever tasted. Two sips and the bottle went straight to her trash bag.

"I swear, one more love song and I'll be sick. Seriously."

"These are danceable love songs Santana! Just look at everyone having fun here. I'm the best to organize this kind of events! I call this a success." Kurt said happily and drunkenly before walking towards the kitchen to refill his glass.

Santana just rolled her eyes at her friend and chuckled. "I don't know half of the people here. I call that a fucking waste of space."

Rachel who was next to her; laughed so loud that despite the music sounding in the air most of the people there must have heard her.

Perhaps Santana was the only one sober in her apartment right now. And it was her damn party. How ironic.

"Then they should go." Rachel added with determination, dropping the laughing. And Santana stared at her a little too long before smiling.

Rachel looked gorgeous, that was a fact. And maybe in any other occasion, like she used to, Santana would have say so. Maybe even throw some juicy comment at her. But now after what _might_ be true Santana didn't want to cross any line with her.

"I was just joking Rachel, I don't mind." She said softly with a quick tap on her shoulder. That somehow caught Rachel's attention completely.

Their eyes connected so intensely that Santana even wanted to look away and ran. But she didn't, because somehow, looking into Rachel's eyes was like a spring of fresh water in the desert and that scared and excited Santana at the same time.

Rachel then grinned. That adorable smile of hers that she always give when she's drunk.

"Remember when you told me in high school that you'd never let anyone hurt me?" She asked, lowering her voice to a whisper and Santana frowned, but nodded anyhow.

"I guess so, what about?"

Rachel's eyes sparkled like diamonds; but she just shrugged before lean her head on Santana's shoulder which took her by surprised. Completely.

"I don't know, I guess sometimes memories just sneak out of my eyes." Came Rachel's gentle voice, muffled slightly by her shoulder.

"And what the hell does that even mean?"

"It means that lately our happy memories are anything but that."

Santana pursed her lips and eyed her doubtful. That was definitely something she didn't expect to hear.

She didn't know about what Rachel was talking about.

Did she?

Because there may come a day when you notice that your best friend can't look you in the eyes directly anymore. If so, the problem might be that the friendship has blossomed into a little crush. Santana has noticed different things about Rachel these last two hours that she had been next to her. And she didn't like it at all. Like how she often find excuses to touch her: her shoulder, arm, hand. Any physical part of her available. How she catch her staring at her when she thinks she's not watching. How she laughs at everything Santana says, how every touch isn't that innocent anymore.

Santana didn't know if she was imagining everything or if it was actually happening.

It was silent for a moment before Rachel leaned into her further. "I'm always going to love you more, aren't I?"

Santana's posture got rigid right away and her eyes got big. Suddenly the air indoors was just as dry as the outdoors. A secret energy enveloping them both, coming from the deep of their hearts.

Rachel seemed to be telling her that she loved her without actually saying the truth.

"Well that's because I'm awesome." Santana tried to dismiss the conversation nervously.

"You are." Rachel nodded against her shoulder.

Her tiny arms circled Santana's waist as she pulled her closer, leaning her head forward to kiss Santana's neck.

And that was it.

Santana subtly pulled back from the awkward embrace and gave Rachel a small smile.

Then the hair on the back of her neck raised and she got the feeling that someone was watching her, someone with whom she hadn't talked to after her dreamy welcome kiss a few hours ago.

Santana turned her head slightly around and sure enough, there she was.

Quinn kept her own features impassive. Her eyes pierced through her, black as coal; all traces of warmth extinguished. If some eyes could actually kill, then Rachel would be dead right about now.

The intense look lasted just a few seconds, however; because Quinn averted her gaze and turned to the conversation she was involved once more.

She looked upset, her eyes were puffy but, Santana could still see those beautiful hazel eyes. She was gorgeous in her own magical way.

Her eyes were lost in Quinn when she felt Rachel grabbing her hand, the contact was soft but urgent.

Santana didn't have time to react when her friend dragged her to the balcony and pressed her against the wall. Away from everyone's eyes and hidden behind a large curtain.

"If I don't do this now, I'll never do it." Rachel said with confidence, but her voice came out trembling.

Their faces were just inches apart now, and Rachel traced her own lips with one finger, lightly, so very lightly.

"What are you _–_ " Her shakily whispered words were drowned in Rachel's mouth.

They both were darkness and there had never been anything before this moment to Santana. Suddenly she had a wild thrill such as she had never known; fear, madness, excitement, surrendering to arms that were too strong, lips too bruising, and fate that moved too fast.

Rachel's lips tasted like sunshine and whiskey. And Santana just kind of stood there, and kinda kissed her back.

At this point she didn't know if she should just let her friend be, reject her outright and hurt her feelings. But maybe she kissed her back because Santana didn't know just how soft Rachel's lips would be.

Her hands remained steady on her side as she moved her lips against Rachel. Her friend urged her closer with her hands that were lost in her hair. Santana couldn't feel anything, but that didn't mean that she wasn't enjoying it.

Rachel sighed against her mouth before slipping her tongue between her parted lips. The pressure was so gentle yet hard. Rachel's hands moved to her shoulders and squeezed her almost sharply, moaning breathily and sending small vibrations through Santana's mouth.

She couldn't believe the way Rachel was kissing her or the way she was kissing her back.

Then, her heart missed a beat when she heard her name called out in the softest whisper someone could've ever hear.

Astonished, Santana quickly tilted her head back breaking the intense kiss.

Quinn stood there watching the scene unfold before her, motionless. Her eyes were moistened as tears of both anger and sadness were on the edge of falling already.

Santana couldn't believe what just happened and what was about to happen.


	11. Chapter 11

_"If you kiss my neck now, I'm not responsible for what happens next..." Santana said almost panting._

 _Her body was as sensitive as a strung bow._ _She got more and more excited the closer Quinn's hand got to her sensitive parts. The gorgeous blonde looked like a wolf watching her prey, and Santana caught herself drooling a little._

 _Why does she have such an unnerving effect on her?_ _Perhaps it was the way Quinn's hazel eyes blaze_ _at her?_ _Or was it the way she trailed her finger down Santana's stomach so damn slowly_ _?_

 _She_ _wish_ _she'd stop doing that, because they had not reached any agreement yet and that was indeed distracting._

 _Santana opened her eyes then, feeling her whole body being tense as she wasn't sure how to respond to the touches and Quinn's playfulness._

 _"Maybe that's what I want." Quinn beamed against her cheek_ _leaving a trail of_ _kisses down her jaw._

 _While_ _kissing is one of the ways of communicating_ _your love, Santana wasn't sure if_ _this was the right_ _moment_ _for it_ _. There is no conversation. There is no sex. There are only two sets of lips_ _craving_ _to be recognized and treasured, and God, it felt good._

 _Santana came home after a long day_ _of work_ _and the first thing she did was_ _to_ _throw herself on the couch with a heavy sigh. Not a tired sigh,_ _but_ _rather a sigh that showed the sadness and bitterness that was_ _deep_ _in her heart._

 _All because of one woman._

 _A flawless woman_ _whom_ _she thought for sure, given how late it was, would be most likely fast asleep on her bed and probably mad because of their earlier conversation but boy, was she wrong._

 _Santana_ _was resting her head_ _against the sofa header when she felt a light weight over hers. And just like that_ _,_ _soft lips were_ _pressed_ _against her own. Love wounds her with tender lips and fingers. Quinn's lips_ _brushed against_ _hers_ _gently_ _, like two butterflies in the sky. And she kissed Quinn back; she kissed her like her lips were air but she couldn't breathe in that moment_ _._

 _Something felt off, that was why Santana pulled back. But now with Quinn's mouth slowly descending to her neck it was really hard to do the right thing._

 _"We shouldn't be doing this_ _,_ _" S_ _he tried again, but her body was_ _giving off a different message as_ _she let her hands caress Quinn's thighs._

 _"Why not? I really want you." Quinn whispered against her neck, making Santana's heart leap inside her chest while something big between her legs was_ _throbbing in excitement_ _._

 _She felt like an ice under the sun._

 _Quinn made a gentle rumbling noise_ _at_ _the back of her throat as Santana whimpered when the woman on top of her grinded her hips down into hers._

 _She could feel her face turn pink as she pulled Quinn into her arms. Santana couldn't contain her feelings as she felt a huge smile spread across her face with Quinn's desperate words of need._

 _But first thing first._

 _"Quinn, I really think we should continue_ _with_ _our conversation_ _before we move on_ _." She murmured_ _._

 _With an annoyed groan, Quinn lifted her head. But when her eyes met Santana's they were soft._

 _She placed her hands on each side of Santana's shoulders before sighing._

 _"What do you want Santana? Can't we just enjoy each other after a long fucking day?" She asked terribly upset. And judging by the way she kept staring at Santana, she was clearly having trouble thinking straight too._

 _The more you come back to reality, the more you're engulfed by a large cloud of hatred. Every memory they have ever created became bitter ever since Santana started to live a double life of destructiveness. And she really couldn't keep doing it._ _She knew she wanted more than what Quinn is giving her now. She knew she deserved more than just pretending and Quinn deserved more than just lies, too._

 _"What do I want?" Santana asked softly yet firmly, and despite the fact that Quinn's words did upset her, her hands remained on her thighs. "I want you to think of me all the time, that's what I want. I want you to cry at the thought of me ever leaving you. I want you to lose yourself at the thought of losing me. I want you to hold my hand proudly in public without second thoughts and I want you to kiss me whenever you want to and not only when we're indoors."_

 _"But—" Santana quickly put her finger over Quinn's lips. It really was her time to speak now._

 _"But what Quinn? The thing is that you don't think about me all the time, you don't cry at the thought of me leaving you. You don't miss me all the time and you certainly don't give a shit that every night I am lying on my bed alone while you're having the time of your life with Michael. So no, we can't just enjoy each other after a long fucking day because I've had pretty much a lot of long fucking days ever since we started this thing." For a moment there, she forgot how to breathe._

 _Every word burned like silver coursing through her veins, and Santana couldn't feel her heart at that moment._

 _Quinn stayed still on her lap as Santana watched the skin of her throat stretched and relax as she swallowed. Her face strayed of emotions expressionless._

 _Her eyes were filled with messages though._

 _Her eyes objected with every word Santana said, they were full of language, brimming with incredulousness even as a small frown appear between her perfect eyebrows._

 _"Do you really think I don't give a shit about you?" She said as she moved her hands like crane claws, trying to dig at the essence of what she was saying. Quinn's expression flared. Shock—pure shock flashed across her features at whatever she saw on Santana's face. "If that's how you see things right now, then I've been doing a terrible job at showing you what you mean to me; because you're everything." Quinn confessed emphasizing the last word. "Everything to me."_

 _Perhaps, it was the dirtiest 'I love you' Santana have ever heard. But honestly, it was incredible how good it felt._

 _Admiring her gorgeous face, Santana contemplated the freckles that spotted her temples and the soft, silky hair that draped over her shoulders. The nightlight highlighted the golden strands that ran through her hair. Quinn's eyes were relaxed and certain. She watched how Quinn's left hand made contact with her cheek in the softest pressure someone could feel. Her hands were miracles. Santana could watch them for hours transforming wood into something it never dreamed of becoming._

 _She leaned in and brushed a kiss to Santana's cheek—a warning shot before she kissed her gently on the lips, tenderly even. Santana felt like she was discovering a new heaven, a new paradise. She was sure that their kiss was able to spread a lot of love and peace in the near surroundings._

 _Quinn kissed her passionately with her arms still around her until they were in another universe. Quinn clung to her as they kissed. The room seemed to rock like a stormy sea underneath them._

 _She was her ship; Quinn was her ship and Santana knew that as long as she held onto her too, they would sail through the storm._

 _The gorgeous blonde of her life stiffened as she gathered the fabric of Santana's shirt in her hands and started to pull it up._

 _"I think about you all the time," She mumbled against Santana's mouth with clear emotion in her voice. "And I've already cried a couple of times at the thought of you leaving me."_

 _Santana's body was trembling with every word and with every touch. More than anything else, Quinn's confession made her feel nervous and excited._

 _"If that's so, no more Michael then?" She dared to ask._

 _Lifting her fingers to the place just beneath Santana's collarbone, Quinn's gaze continued the journey up to Santana's eyes with a gentle slowness._

 _She shook her head._

 _"I broke up with him this morning, actually." Quinn smiled as she placed her hands on Santana's cheeks yet again, and the joy waking up within her upon hearing those words was unbelievable._

 _"You were single before arrive here earlier?"_

 _'And before having that horrible argument?' Santana thought incredulously._

 _"Pretty much." Quinn grinned sweetly. "I guess I was still mad at you for what happened with that girl, you know? I just didn't want to say anything right away."_

 _And it was understandable, really. After what Santana did that night, Quinn had all the right to be mad at her because sleep with someone else was way different than just kiss someone else._

 _But they're here now, together. And that was by far the best thing that could have happened to her._

 _"So that means..." She grinned, the biggest grin she have shown in months. "It means that we're together now?"_

 _"I really hope so," Hope was shining from Quinn's eyes; hope that she had long ago ceased and was now reviving it. Her small smile was like the glowing sunshine and Santana was breathless for a second._

 _She could see the change in Quinn. She was different, and what was more, she was hers._

 _"Now you're mine." She happily confirmed. "Just mine."_

 _They both knew it was not a question._

 _A whole sea of emotions washed though Quinn's eyes. Fear, trust, certainty, love._

 _Love._

 _It was just when Santana saw that last one that she closed her eyes feeling full of something powerful inside her chest._

 _"Always." Quinn whispered._

 _Nodding, Santana said nothing. Only lifted her arms and let Quinn pull her shirt off her_ _before finally make love to_ her _woman._

* * *

She closed her eyes as Quinn's forehead leaned against her. Her arms reached around her and she held onto Quinn tightly. The warmth from their chests made Santana feel an overwhelming sensation. She couldn't describe how Quinn's hug spoke a language that her heart could understand so clearly. Her hands were firmly around Santana's shoulders, Her cheeks were hot to the touch and instantly the two of them blended together into a single figure as they held onto each other, trying to find some way to hold onto the moment forever.

Someone could see the light of God around them in their hopes and dreams entwined together, wrapped in their arms as they remained there, clinging to each other.

"I'm sorry." Santana whispered in Quinn's ear for the sixth time.

After the great shock of seeing Quinn watching her unexpected kiss with Rachel, of course the first thing she did was run away from there. Run away from Santana and that scene. It was wrong in all possible ways and honestly she still didn't know why the hell she kissed her friend back. But after watching Quinn walk away from her apartment, she didn't think about it twice and started to run after her leaving everyone behind calling her name.

It was incredible how fast Quinn ran. She was really fucking fast. It took Santana a good two blocks to catch her. And when she did, she thought that maybe, Quinn would slap her—even if somehow, she didn't have the right anymore, even if they were in some complicated scenario at the moment. But instead all that Quinn did, with tears in her beautiful eyes, was push her backwards twice with an impressive force before hugging her.

To say that Santana was surprised would be an understatement. But she hugged her back without second thoughts.

Quinn sniffed before pressing her face into Santana's shoulder. She felt so fragile in Santana's arms. Delicate, like an exotic flower that could be easily broken. Santana could even feel Quinn's ribs contracting against her stomach with her now calmer breathing.

"I saw you two laughing." Quinn said quite calmly, but there was a tremor in her voice. And Santana could tell that the memory was already hurting.

However, she was certainly lost at what those words meant.

"We were just laughing, Quinn. That's all." Santana tried to defend herself.

Santana frowned deeply.

They were just laughing, what is it with that? They were just enjoying together the stupid things that Kurt was saying in that moment. Was that wrong?

But then suddenly, Santana felt a light come to her mind's darkest corner.

Reality hit her like a train, the adrenaline pumping through her veins was almost visible, because ever since she can remember, she have always watched her friend. She used to like watching her friend. But did she watch her with different eyes, too? Did Santana really liked Rachel some time in the past, and this was maybe her old feelings wanting some stupid taste of what she used to want?

Maybe it was that?

Hell it was more likely that and the thought alone made her chuckle internally before shaking her head vigorously.

How naive was she?

She liked her friend. She used to like Rachel and she wasn't even aware of it until now.

She used to like Rachel fucking Berry, her friend.

Santana shook her head once more with incredulousness.

However, nothing and no one can be compared to this and to Quinn.

This was different, this was real love.

She may not be Quinn's first or her only now. But she loved her, and if Quinn was loving her now, what else mattered?

She was perfect—though the two of them may never be perfect together. But if after four years she still cause Santana to think about things twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, if she can touch Santana's heart without actually touching her, if she not only makes her heart skip a beat, but make it beat faster and slower at the same time; then she will hold onto her and give Quinn the most she can. Because that couldn't be other thing than love.

Besides, Quinn already gave Santana a part of her a long time ago that she knew she could break—her heart.

Love changed Santana. Quinn changed her for good and thanks to her now, she had Beth, too. That strong and powerful euphoria that people feel when they're in love, she feel it with Quinn. Not with Rachel and certainly not with anyone else.

Just Quinn.

The love of her life.

"Why did you kiss her?" Quinn asked against her shoulder, almost as if she were reading her thoughts.

The fear of losing her was indescribable at that moment, and just after that stupid act of kissing Rachel she understood the real possibility of that.

"You have to know that I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel anything with that kiss. I swear."

"Well, are you sure about that?" Her voice sounded surprised and upset. "Because I'm not stupid, I saw you kissing her back."

"Of course I'm sure Quinn. I was just being stupid, and I promise that I'd never do it again. Your lips are the only ones I want to kiss, trust me."

Quinn finally lifted her head until their eyes met again. Hazel eyes softened a little as she looked right back at Santana.

She drew a finger down Quinn's cheekbone, studying her as if she was a painting, too scared she might broke her.

 _Again._

"I've always told you how she feels about you, time proved me right. And you were right there to kiss her, didn't you?" Quinn asked desperately. Her hazel eyes looked stormy gray, like they always did when she was sad or angry or on the verge of tears. She was sad; Quinn was sad and heartbroken.

"I'm sorry." Santana said again, without really knowing what else to say to erase Quinn's doubts. But it was just seconds before hearing the most painful question coming from those lips she loved so much.

"Please don't fall in love with her?" She begged with her eyes and voice.

It made Santana feel terrible, her chest was tight and all the air left her lungs after Quinn's question.

Her love still wasn't clear enough to her. But then again, after what just happened...

Santana _really_ hated herself in that moment.

"How could I? when I'm standing right in front to the woman I'm already in love with." It was the first love declaration she'd made to Quinn since she landed on New York. And the small smile that was making its way on Quinn's face was more than worth it. "Please come with me to some place?" She finished with a small smile and a gentle squeeze on Quinn's waist.

And after a slight hesitation, Quinn nodded and let her take hold of her hand before leading them to a new hotel three blocks away. Without even thinking about the stupid party in her apartment.

* * *

Quinn tugged on the fabric of her shirt and Santana took the hint immediately. She pulled away from Quinn just long enough to yank her shirt off and let it join Quinn's clothes on the floor. Reaching underneath her, Santana pulled the covers down and draped them over their bodies before kissing her again, she stretched out on top of Quinn and gasped a little from the pleasure of her warm bare chest pressing against Quinn's chest.

Seeming to sense her thoughts, Santana's hand roamed down Quinn's body and touched her. She touched her everywhere and could feel Quinn growing wetter the more she touched her. Quinn instinctively opened her legs wider as soft moans were muffled by Santana's mouth. It was unbelievable how good Santana was feeling at that moment.

Quinn reached down and wrapped her hand around Santana's erection. She flinched at Quinn's touch first and broke their kiss to gain some air. Quinn ran her fingers up and down her shaft and Santana loved how her eyes were saying how much she liked Santana's hard dick and how smooth it was, like she always said she was.

Shifting underneath, the gorgeous blonde that was often in her dreams spread her legs even more. Santana really couldn't help one more minute of foreplay so she just grabbed her hard and painful shaft and pushed an inch inside. Quinn lifted her hips with a soft moan and Santana pressed completely into her.

Her lips couldn't not be kissing Quinn while doing this, so she leaned down and kissed her softly as she started to thrust into her.

Santana grinned when Quinn hummed 'mmm' into her mouth.

The speed of Santana's thrusts increased. Both hands were now on either side of Quinn's head and all she could hear was Quinn's ragged breaths mingling with hers.

How many nights had Santana spent thinking about her in prison? About this moment... now having her in her arms was more than she could handle.

Quinn was everything to her in her mind.

Santana reached out and touched her cheek before breaking the kiss to look down at her. Quinn wrapped her fingers around Santana's hair as her other hand moved over Santana's and twined her fingers.

Looking at their interlocked hands, Santana decided that she'd never seen a more beautiful image in her life. She could even write a poem about this.

She would call it Love.

"Santana," Quinn's breath hitched.

She kept thrusting. Quinn closed her eyes and arched her back to take her even deeper. Pressure built deep in her stomach as she felt Quinn's inner walls tightened around her dick. She came with a quiet shudder as well.

Her muscles were taut as steel bars. She knew that Quinn knew she was trying to be as careful with her as she could, like always. And she was already hearing Quinn telling her how she loved her for it. How she was such an odd combination of seducer and protector.

The perfect combination.

She thrust into her one more time while her entire body seemed to tense and then she relaxed on top of Quinn with a sigh.

"I love you." Santana said firmly and loud enough for the girl beneath her with closed eyes to hear her.

She pecked her lips; once, twice before feeling Quinn's tiny smile against her mouth.

She didn't say anything though, they just lay in silence for a long time catching their breaths. Santana was still inside her, their hands were still intertwined. But the 'I love you too' was never heard.

To not show the obvious sadness and disappointment in her eyes, Santana rested her head on Quinn's chest instead before softly pulling out of her.

"Are we going to stay here tonight?" Quinn asked in the middle of the heavy silence.

"If that's what you want, then yes."

"And what do you want?"

That silly question could only have one answer. But the uncertainty and curiousness in Quinn's voice however, made Santana lift her head to be as clear as possible.

"I want to be with you, that's what I want. Wherever you are is where I wanna be." She said with a smile. "If you want to stay, I'll stay. If you want to walk around New York at midnight, then we'll walk around New York. If you want to take a flight to the end of the word right now, then we should pick up Beth and go to the end of the world together."

Quinn's smile and the sweet giggle that escaped from her lips was so precious and ridiculously contagious that it would be impossible to not laugh with her. But behind her smile, was a hurting heart. Behind her giggle she was falling apart, and Santana could see it. She thought that everyone could see it.

Nonetheless, Santana couldn't help but feel how every part of her was excited by Quinn's touch. And when Quinn snuggled up to her, pulling her hand away from Santana's hand to brush Santana's hair away from her face with her so soft fingers, ever so slowly. She felt complete.

"Spending the night here sounds good to me." Quinn sighed heavily and relaxed into her grasp.

They snuggled up under the covers without more words.

And even if Quinn's body didn't seem to feel completely at peace with her, tomorrow she'll finally see her daughter again and tomorrow she'll ask Quinn the question of the year. For now, Santana allowed herself to relax in her lover's arms as she closed her eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

_Today was the day. The day she dreaded had come._

 _When they knew about this day, when the letter finally arrived to their apartment. They started to enjoy every moment together like it was the last. They laughed all the time, planning what they would do when she come back. They loved and amused each other under the moonlight_ _countless of times. And it was still not enough._ _Quinn could see those beautiful eyes that always hypnotize her and not let her think straight the whole day, the whole night. Her whole life._

 _It was the most painful and long goodbye so far, she didn't want to let go of Santana's hands nor stop seeing those eyes and smile and pretty face that always makes her sigh. It was not an eternal goodbye but a 'momentary goodbye'. However, it felt the same fucking way. She felt as if this was the last time she would see Santana, but they both knew it was not. But now, standing right in front of the love of her life, she couldn't help but ask Santana for the fifth time that day not to go._

 _It wasn't only the love and desire to have her near that made Quinn ask that, it was something more, something beyond that. It was her mind, their memories, those joys that only Santana had given her all the beautiful time together, every madness, every moment, every story, every smile and every word she had said._

 _Quinn didn't want to miss her because she knew the pain would be almost unbearable. Santana wasn't even gone yet and the ache in her chest barely let her breathe._

 _Some people would say they were a ridiculous couple. Saying goodbye as if they weren't going to see each other again._ _But a few, just a few could understand what it is to let go of someone you love with the intensity that they love each other._

 _"Please call me every night and write me every day." Quinn told her desperately. Her hands were hugging Santana's neck so tight that she even thought she would break her. Which, wouldn't be a bad start either, anything if that could make Santana stay._

 _"I can't Q, I told you already. But I will try to be in contact with you every week okay?" Santana said, trying to sound as cool as possible before kissing her lips briefly, pressing her mouth tight against Quinn's without knowing how hard it was for her already. "It would be just a couple of months babe."_

 _"_ Just _a couple of months? That's a lot of time." She said incredulously and kinda upset. Because come on, did Santana really thought that it was a short amount of time?_

 _"I know, I know sorry. I will miss you like crazy." Santana's smile along with those adorable dimples was enough to put a smile on her face again._

 _Quinn didn't know when they jumped from happiness and love to this sadness and uncertainty._

 _She met her in college, they danced around each other for weeks, hell months even. They met in college and are now forever friends. You know i_ _t seems to only happen in the movies. Someone finds the "love of their life," and after many trials and struggles, the heroes of the story can finally be together, riding off into the sunset, destined to live out their lives in endless bliss with no troubles in sight. Real life isn't always so romantic, and in this case, can be downright heartbreaking, but they finally ended up together._

 _Quinn used to dream about her, all the time. She would imagine what it would be like to spend the rest of her life with Santana. And she remembers how her friend Mercedes told her, 'why do you dream so much about her, when you don't even know if she loves you or not?'_

 _'Because,' she would said with a silly grin on her face, 'I just know that we are meant to be. She's perfect. She's everything I've been looking for.'_

 _And more... yes, honestly Santana was a lot more. She was a beautiful unspeakable secret and Quinn was so deep in love that sometimes it hurts because they still had not say each other those big words._

 _Three, almost four years together and the 'I love you' was still stuck on Santana's tongue. And so for insecurity, Quinn had preferred to shut her mouth literally thousands of times as well. She wanted to say I love you like a thunderstorm, like a lion, like a helpless rage. Quinn wanted to say I love you but she couldn't say it first, because that would mean vulnerability and loving someone mean some falling._

 _And she's afraid of heights._

 _Quinn saw how then Rachel and Kurt stepped closer to them to hug Santana too. And watched with a particular interest how Rachel's arms around Santana spoke a language that no one else seemed to notice but her._

 _"Please take care Santana." Rachel begged._

 _"Remember to use that acid tongue of yours to defend your life." Kurt joked with teary eyes. "Even if we've had enough of your dirty humor already, we still want you back."_

 _The comment gained a stern look from Rachel but they laughed anyway._

 _What else could they do right now?_

 _"Sure thing gay man." Santana winked at him before freeing herself from Rachel's hug._

 _Quinn barely heard when a voice told everyone there that all the soldiers needed to say goodbye because they were ready to leave. She saw Santana's face for a few seconds and her world stopped for a moment, and everything blurred into oblivion, everything but Santana's beautiful face._

 _She turned towards her and looked back at Quinn. Their eyes met and at that moment, in an instant beyond time frames, she came face to face with a new emotion. It was overwhelming in all senses of the word. Her stomach jolted and twisted in coils and she wanted to throw up and scream and cry. Her body heated up instantly like she was experiencing spontaneous human combustion, and she felt dizzy and numb. Quinn's adrenaline was pumping and her heart was beating so hard she could feel her tongue vibrating in sync._

 _They were looking at each other in such an intense way, but after awhile, they realized this was not romance but horror._

 _"Walk me to the line?" Santana told her softly extending her hand for her. Her voice was thin and everyone could heard how scared and small she really was. Quinn nodded and with trembling hands she took Santana's. "Take care losers, I'll see you in a few months." She told her friends with one last look of affection before finally starting to walk away, leaving behind a crying Rachel and Kurt._

 _Every step she took was like walking straight to the dead line. Quinn could feel the blood flowing within her and she felt that she must die or take that damn flight to Iraq with her girlfriend._

 _Santana tried to calm her down by squeezing her hand affectionately and kissing her forehead._

 _The line to go inside the plane was already ten feet away from them._

 _"Look babe, don't worry okay? They just called us to have some back up. As soon as my commander realize that this is stupid they will release us and I'll be right back here with you. I promise."_

 _"You're not sure about that, don't make promises you can't keep." Quinn said displeased, but her voice came out sounded like a whisper due to the tears that were already rolling down her rosy cheeks._

 _Is this really happening?_

 _"Okay enough," Santana murmured, her eyes lighting up appreciatively at her. She stopped Quinn in her tracks as her palms cupped her face. "You've been really weird with me since yesterday. And moody for no reason at all since a week or so. Are you mad at me or something Q?" Santana sadly asked arching an eyebrow._

 _Jeez, this wasn't the time for an argument and certainly was not the time to get mad at Santana for something she was not even guilty about. But Quinn couldn't control her emotions any longer because right now there were so many feelings plaguing her mind she was on the verge of losing control and that was not acceptable. She wanted to do and say so many things; she wanted to scream and cry and yell. She wanted to hug Santana and slap the hell out of her so that way she could finally stay or at least, say I love you._

 _Quinn let out a heartbreaking sob and collapsed against Santana's chest, clutching to her desperately as she felt everything else collapse around her. Their hopes, their dreams. Their unspoken love. Everything._

 _She buried her in Santana's neck then, breathing her in, forgetting time and place._

 _A moment later Quinn felt how Santana lowered her face nearer to hers, inhaling her scent, too. She kissed her wet eyelids and Quinn's heart melt altogether again._

 _"I don't care how hard being together is," She sobbed with her face still hidden deep in Santana's chest. "Nothing is worse than being apart."_

 _Santana's arms tightened around her, sure and strong. She kissed yet again the side of Quinn's head. She shivered and got tiny little bumps over her skin, known as goosebumps, her whole body suddenly caught fire._

 _"Do you want to know something?" Soft but deep, her voice called out to her. Quinn nodded a moment later before feeling Santana's wonderful hands stroking her back. "Alright, but I need your pretty eyes on me when I say it."_

 _The change of tone and the seriousness of this moment made Quinn finally lift her head. She was absolutely sure that her face must be a joke, even more her eyes that must be red and surely swollen for all the crying she's been doing since days now._

 _However, the light upon Santana's eyes quickly made her forget about everything. Her shining brown eyes that looked dark because of her thick lashes gazed at her. Almost kissing her softly with her eyes._

 _Quinn thought in that moment that no one was, is, or will be more beautiful than the woman standing right in front her. She felt how Santana's hand caressed her waist, arm, shoulder until she reached her cheek. Making her look right into brown eyes directly._

 _"Even if I swore I wouldn't do this again... after making myself believe that there was no such thing as love, I knew the second I met you that there was something about you I needed. I didn't know what exactly, it could have been a kiss?" She grinned, that cocky smile that Quinn loved so much. "It could have been a hug? your friendship? I really didn't know, but turns out that it wasn't something about you at all babe. It was just you. All of you, all of this amazing, beautiful, smart and kind woman I have right now in my arms."_

 _Santana clenched her jaw as her eyes were making holes on hers, Quinn's whole body was shuddering. This was exciting and exhilarating and even scary in its intensity. But before Quinn could say to her to go on she saw how Santana licked her sweet and perfect bottom lip and then just like that, she closed the distance between them._

 _She took Quinn's mouth like she'd been longing to since the moment she'd seen her years ago. That full and precious mouth made for kissing…and other things she was very, very good at. Those kinds of memories just shot Quinn's temperature up even higher. Santana kissed her with urgent, demanding kisses, opening her mouth, seeking her tongue, fire streaking through her veins._

 _Quinn's tongue met hers with eagerness and she tasted sweetly as always. God, how she loved the taste of her. Santana stroked deeply in her mouth, sucked on her tongue and felt her open more for her. Quinn's hands clutched her upper arms, pushing her even more against her body. Then Quinn's arms wound around Santana's neck again and her fingers were in her dark and soft hair, tugging._

 _Quinn was sure that if Santana wasn't holding her she would be flying._

 _"Honestly I think love is too weak of a word, but is the closest thing I can think of say to express my feelings right now." Santana whispered against her lips while Quinn was still having trouble controlling her breathing and complicated emotions. But that anticipation, certainly she wasn't expecting. "I love you, I am completely and hopelessly in love with you okay? And they can't take it, no one can. That's why I am promising you right now that I will come back because I simply cannot live without you."_

 _The impact of Santana's words was close enough to deafen her to everything but her own breathing._

 _Tears were already falling again while she started to nuzzle her nose against Santana's cheek and lips with a a heartfelt smile. Quinn couldn't tell how many times a man had told her that. But an I love you coming from Santana's lips was like air after being underwater for years._

 _It was everything she wanted._

 _"I love you, I love you, I love you." Santana said repeatedly in her ear._

 _Her stomach did a little backflip as Quinn closed her eyes with the biggest smile she'd had after find out about Santana's military letter._

 _Was she dreaming?_

 _She loved and was beloved— her heart was full of happiness and those tears were pure happiness this time._

 _"I love you too." She said before lifting her head. And she saw it, the connection, the love, the happiness. "God, I love you so much." She repeated with a smile._

 _Santana smiled as well, stroking Quinn's nose and lips with her thumb. "You won't even realize the next time you'll drive here to pick me up."_

 _With those words Quinn's world crashed again._

 _She looked behind them and hazel eyes saw how there were just three people left. Santana was the last to board the plane._

 _Panic immediately started to eat her from the inside because she knew that she didn't want to let Santana go, less now. Quinn knew that there was a way to make her stay, there must be a way. It must be in her hands..._

 _But then._

 _Santana looked over her shoulder behind her and saw the same thing Quinn was looking at. Then her eyes met hers and nodded sadly. It was time._

 _Quinn forgot what she'd meant to say, how she'd planned to act, and to her amazement she discovered that she'd forgotten how to breathe properly yet again._

 _"No." Quinn shook her head right away with her chest more tight than ever. "Please don't go."_

 _She crashed against Santana's chest. She squirmed against Santana, enjoying the feeling—how the heat of her skin invaded her. She enjoyed Santana's arms around her, her smell, softness. And she hugged her tight, tighter than ever to finally make her stay._

 _But it didn't worked._

 _"I have to, Q." Santana said softly, and Quinn knew that she had to, but that didn't mean that she accepted it. "We'll be in contact every week, okay?"_

 _The word resignation washed over Quinn in that moment, aside of a slight hint of anguish and heartbreak._

 _But she still tried._

 _"There must be a way to make you stay Santana, what if you fake a heart-attack?"_

 _Santana's sweet giggled made her smile, she made her feel off balance even._

 _It was almost pathetic how deep in love she was._

 _"I'm sorry but I really can't babe. I'm already on this, if I could say no after saying yes believe me, I would. But they won't accept a no for an answer right now." Quinn felt Santana's full and soft lips kissing her forehead before making eye contact. "I'll call you if I can and I will send you letters every week."_

 _She nodded, turning her face away from the love of her life, Quinn let the tears fall at last. They were carried away on the wind as if they'd never been. Much like her right now._

 _"There's a little gift waiting for you on our room." Santana smiled, "You won't be alone all the time with him."_

 _That certainly caught Quinn's attention. She wanted to ask when that happened and who or what was 'he', but she couldn't question it because then Santana's commander called out her name to order her to finally board the plane._

 _Quinn found it difficult to be in the moment with all of that uncertainty swirling around. It felt so difficult, in fact she felt scary to dead. She felt terrible and her chest didn't feel right._

 _"Just promise me that you'll come back." Quinn said desperately, searching Santana's eyes._

 _She was starting to feel like her body wasn't her own. She felt as if she were dying slowly, the incredible pain right in her soul was saying that much. She lived a half-life though, she also knew she had so much more to contribute to this world. But She was paralyzed by the fear. It was common to have fear, and Quinn couldn't help it, she needed to voice it and Santana needed to promise her that she'd come back before going crazy completely._

 _"I promise you I'll come back, you know why?" Santana told her seriously, making the beats of her heart slow down a little bit. Quinn shook her head, tightening her hold on Santana's white shirt. "Because I want to spend the rest of my life with you."_

 _Quinn smiled with a small sob caught in the back of her throat and kissed her passionately. Santana secretly used her hands to wipe her wet tears as she went breathless in her embrace, breathless from the intense pleasure. Quinn could feel Santana's heart beat rapidly as well._

 _The kiss was life, it was dreamed, it spoke promises and love. But it was still not enough to fill the void in her heart._

 _"Please take care, you need to be careful and please don't do crazy things Santana." Quinn said against her lips, feeling as long as she could those lips._

 _"Crazy things like what?" Santana asked amused but Quinn's face was as serious a_ _s she'd ever seen it. There was definitely no time to argue about the meaning._ _"Okay, okay I promise." S_ _he pleased._

 _Quinn's downturned mouth, with all the wrinkles around it, was like a drawstring purse. Quinn was pouting and crying like a small five years old girl but she didn't care one bit._

 _She kissed every inch of Santana's face before giving her the embrace of her life. But too soon for her taste, the embrace was over._

 _When she heard Santana's commander calling out her name yet again. Quinn knew it was definitely time._

 _"I love you babe."_

 _"I love you too princess." Santana winked, softly stepping back, giving her one last smile. "See you soon." And then she turned around completely to get into the plane._

 _To see her walk away made Quinn feel incredibly sad, because she knew she would not be able to embrace Santana for at least three months, she wasn't going to be able to have her close, kiss her lips, touch her skin, smell her perfume. But especially, to see her. See her and admire her beauty and humor._

 _Santana was going away to perform life-threatening duties for the benefit of others, and there was nothing she could do. It was so damn unfair._

 _Quinn is not a woman to believe in hunches, but that night she tried really hard to ignore the ugly sensation she was feeling and just kept hugging the little puppy Santana left for her. Trying to not think about her for at least a second._

 _It was going to be just three months, hopefully._

* * *

It was barely nine in the morning, the sun was just appearing from behind the mountains, but for some reason Quinn couldn't sleep anymore, so she just got up and quickly put on bathrobe. And to her luck the hotel room was well filled with books.

She turned away from the page she was reading as she heard her name called from across the room. She looked up to see Santana walking into the living room wearing a soft navy blue sweatshirt and worn blue jeans, she had already showered and dressed apparently. Her posture was relaxed and gentle like a ray of summer sunlight. Santana smiled showing her charming dimples while a small stain of toothpaste showed in her cheek. Quinn smiled at her too, then Santana pranced over to her side on the couch, lit by the glow of the fireplace.

"Hey there," Santana's raspy voice was soft, and harmonious with her feelings. It gave her butterflies in her stomach just hearing that voice so early in the morning like she used to.

Santana sat down next to her on the couch, wrapping an arm around her waist and tucking her chin in the crook of her neck. She felt giddy as her hip touched hers, the warmth of Santana's body soaking into her was absolutely fantastic. Santana softly nuzzled her cheek and then cuddled her into her arms, smiling.

She touched her bare feet with Quinn's feet, sliding her toes over her soft skin. Santana sighed happily as she took her hands in hers, kissing them and then entwining her fingers with hers, holding them in a tight grasp. Quinn felt electricity with Santana's touch, it crackle over her skin and ricochet up her arms into the form of goosebumps; then it melted into a buttery soft feeling that soaked into her pores and filled her heart.

That feeling was powerful.

But the other big and dark feeling growing within her since yesterday, was just getting bigger.

Santana tucked her hair behind her ear and kissed the side of her head before returning her hand to their embrace, cupping it over hers.

Quinn couldn't stop thinking about those lips touching other lips. That sweet and warm tongue that was only hers tangled with another tongue. It was unbelievable the pain she felt yesterday when she saw Rachel and Santana, she was numb for a while actually. But what she could do? Could Quinn actually ask for an explanation? After everything?

She always knew that her kisses weren't just hers back in college, though. Her hugs never belonged to her and above all this, maybe Santana's love did not even exist, it never existed. In the air, around them... were just words, words with no intention.

She knew how Santana was in college and still fell in love with her, she gave herself unlimited. Quinn were always thinking, especially at night, about Santana's kisses, craving her touch. Even through her friends warned her many times.

But the doubt about her cheating was always there.

Perhaps if that kiss with Rachel would had happened a few years ago...

But truth was, that just the fact of having Santana back in her life again was enough. After all the pain she went through it didn't matter if she came back with no arms, no legs, no eyes after the war; Quinn was happy with just looking at her again, with having her close to her again.

Quinn never lost hope, somehow; because she knew she'd come back, because when love is real, no matter how long it takes to find the other person, because true love goes beyond the physical, beyond time and wars, because love must be eternal and she was feeling love inside her heart like the first time; as if no time had passed. And that's the thing, Quinn was happy because she can tell Santana again, looking deep into her eyes 'I love you'.

It didn't matter if Santana wasn't in love with her anymore, because after all she redid her life as well. The only thing that mattered when she saw her again was the fact that she was alive, because everyone said back then that Santana was gone forever and she was starting to believe it. Quinn thought that she'd walked away from everything, because she failed somehow, because she destroyed the only thing that ever mattered to her letting Santana go to that stupid war.

So, should it matter a stupid drunk kiss with Rachel?

It shouldn't, but somehow it does.

"Hey, what's inside that beautiful head of yours?" Santana asked sweetly in her ear.

Quinn couldn't find the courage to look at her face. That same gorgeous face that appeared in her dreams every night, every day. The same face she once shouted for her not to go.

She breathed deeply and finally looked up, and what she first observed was Santana's brown eyes, her delicate hands intertwined with hers.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" Quinn shook her head, hoping that Santana could just drop it. "Come on Quinn, I know you. Are you still mad?"

Not such luck though.

"Well, do I even have the right?" The question was asked with such a soft voice, that Quinn thought Santana didn't even heard her.

Quinn didn't feel like she had any right anymore, honestly. The thing that hurt her the most was seeing Santana so happy with someone else wishing that it could have been her instead. It burned like silver through her veins watching Santana with her friend.

Santana was silent for a long time, following Quinn's eyes closely, carefully.

"No you don't." She said serious, and Quinn's heart broke once again.

She couldn't begin to number the times she had cried in front of Santana, but now it was the last thing she wanted. Even though the tears were already visible on her eyes.

She's fighting back tears, she's fighting back years of the only life she's ever known that somehow seemed more impossible to live with each passing hour.

"Technically you don't, because you're married." Quinn only nodded, stupidly. Feeling smaller. But then Santana spoke again. "But we both know that it doesn't really matter, right? Because I love you, and while that still remains you have all the rights over me."

Quinn closed her eyes and smiled happily, snuggling up into Santana's lap, feeling so happy, as if she could explode with all the pleasure she had bundled inside of her while she sat with Santana. She felt warm, her heart beating slowly and peacefully now. Quinn placed her chin over her shoulder and snuggled herself around Santana as they held hands.

She ran her thumb over the side of tan fingers, the butterfly feelings returning to her stomach.

"I love you too." She said in a harsh whisper and could actually feel Santana's smile.

"I'm sorry again, I screwed up last night but it won't happen again." Quinn listened to her promise as if the words were made of gold, "There are still a lot of things that we need to solve together, but for now you just need to know that I love you, okay? Just you."

And when Quinn looked up at her, it was suddenly easy for her to imagine that her fears were pointless. That Santana would love her no matter what she told her, and that she was the kind of woman who loved her already and would love her forever.

With that thought in mind, she shut her eyes and kissed Santana passionately on the lips, and for a long while, a full minute, could not take her lips away. Her lips were a mystery Quinn wanted to spend her whole life discovering.

"Shall we get ready to go and pick up little Beth then?" Santana asked against her lips. "Can't wait to see that baby."

"I texted the address to my mom and she wants to come here. She wants so see you."

"She wants to see me?" Santana leaned back, taken aback.

It was common knowledge that her mom wasn't a fan of Santana, precisely. But Quinn thought that this was different, because the fact that Santana is still alive are really big news to everyone.

"Yeah, I told her about you when I was there last week."

"Then we need to pick her up from the airport?"

Quinn shook her head. "She called this morning and her super wealthy boyfriend is already waiting for her."

"Your mom got a boyfriend and everything? That's rich." Santana grinned jokingly before pecking Quinn's lips.

"A lot of things has happened, actually." Quinn's innocent comment then turned into something more complicated.

Santana's expression changed from joy to misery, and her expression almost never changed, and that was what scared Quinn a little bit. Santana's face always made it hard to tell what she was thinking. But also made her seem separate from the rest of the world. It was like she lived so deep in the ocean even light couldn't reach her. Like a fish that couldn't see the dark lonely depths, because it was always dreaming about sunlight.

"Well tell me," She smiled sadly. "I want to know everything I've been missing out these last two years. I want to know about you, about your family, about Beth. Everything you want to tell me."

"Oh we'll need all day to catch up and then more." Quinn beamed before looking down to their interlocked hands as their fingers gently caressed each other. She felt oddly happy and at home.

"Let's start then!" Santana insisted excited, she rubbed Quinn's arms and kissed her forehead. "Tell me first if your little sister got over that crush she had on me."

Quinn rolled her eyes playfully because of course Santana would want to ask that.

"She's not so little anymore, Marley is eighteen."

"Eighteen?! What the hell when that happened?"

Quinn shook her head amused, forcing herself to turn and face her.

"When you left she was sixteen, two years later and she's now eighteen. That's how happened."

"Still a baby though."

"Well I think she got over that annoying crush she had on you. Finally. She has a boyfriend actually."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, his name is Jake." Quinn said carefully. "He's... Puck's brother."

Her glance drifted to Santana's attentive eyes and she could sense her jealousy. It was as if just the mention of Puck's name made her feel sick of her stomach. Her smiling face was already gone and she could literally feel how her body tensed.

Quinn could sense every line of anger etched deep on her brow and around her mouth, feel the simmering heat of shivers.

Santana watched her with those soft eyes, so innocent and sad.

"Awesome, everything stays in family then, right? Marley and Jake, you and Puck. Does your mom's boyfriend is Puck's dad as well?"

"What? No, and for the record I'm not with Puck anymore." Quinn informed softly. "Not since you arrived here, I told you already."

Santana sighed, clearly annoyed, returning her attention to their hands.

Perhaps, if they weren't in such a complicated situation right now Quinn would just kiss her lips senseless and say I love you over and over again until she could wipe that pout off her lips. But things were already complicated enough.

"Fuck, sorry. But I'm still working on the fact that you're married and—"

"And I'm still working on the fact that you kissed Rachel, Santana. Nothing of what's happening right now is fair, to any of us. And honestly you have no right to get mad after what you did last night either." Quinn said in a hurry and took a moment to calm herself and hide the anger from Santana.

She had been acting differently since yesterday, though the cause of her new mood was not obvious. She could be angry or sad, she was not exactly sure.

But one thing Quinn knew with certainty, she wanted to slap the crap out of Rachel fucking Berry.

"You're right." Santana said suddenly, biting her bottom lip before putting her long and strong arm around Quinn. Squeezing her close to her. "But just this time, today at least... can we do something?" She asked nervously.

Quinn waited a moment but no words came out of Santana's mouth. Then curiosity got the better of her. She looked at Santana and she seemed rather nervous, her brown eyes were somewhere on the floor.

"Do what?" Quinn leaned her head back against Santana's shoulder, absorbing the heat coming from her chest.

After a moment, Santana let go of her and she turned around completely to face her, her warm smile growing larger now as she reached up and brushed the loose hairs from Quinn's face. The love in the gesture warmed her heart.

"Can we pretend that nothing has changed? That we're happy just like we were two years ago. That I never left. We can talk about everything tomorrow but just please give me this day to spend with you and Beth. You know, like a real family." The emotion in her voice filled the room. Quinn could even swear that she saw some shine behind those gorgeous eyes she loved so much.

She thought for a moment, analyzing the possibilities and consequences of that petition but honestly, she couldn't come up with anything negative. Besides it was the least thing she could do for Santana after all.

Quinn smiled and kissed her cheek, understanding that you could become homesick for people too.

"Okay," She said.

The grin that followed that single word was as beautiful as a blazing sunset.

She understood then that their story had no end. If anything, it was just beginning.


	13. Chapter 13

Quinn didn't know when their sweet and innocent kisses turned into something more passionate. She remembered grabbing Santana's hand and leading her to the bathroom, to the shower specifically.

She wanted to have sex with Santana in this big, big shower, so what? Maybe she was feeling a little bit adventurous. She did need to shower as well, so.

Santana looked at her surprised first but pleased. "Do you want to lose your shower virginity again?" She asked with a smirk.

And Quinn let her mind wander to that very moment when she told her she was virgin.

Santana's reaction was kind of funny.

 _A minute ticked by followed by another and then another. Santana seemed to be frozen, staring at her but her brown eyes couldn't seem to actually focus on anything. It was almost as if her body had just slipped into shock; as if she had just been dropped into a vat of freezing water and everything was beginning to shut down. Quinn laid beside her_ _in the grass, in a distant corner in the courtyard of the university_ _, her heart lumped in her throat, her stomach in a painful knot and she hoped, holding her breath, that Santana would say something. Anything._

 _"Santana?" She finally spoke softly, unable to keep silent any longer. "Are you okay?"_

 _"I think I misheard you," She said, shaking her head slightly. "It sounded like you just told me that you're virgin."_

 _Quinn felt her cheeks flush but she didn't look away from her intense eyes. "I am."_

 _It was like an electricity bolt had just touched Santana, because she nearly leapt up from the grass. Santana was breathless but it was no longer a result from the cold. Quinn's heart pounded in her chest and she glanced at her, slowly pulling herself into a sitting position, frowning at Santana, and Santana quickly looked away._

 _T_ _he hem of her dress had ridden up a bit, exposing the pale skin of her thighs. Her virgin thighs. How the hell was Quinn still a virgin? She was too old for that, right? She knew exactly what Santana was thinking, what everyone thinks. 'I mean, a college student? She's close to her twenties, and she hadn't made a few drunken hook-ups? That didn't seem normal. At all. That's what her boyfriend says often anyway to try and convince her to finally have sex with him._

 _Quinn pulled down her dress and tucking strands of her hair almost nervously behind her ears. She hadn't been too sure what Santana's reaction would be to her announcement. She knew that Santana had had sex with a lot of different women, everyone knew that. And for many years, apparently. She had used her fabulous Spanish accent and cockiness and her good looks with the women she met._

 _She wondered if Santana had ever been with a virgin before and if she hadn't… was it really that big of a deal?_

 _Santana finally looked at her again._

 _"You're a virgin?" She asked as if she needed to hear it one more time though she wasn't sure if she could believe it._

 _Quinn wasn't sure why but there was something in her tone she couldn't identify and it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up._ _It was a new realization but now that Quinn had noticed it and finally admitted it to herself, she couldn't ignore it any longer._ _Yeah, apparently it was kind of weird._

 _If this was a cartoon, she would physically be able to see the wheels spinning rapidly in Santana's mind. She had absolutely no idea what she was thinking but she knew that it probably couldn't be something good if Santana Lopez, of all people, was this quiet._

 _She was even more_ _quiet than the first time they met._

 _"Yes, I am." She said once again, her voice soft yet strong. "Is that a problem?"_

 _The question was such a ludicrous one, and Santana couldn't help but frown. "No, I mean, but_ _—_ _Quinn, you're nineteen and_ _—_ _"_

 _Quinn's spine stiffened and her jaw set. "I wasn't aware that being a virgin made me some sort of freak," she crossed her arms over her chest. Hiding the hurt behind Santana's words._

 _"It doesn't." Santana quickly said, shaking her head. "But, it makes me wonder."_

 _"Wonder what?" She bit out and she could feel the familiar anger beginning to build inside of her. They had had such a wonderful morning and day together. Why was it being ruined now? Quinn didn't want to be angry at Santana. She was tired of being hostile towards her every time a girl would approach them to ask for Santana's company but this was too sensitive of a subject to just let it slide._

 _"You know, why you're a virgin." Santana tried to clarify._

 _"You mean to say, what's wrong with me that would make me be such an old virgin?" Her voice was cold and she was sure Santana heard it immediately._

 _Quinn stood up abruptly and Santana followed, she took a step towards Quinn, which she immediately countered back with one of her own, keeping distance between them._

 _"You are such an asshole." She shook her head. She could still feel the anger churning inside of her but now there was something else_ _—_ _something that she had rarely ever felt towards Santana. Hurt. Santana was hurting her, giving her chest a sort of hollow ache that she wasn't used to feeling when around her._

 _"Hey," Santana's own back straightened at that and she looked at Quinn_ _intensely_ _. "You're the one who just dropped the bombshell on me. How the hell would I ever expect you to be a virgin? I mean, you have a boyfriend. I'm just trying to wrap my head around it."_

 _"Right," Quinn tightened her arms over her chest. "By wondering what's wrong with me. I don't understand you or any man for that matter. If I'm a virgin, I must be some sort of freak or prude. But if I was the type of woman who has slept with other man, I'm a slut."_

 _"It's not like that. I would never_ _—_ _"_

 _"Yes, it is. It's exactly like that." She said and she could hear her voice trembling. She didn't know if it was because she was so angry or because she was becoming too upset. Whatever it was, she didn't want to be around Santana anymore. "Less than five minutes ago, we were lying right there and you were laughing and talking about your day, my day, and now you're looking at me like_ _—_ _"_

 _Crap, Quinn thought to herself. She was beginning to feel tears burn her eyes. She couldn't allow this to happen in front of Santana._

 _Why the hell the gorgeous woman had to have such a big impact on her anyway?_

 _"Quinn, come on." Santana said softly, she grabbed Quinn's hand with such gentleness and sweetness. "I'm just surprised, fuck I am really surprised actually. But I'm not thinking anything bad about you,_ _quite the opposite._ _"_

 _"I'm just waiting for the right person, okay?" You! Quinn wanted to yell at her. "I want it to be with someone I love. Is that so stupid and_ _wishful thinking?" She asked nervous._

 _With that Santana nearly swallowed her tongue._

 _Love?_

 _Yes, another_ _taboo for Santana._

 _Quinn didn't know if anything else could be said anymore._ _Everything had been flipped onto its head and she didn't know what to think._

 _Quinn waited another moment but she didn't say anything and neither did Santana. She opened her mouth a few times though, but she never said anything. Quinn's ears rang with the silence. Santana stood there, her jacket in her hand, sweat breaking out on her palms and then she just closed her eyes for long agonizing seconds._

 _How had the afternoon turned like this? Quinn had had so much fun with her secret crush, laughing and teasing and talking about everything. And now this?_

 _"Let's go for an ice-cream." Santana suddenly said, changing the subject completely as if they weren't talking about something important to Quinn at all._

 _Santana smiled, squeezing her hand before leading Quinn to the nearest_ _ice cream shop in New York._

 _Wasn't Santana the most weird person when it comes to mood swings?_

 _Quinn knew that the news would surprise her, but honestly she didn't think just how surprised Santana would be._

 _But not only is she a virgin. She mentioned love._

Soft kisses, sweet giggles, a hand on Santana's large shaft.

Quinn looked her in the eye and grabbed the shampoo, took Santana's hand in hers and put a dollop of shampoo in her palm. She kissed Santana with the hot water slanting down on them before guiding her precious and talented hands to her breast.

The slickness of the soap against her bare skin sent thrills into her nether regions, making her long for Santana inside of her. Santana licked her tongue and lips, slurping the hot shower water as it trickled into their mouths, gently sucking and nibbling Quinn's mouth. Her hands full of soap, stroking now Quinn's back between her shoulders as she gasped out loud.

Santana's hands on her back and in her hair turned Quinn on. Her cock was as hard as a rock, and Quinn loved it. She kissed Santana's chest, stopping at a nipple and running her tongue around that soft piece of flesh while Santana sucked her breath in sharply. Quinn continued downward, putting her tongue in her belly button before kissing a small scar on Santana's hip. The shower water was still pounding on them, and she could smell the hot aroma of Santana's hormones as she descended past her belly and took her hardness into her mouth, whimpering in pleasure as well.

Quinn ran her tongue around the head, licking the hole and tasting the saltiness of the fluid there.

There was just something about doing this with Santana that made her feel _so_ right.

She didn't want to compare but she couldn't help it, because God, the differences were so clear. Although, there wasn't a moment when she didn't feel loved with Puck, the mere thought of kissing him or touching him or even doing this made Quinn feel sick. Sick of her stomach, sick of her mind. Everything felt wrong, nothing was right.

It was completely unnecessary and a little bit dumb remember this just now, but somehow the memories still hurts. Because when she first knew about Santana's death Quinn could not speak... only cry. It felt as if something was breaking inside, filling her heart with shards.

Nor his muscular body or sweet personality was enough to make Quinn feel again. She never felt anything at all, actually. And she knew it because the moment she saw Santana again, and noticed the tiny veins in her forearms that she loved so much; she wanted to run and kiss them from wrist to elbow right away. Again.

Santana was perfect in her eyes, and Puck was not.

Quinn could never forget how much she loved the way Santana used to quirk her eyebrow, how her voice sounded so early in the mornings. How much she loved that small smile that tugged at her lips when she was touched by something, how she was silently the most loyal person in the world even if she was always saying otherwise. Quinn could never forget how strong she was, how she loved her handwriting. She loved how Santana always used to put her left foot first and always skipped cracks in the sidewalk because her mom told her once she'd be swallowed by a monster if she stepped in them when she was little, and even though she didn't believe it anymore, it still kind of lingered. Quinn never forgot how much she loved the way her eyes tell you everything you need to hear. She never forgot Santana's voice, her laughter, her gentle touch, her sweet smell, her kisses, silent strength. And even if Quinn always disapproved it, she even missed the way Santana used to hold a cigarette against her lips, so sure of herself and looking so damn hot while doing it.

Quinn felt like her heart was breaking inside her chest every time Puck was near her. She was a zombie, she was falling apart on the inside and no one could rescue her. And after two lonely years, once she had finally put the pieces back together, even though she may look intact, she were never quite the same as she'd been before the fall. But she needed to be, for Beth. So she started to act like she loved Puck, even if she didn't.

It was all for her sanity and Beth's future. But then Santana, the love of her life landed on New York's airport again, and the rest didn't matter.

Puck didn't matter, nothing that wasn't Santana mattered to Quinn in that moment.

She moaned and dug her hands into Quinn hair, thrusting her hips forward slowly. Quinn sucked and brought her to absolute rigid hardness before pulling away. She groaned as Quinn released her member from her lips. Quinn stood up and pressed their naked bodies together, Santana with one hand under her head and the other stroking her, along her belly and teasing her with her fingertips.

She kissed Quinn with those full and sweet lips, their tongues flicked to touch; Quinn applied soft suction to her lower lip and touched it with her teeth. Santana's shaft was still firm in her hand, she couldn't stop touching it. How could she when it was so soft and big and _delicious_. Santana let out another moan and pushed against Quinn hand as she slid it up and down.

She couldn't take it anymore, Quinn threw her leg over Santana's hip and lowered herself over her hard cock, holding it in her hand and guiding it over her rigid clit. Quinn moaned as Santana's dick touched her there, grinding her hips and moaning, surrounding Santana's member with her lower lips.

Quinn raised up slightly and very slow and gradually lowered herself onto Santana. The very tip of her shaft was just barely inside the entrance. Quinn groaned as Santana reached down and found her clit with the tip of her thumb. As she probed Quinn with her ivory hardness, her fingers moved against her clit and her tongue swirled on the tip of her breast, encompassing her nipple and causing Quinn to buck.

This brought her shaft deep into Quinn, and she thrust slowly. The tension built, her fingers moving faster on Quinn's clit as she rode up and down.

Quinn looked her in the eyes then, they were darker than she'd ever seen them, electric brown and vibrant, and then the release came. Quinn cried out as Santana thrust deeply into her, faster and faster. Quinn was throbbing as she came, and then Santana let out a loud gasp and made a deep thrust and ceased to pump as Quinn's body kept enjoying the orgasm.

Quinn laid herself against Santana, breast to breast, her face buried in her neck as Santana's hands stroked her back. With each touch, in this intensity of sensation after their love making, she involuntarily arched her back and bucked. Santana laughed low in her throat and continued running her hands up and down her back.

"You're a lot of fun today." She said. Quinn smiled back at her and wiggled her hips.

She could still feel Santana's shaft inside of her, still almost as hard as it had been all morning, and responding to her motions.

A question in Quinn's eyes, she was still craving Santana's touch. So Santana smiled back and nodded ever so slightly. Quinn moved up and down against her again some more, feeling her cock growing stronger inside of her once again.

Santana reached up and touched her face and bent down to kiss her. She took control of the situation at this point and turned Quinn around with her back pressed against her front. She entered her from behind, with Quinn's legs together and Santana inside of her.

In that position, every inch of her crotch could feel every inch of her dick. She groaned, knowing that this would mean another climax. Santana stroked her slowly, thrusting one inch at a time, caressing every inch of Quinn's interior. She arched her back, pushing back against Santana as she pumped into her, in and out, slowly inching her way in and out. Then she bent to her body and blew hot breath on Quinn's shoulders.

Quinn cried out, unable to keep it in. Santana's tongue came out, wetly touching against that sensitive skin on her upper back and neck. She nibbled up to Quinn's ear and inhaled sharply as she took her ear lobe into her teeth, sending shivers all over Quinn's body and making her groan. Then her thrusting was faster and harder. She reached down and found Quinn clit again as she pumped harder and faster, pushing her hardness deep against Quinn's center.

Just as Quinn exploded in another orgasm, Santana let out a loud cry and pushed deep into her, then collapsed against her back.

The water made them slippery against each other as they both breathed hard in the aftermath of their bathroom workout. Now Santana was soft and fell out of Quinn. She rolled Quinn over, holding her as she nestled against Santana's shoulder, exhausted. She kissed Quinn on the forehead and Quinn curled her fingers in her hair.

The sensation was amazing, and Quinn couldn't be more happy and pleased.

"Isn't your body the sexiest thing in the world?" Santana commented with a mischievous smirk as Quinn giggled.

"Alright let's shower now, properly."

"Fine by me, princess." Santana grinned happily as they started to bath with all the proper implements. "Just don't try to seduce me again. It won't work this time."

Oh Quinn was sure it would work, but they didn't have time for another round.

* * *

She watched her walking from one side to another. Looking the time on her phone every five seconds.

Quinn decided in that moment that nothing was cuter than Santana nervous.

"It's not as if you haven't seen my mom before, why are you so nervous?" She asked from the couch.

Truth was that this hotel room was really cosy and beautiful. It was more like a semi-apartment and Quinn liked it a lot. The couch where she was sitting was a light brown and really comfy. The lounge also has a table with chairs that provides the perfect spot for meal times. The elegant room with wooden beams provides direct access onto the balcony as well as an American-style kitchen with oven, microwave, dishwasher, toaster, coffee maker, and fridge-freezer so that guests have absolutely everything they need during their stay. It was perfect and classy.

"I know," Santana's eyes narrowed and drifted to the ceiling. "I'm not nervous. I'm just anxious, I guess."

"Yeah? Why?" Quinn inquired with a smile before standing up. She walked closer to Santana who was looking outside through the window and placed her palms on each side of her shoulders, tenderly kissing the back of her neck.

"Because I haven't seen Beth in three weeks and I kinda miss her." The sincerity in her voice igniting a spark of hope in Quinn. Santana slowly turned around and encircled her waist with her arms. "And as for your mom, I really don't know what to expect babe." She chuckled nervously.

"Relax sweetie, she just wants to say hi and then we'll be alone with Beth."

Santana smiled with her words, and there it was again, that aching pressure in her chest. Love, or a heart attack? Kind of the same thing... right?

Why did Santana's smile had to be so damn mesmerizing?

Quinn leaned in and kissed her. They kissed, slowly and tenderly for a whole minute.

"So, after being dragged to the bathroom." Santana began amused, her hands veered dangerously close to Quinn's ticklish spots along her ribs causing her to smile. "I was going to ask you where the hell is Freddy, he must be like eight years in the dog's world or something."

Quinn giggled, nodding.

"Yeah, he's a really big and handsome dog. And well-behaved, luckily."

"I want to see him too," Santana told her excitedly. "Where is he?"

"I umm _—"_ Quinn suddenly got nervous because the dog, all her belongings and Beth's belongings were still in the big house she used to share with Puck.

But to her luck, Santana didn't realize her uneasiness because her phone began to ring once again.

"Goddammit this boy." She said not so happy before letting go of Quinn's waist to pick up her phone from the coffee-table. "Wait a minute baby, is just Kurt again."

Quinn nodded with a heavy sigh before turning her head back toward the city that fell at her feet.

Her future felt dark somehow because she didn't know what she wanted to do. Quinn felt like a random player in a chaotic game.

She used to live relatively okay in a big house near Central Park with Beth and Puck, her dog Freddy too. She'd been living in New York for over six months now, Quinn didn't have a job since Beth was born so they all were under Puck's roof, eating thanks to Puck's money. And right now that _her_ Santana is back, and after asking Puck for the divorce, Quinn didn't know where the hell she was going to live.

Logically, the safe option was staying at Santana's place for a few days. But Quinn didn't have the courage to ask her such thing, because wasn't that a really big step? And wasn't them just getting along again after everything?

Quinn thought that it was way too soon for that step.

"No Kurt, I told you yesterday, and I repeat again. I won't go to that friendly lunch with Rachel you're planning. I will talk to her someday next week okay? See you."

Upon hearing Rachel's name Quinn turned from the window to look at Santana. She frowned deeply and squeezed hard the fabric of her dress.

"What did he want?" She asked subtly.

Santana looked up at her and her eyes were painfully deep, matching her frowned eyebrows.

"He wanted me to go out with him and Rachel." Santana said carefully, and kinda confused, as if the idea didn't convince her entirely. "She wants to apologies for what happened."

 _Great!_ Quinn thought immediately.

So basically Rachel was in love with her woman for years, tortured her with not so subtle comments and touches toward Santana all the time they were together. She once even felt sorry for Rachel for being a 'dirty whore' when in a particular occasion she was more sexy than other times while dancing with her _girlfriend_ Santana in some stupid club _—_ denied the obvious crush she had on Santana repeatedly but the first thing she did once she came back was kissing her?

And now she wants to apologize?

This seemed like a really good move with no good intention to Quinn.

"I mean, I know what we did was wrong but I don't think she needs to apologize." Santana said in a low voice more to herself than Quinn.

Quinn felt chills through out her body with Santana's words and thought that she was going to break into tears or slap her across the face for once.

"Are you seriously defending her right now? She cares for no one but herself! She's not sorry at all for starters Santana."

Santana sighed tiredly before rubbing her temple. "Alright it was a stupid idea take that call in the first place. Let's just forget about it. "

"No," She said immediately, frowning furiously. All the nasty feelings she felt last night were returning. She walked the few steps left between them and looked at Santana directly in the face. "We won't _forget_ about it again, tell me why you think this is so normal or why you don't think she needs to apologize."

"I don't know, because she acted on what she felt I guess." Santana said simple, she seemed astonished by her own words at first but then she gave Quinn a small nod.

Quinn was surprised by Santana's really quick reply, and then it finally hit her.

"So you know, you always knew she had a thing for you and never actually did something about it."

"You're misinterpreting everything."

The sight of Santana so calm and cool with all of this caused her fangs to grow long and sharp and cut her lower lip which she was biting so as not to start screaming in rage. Or jealousy, or anguish.

"Instruct me then."

Santana's face was stark dark as her hands wrung together, visibly upset. Though she stayed calm and in control. Her calm and gentle manner was sure to soothe Quinn, but she didn't feel like acting as if everything was fine after that kiss between her and Rachel anymore.

"I think we don't get to choose who we love Quinn, we know this first-hand, that's what I'm trying to say."

"Love?" Quinn asked in a whisper.

The word _love_ echoed in her head like a mantra, until all her other thoughts had been obliterated.

So they're talking about love now.

Rachel was _in love_ with Santana?

It made Quinn's heart pound viciously in her chest, and her eyes to widen in fright.

"I didn't mean it like that Q, you know it." Santana quickly approached her when she saw that Quinn's face was pale. Quinn's lips were set into a hard line and saw the stubborn glint in her eyes. She reached forward, firmly, hugging her close to her chest as Quinn heard her heart. "This day is just beginning babe, we don't need to make this uncomfortable."

It wasn't about making it uncomfortable, though. More like making it incredibly painful. Quinn's eyes were wet as she watched her ex-lover with heaviness.

Why the hell Santana and Rachel's relationship kept having such relevance in her life? Is she even going to stop doubting about them sometime soon?

"Besides, I believe someone promised me a happy day?" Santana continued amused, smiling slightly while showing Quinn those charming dimples she loved so much. "We'll talk about every single problem tomorrow, remember? Not today."

Yes, Santana was right, and Quinn kinda hate it.

She stared into her eyes; dark, mysterious, the window to her soul. Soft voices were playing from the TV but her mind didn't register anything. All that was playing in her mind was how much she wanted Santana in that moment, and how she was hers, how badly she wanted Santana to be just hers, like she used to. Her lips, hers. Her hands, hers. Her soft brown hair between her fingers, hers.

Santana's tongue flicked out to lick her full lips, her hands were playing with hers just below their waists, their fingers entwined, never wanting to let go.

She was so aware of Santana; every breath she took, every move she made. Her insides yearned for her; how she made her feel loved with just her eyes.

Santana moved closer to her, watching her reaction. Her breath grew faster but she didn't attempt to move away. She reached out to touch Quinn's cheeks softly as she leaned in closer to brush her lips against hers.

God, the taste of her lips; it's unforgettable. So sweet, so unique, so _Santana._

Her lips moved with hers, a rhythm only they knew, gentle yet hard, wild and also loving. Tongues fought for dominance, but she didn't care who won, she just wanted her.

"I love you. When are you going to finally understand that?" She said against her lips, eyes half-closed.

Quinn shuddered, only Santana had the ability to make her feel this way with just her words.

"Then don't make me doubt it anymore."

The woman in front of her smiled, nodding slowly.

It really felt like their conversation wasn't over but then the doorbell rang and Quinn knew exactly who it was.

She pecked Santana's lips one more time before walking towards the door to open it. And when she did, there it was. Her beautiful little baby and her mom with her boyfriend Robert.

"Hey everyone, finally here."

"Hey darling!" Her mom greeted her, grinning. "Beth didn't stop asking for you all the way here."

"That's because she was boring with the heat in Las Vegas, it's uncomfortable." Her mom's boyfriend grimaced and Quinn smiled at them.

Beth was happily trying to reach her with her small arms and Quinn took her right away. She really missed her daughter and it was barely two days away from her.

Quinn turned around and looked at Santana. She guessed that Santana was nervous for two reasons, the first was that she was already seeing her daughter again after three weeks and the second was because her mom was there.

She looked at her directly, for once, with the same puzzled expression she'd seen yesterday. Santana was playing with her hands while smiling gingerly.

"Hey Judy," She said.

Her mom wasn't paying attention to any other thing than her granddaughter in that moment. So when she heard Santana's voice, her head snapped up and her eyes lit with a crazed light. She set her face into a thoughtful expression.

"Santana." It was the only thing she said before walking where Santana was awkwardly standing; and she hugged her.

Quinn was suddenly surprised, excited, and her heart skipped a beat with the sight of them.

Santana returned her hug with less enthusiasm but smiled nonetheless, making Quinn smile as well. She studied the blush on Santana's cheeks and her soul melted.

Quinn remembered how her mom liked to pretend that Santana didn't exist, she used to talk about her just to tell Quinn how wrong she was for being with her. How she could do better, or how she was going to suffer when she—most likely would cheat on her.

Her mom didn't like one single thing about Santana, and the fact that her little sister seemed so enamored with her every time she was around didn't help that much either. Judy said terrible things to her about Santana multiple times, and Santana always preferred to shut her mouth for respect. Strangely enough, that always got on Judy's nerves.

And now, seeing them again like this, was something really nice to Quinn.

Perhaps the fact that she cried her eyes out after 'Santana's death' helped a little bit. Because now that she was a mother too, she understands that nothing is worse than watch your daughter in pain.

"I'm really glad you're here again." Her mom said after pulling away. "Quinn told me you already met your beautiful daughter?"

"Yeah, I already had the luck." Santana said as cheerfully as she could muster this early in the morning, putting her hands back on her pockets.

Santana was still nervous, she knew. But yet, she still gave out such an aura of confidence. Her eyes were like a butterfly's gorgeous wings when she looked at her and Beth. She walked then towards them, every step in sync.

Quinn loved when Santana wore hoodies, she didn't get why it was so appealing to her. But she looked sexy as hell, for sure.

Santana touched Quinn's nose softly with her finger before stealing Beth from her arms, and to her surprise, Beth didn't object.

"Hey there," She kissed Beth's smiling cheek lightly and snuggled closer to her.

"Hey Santana, I'm Robert." Robert spoke next to them and extended his hand.

 _Right, Robert._

Quinn forgot he was even there for an instant but then quickly introduced them.

"Sorry. Santana this is Robert, my mom's boyfriend."

"Nice to meet you Robert." Santana grinned, accepting his hand before returning her attention to Beth.

Quinn watched her, she watched her with Beth and the sight was hypnotizing. They looked so alike, they looked so happy together. Santana in particular but Beth, who had just seen her once in her short life, looked happy, too.

Quinn didn't realize that she was smiling and _almost_ crying of pure happiness. Her heart felt complete.

Finally complete.

Quinn saw how Judy was looking at Santana with a strange fondness as well before looking at her. "So Quinn, I'll be here until next week, and I'd love to have lunch or dinner with you and Santana tomorrow. We can catch up, are you guys free?"

"We'll see." She happily said.

They talked for a few more minutes before walking out of the hotel room. Afterward, Quinn applied some make up and they walked out of there as well. Ready for a day out with her small and beautiful family.

* * *

 **A/N: The chapter just got longer, sorry.**

 **Next chapter what I promised: Santana and Beth, Puck and Quinn, Santana and Rachel.**

 **Quinn and Rachel?**


	14. Chapter 14

She gulped down her hot coffee, grimacing at the taste, thinking that perhaps it was just the taste of something so hot; the burning intensified to the point of pain. But it was okay, really.

Everything was okay nowadays.

She watched her face, and her eyes never shifted; Santana was lying on her stomach, completely relaxed with one of her hands under the pillow while Beth's small body was exactly in the same position.

The sight was adorable.

Santana still looked so young, with a fair, calm face, whose lines bespoke repression and even a certain strength. She was the most beautiful woman living in this cruel world to Quinn.

The delicious smell of rain was in the air. The notes of a distant song which someone was singing next door reached her faintly, and countless sparrows were twittering in the blue sky showing here and there through the clouds.

She watched her two favorite people and couldn't contain the strong need to get closer. So she easily put the cup of coffee over the nightstand and took off her slippers. She eased herself under the covers once again, the heavy sheets quickly warmed her body as she removed Santana's hand from behind the pillow before putting it around her own waist.

She settled back contentedly and supposed that when Santana said so many years ago that she was a heavy sleeper she actually meant that she dies in her sleep; because seriously, someone could drop a bomb right next to her right now and Santana still would be sleeping.

Her obvious joy touched her like warm sunlight as she let her nose touch the tip of Santana's. The merger of their bodies was so beautifully perfect. Santana's arm around her waist felt so light yet heavy, it was just the right pressure. She draped her arms over Santana's shoulders and massaged the muscles of her neck, her tan and soft skin. God, how she loved Santana's neck, Quinn loved how cute and esthetic it looked.

With her nose Quinn touched Santana's cheek, Santana's chin, every single feature of Santana's face. She just wanted to absorb her and walk around for the rest of her days with Santana's encased in her skin.

Quinn closed her eyes, breathed happily through her nose before pressing her lips slightly against her mouth. And as she thought, the sexy woman before her didn't wake up. So, with all the enthusiasm in the world she captured Santana's bottom lip between her own, and even if Santana wasn't even moving her so very soft lips against Quinn's, this still earned some crazy heart beats inside her chest. It was heart stopping, actually.

She tried again, and again, and again, applying more and more pressure with her mouth. And then Santana began, little by little, to lazily kiss her back.

"I want to drink strawberry." She murmured sleepy against her mouth.

Quinn chuckled as she reached for her cheek, she felt Santana press her body more firmly against her and well, apparently she was still kind of asleep and talking nonsense.

Her heart beating rapidly both from the memory and Santana's lips still against her own. Quinn placed her hands on Santana's chest, relishing the feeling of her body. Her habit was to tug Santana into her embrace, nuzzle into her neck and stroke her hands on every inch of her available. So she did that, and when she playfully bit the sensitive skin of her neck Santana finally opened her eyes.

Her precious voice spoke softly. "Hey there, little vampire."

Santana's voice was deep and gravelly, like always in the mornings. It nearly drove her mad.

She once heard one of the girls in college say that Santana had the voice of a sex goddess, but because Quinn had never really heard what a sex goddess sounds like, she couldn't really verify that, but that girl must have been right.

Her heart had always been a bird that fluttered at the sound of Santana's voice, as if trying to fly to the point in the sky where white meets blue.

 _Who wouldn't go crazy with that voice anyway?!_ Quinn thought to herself before smiling at Santana, kissing her cheek.

"Hey there my soldier."

"No more soldier please," She began. "I think I prefer firefighter now, pretty much sure they expelled me after hitting my commander." Santana joked, her chocolate-brown eyes twinkled as she spoke.

Quinn just giggled, really happy that they could talk about this right now as if it was just an old memory and honestly—she was surprised as well because Santana just said more than five words this early in the morning.

"Well your firefighter uniform is hot as well." She beamed arching an eyebrow suggestively and Santana gave her a half smirk.

Her arm went around Quinn's waist once again as she reached forward and grabbed her quickly, hugging Quinn and sheltering her from the cold, now Santana lay covering Quinn's body with her own.

"I think I look smokin' hot on every uniform," Her cockiness was sort of attractive in a way when she said it.

Quinn rolled her eyes gaily, knowing that Santana was full of herself and knowing too, that she couldn't exactly contradict her.

Quinn lifted her hand and pulled down her grey hoodie to cover her stomach again, Santana's hoodie actually. She looked into her brown eyes then focused her attention on her beautiful, luscious looking lips.

She leaned forward and kissed Santana sweetly. She loved how her mouth felt on hers and she made sure to linger onto each kiss before they parted. Santana smiled down at her and kissed her lips softly once more.

She had the sun in her smile.

"Good morning." Santana whispered in that ridiculously attractive breathy voice of hers before kissing her nose.

"Morning," Quinn said drowsy.

Was she dreaming? Quinn closed her eyes for a split second. No she wasn't, she was not dreaming.

She was absolutely over the moon. Never in her life had anything been so good. She was so occupied with Santana and Beth all the time that honestly and literally, Quinn couldn't even imagine life before these three weeks. This was her happy life now. She had been staying at Santana's apartment for a little less than a month. Puck didn't want to sign the divorce but that didn't matter because she was with Santana, and the divorce was just a mere formality, at least right now.

The only problem was that some of her things and clothes were still at Puck's house but she didn't want to go, honestly. Not that Santana would let her go alone either. And she really didn't want Puck to meet Santana because the last time she saw him about ten days ago one Friday when Santana was at work, he warned her that he wouldn't sign a damn thing and Santana better watch her back.

She didn't recognize him; he was so mad and drunk and Quinn really thought he would hit her in that moment, but then he just started to cry and that was when Quinn left. Of course, feeling terrible with herself.

She knew that Puck must be feeling miserable but she couldn't really do or say anything to help him. At least for the time being.

"Where did your head go?" Whispered a voice above her.

"Nowhere." Quinn offered her a smile, though inwardly alarm bells were still ringing. And judging by Santana's face she didn't buy it, she eyed her suspiciously.

Honestly, some of these thoughts might be easier to accept and apply if Santana weren't so impulsive.

For the corner of her eye, she saw Beth moving towards them.

"Well look who's awake already!" Santana quickly climbed off of her to Beth's side, way too excited. Quinn watched them as Santana's hands grabbed Beth's body and dragged her closer. With a steadying hand at the small of her back. Santana leaned in and kissed Beth's already smiling cheek. "Good morning to the most beautiful girl, how did you sleep?"

Beth smiled sleepy at Santana before tumbling her body against her breast.

Her morning mood was definitely the same as Santana's.

"I think someone's still sleepy." Quinn said.

Beth was safely under Santana's arm with her head resting on her stomach. Quinn slipped an arm around Santana's waist as well and rested her head comfortably on Santana's shoulder so that way they were both laying on the brunette's body. She relaxed in her arms. And it felt so good, so safe and so perfect there, that Quinn couldn't believe there could be any wrong in it. Santana's arms were strong, and her body warm.

"Well she's not the only one sleepy, a sexy woman interrupted my sweet dreams this morning. Any idea of who it was?" Santana said after kissing her forehead. Her tone was as playfully affectionate as the action which had accompanied her words.

"No idea. But if I find her I'm sure she will regret it."

Santana chuckled deeply and Quinn's eyes shot back up to her. Her lips fell open and she couldn't tear her eyes away from Santana's simply because of that incredible sound.

She was just about to peck her lips when Beth's voice called out to her.

"I'm hungry."

Santana smiled and removed the arm that was currently around Quinn to hold Beth, making eye contact with her daughter. Santana kissed yet again Beth's cheek and Quinn's heart fluttered.

It was a nice moment, just like every moment now; day and night. Every second of every day was full of these wonderful moments.

Suddenly everything started to fall into place.

"You want some chocolate milk?" Santana asked and Beth shook her head.

"Pizza,"

"Pizza?" Santana laughed in joyful amazement. "I think pizza is not an option."

Her daughter looked so comfortable with Santana and it was perfect. Beth already loved Santana and that really made her feel happy. They spend all the time together and they do all sorts of things together.

There are just a few sights more heart-warming than the view in front of her right now.

So again, how was her life before these three weeks?

She didn't remember.

"You're right, it's not." Quinn said as Santana grinned lazily at Beth, proving a fact.

"Told you."

"I'll make us a healthy breakfast, okay?"

"Alright boss, I'll be here with Beth. With my eyes closed, but here nonetheless."

Quinn allowed a happy little grin to steal across her as she stood up from bed, without realizing how Santana's eyes followed her every step.

* * *

Days off were fucking awesome.

Santana didn't know how much she missed the firefighter station until she started working again, but a day off was nice, too. Even more now that she had her big two loves living with her in her apartment. Well, they were not exactly living with her but they were at least staying in her apartment these days.

She was so happy, anyone could see it in her eyes. Santana was as happy as she had ever been in her life and she couldn't help but sing around the house everyday.

After the wonderful breakfast that Quinn made, Santana just sat on the couch with Beth playing on the floor below her before turning on the TV with some bored cartoons that her daughter loved. Quinn was getting ready to go, she needed to leave in a few minutes to an interview so Beth would stay with her; they both will be alone for the first time without Quinn and Santana didn't know why she was kind of nervous about it.

What if Beth starts to cry? What if she misses Quinn? What would Santana do?

She loves her daughter more than she loves life—more than she loves herself. She tells her daughter she loves her about 138 times a day. How not to? Elizabeth was the cutest baby alive; the perfect mix between her and Quinn. A flawless snub nose, beautiful slightly pink cheeks, full puffy lips, dimples that appear to tease and taunt any admirers, a blonde hair like a golden sunset, and the most gorgeous innocent pairs of light brown eyes.

She got Quinn's looks, mostly. But she got Santana's temper.

Her daughter was really pretty, but her temperament difficult to handle sometimes. Santana still didn't know what to do with her alone because Quinn had been there all the time and she was really useless to this new motherhood thing. Besides, Beth asked for Puck a few days ago. Not that Santana would ever admit it to anyone but that broke her heart a little bit.

So what if Beth loved him more than her? What if her daughter prefer him?

Jeez, it was fucking obvious that she did love him more, but it was something natural and normal, right? Because Beth barely knew her after all.

Her thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a loud shouting of "Elizabeth!" Then something heavy, metallic fell on her bare feet emptying all the air out of her lungs.

"Shit!" Santana whimpered, her head down in pain, leaving her unable to catch a good quality breath.

She was so distracted that never noticed Beth grabbing the damn vase over the coffee-table.

"I told you not to touch those things!" Said Quinn before walking toward them with a towel still on her head wearing a worried expression.

"I wanted to show Tanny the vase." Beth said pouting, and her eyes blazed with comic horror. Her words still weren't clear enough but Santana had learned how to decipher them.

And she smiled at her nickname. The pain in her feet already forgotten. _Tanny_ was the first thing Beth tried to say to her because Santana was way too long of a name and apparently difficult to pronounce to her daughter.

The word mom was still out of the question.

"Hey, don't worry my little chipmunk. It doesn't hurt." Oh but it did hurt. A lot. Santana bent down to pick her up and noticed that Beth was crying. Tears spilled from her eyes and streaked down her pretty face. Santana sat her on her lap and Beth immediately buried her face on her neck, her soul melted completely with the little girl in her arms. "Your mommy is exaggerating, please don't cry."

"I'm not exaggerating, she needs to understand when she's not allowed to do or touch something." Their glances met, and then gradually the seriousness of Quinn's look melted into a smile. Quinn made her voice stern, just for Beth, and was kind of hot, actually. But couldn't quite keep the smile off her face when Santana looked at her. "And judging by your face I would say that it did hurt, liar."

Santana rolled her eyes and raised her eyebrows. Almost offended. "Absolutely not."

Quinn giggled teasingly, fluttering her eyelashes. Then stepped toward them and her faint, sweet scent winding through Santana's senses immediately. Like a moth to a well-tended flame, Quinn drew closer and closer until Santana was trapped in her inescapable spell. She leaned down to kiss her cheek and Santana's eyes fluttered closed, her lips parted ever so slightly.

 _Goddammit this woman and her sweetness._

Quinn walked away back to their room and Santana stared at her dumbfounded for awhile.

It was strange the way she loved Quinn, an almost casual love, as if loving her were simply a matter of course, too natural to mention. Like their first meeting on that coffee-shop when she'd hardly so much as glanced at her. Santana thought that she was looking for perfection and she was in fact _her_ perfection.

As Quinn disappeared into the room, she felt it.

Santana didn't want to open her eyes when she felt it. The small kiss felt like a dance, a harmonious and beauiful dance full of life. Beth kissed her cheek in such a tender way and looked at her still with teary eyes.

"Sorry." She murmured.

Santana's smile widened; she just couldn't help it. "Don't worry baby girl, really. I don't care. It doesn't even hurt."

She noticed a look that it was purely Quinn, and her chest ached. Beth and Quinn shared the same tenderness in her eyes, Their eyes were always so shiny so it was impossible to know whether their eyes were watering because of tears or not.

"Let's just forget about it okay?"

"Okay," Beth said, rubbing her eyes tiredly. Santana always thought that babies were prettier and cuter when they belong to someone else. But how wrong she was.

"Okay," Santana repeated with a grin, squeezing Beth's sides affectionately. "So now I'm going back to bed, want to tag along?" Beth didn't reply right away, but she rested her head against Santana's chest once more and that was answer enough. Santana took that as a yes.

She walked back to their room with Beth in her arms and when she reached the bedroom, she noticed Quinn in the bathroom applying the last details before go.

She looked gorgeous in a casual but chic outfit, tight jeans, a white blouse and that coat that Santana loved how it looked on her, her hair was free, the long, loose curls cascading down her shoulders and back. Quinn looked like she was perfectly ready to pose for a magazine cover and her own distinctive perfume was already mingling with the exotic scent of her hair.

"Alright, I'm ready." She announced, emerging from the bathroom.

"Ready? More like _fucking_ ready." Santana agreed with a chuckle.

She carefully placed Beth under the covers and handed her the feeding bottle, turning on the TV on some stupid baby show about elephants. Beth was already closing her eyes again and Santana couldn't help but smile.

She could swear she could feel her heart starting to become inflamed as she watched her daughter devolp everyday before her eyes. The rising of each sun held the promise of another adventure to be had and another day of discovery to be unfolded. Beth was perfect, Santana was happy simply knowing that she was safe and happy too. She loved her giggles and the laughter. She loved the small kisses and the hugs. There wasn't much she didn't like about being a mom; she loved even the ugly parts. If there was any.

"That habit is indisputably yours, you know." Quinn said from behind her. Santana gave a small sigh when she felt Quinn's arms around her. She breathed a long breath in and a longer breath out and closed her eyes as Quinn's fragile hands slid under her sweatshirt.

"Which habit?" Santana turned around, she pushed her own hand up flat onto the space between Quinn's chest and throat. The words seemed to bounce off every light in the room and down the hall. The sound of rain on her window was really calming. Not as calming as Quinn's hands now on her cheeks though.

"The habit of sleep in, wake up and then sleep again." Quinn kissed her jaw and cheek. Santana felt the longing where her kiss had begun tingling near her ear. But almost as a reflex, she rubbed her ear against her shoulder and edged a little further into Quinn's embrace, fire streaking through her veins. She didn't know why she was especially ticklish when Quinn's lips touch her anywhere, maybe just because of her softness. "And she's just as ticklish as you are."

"In my case, I'm only ticklish when your lips are involved," Santana objected and Quinn smiled. It was magic. Her magic was something Santana could never articulate, not even to herself, because Quinn was ever changing, ever leaving her mystified.

She leaned in until she could smell Quinn's mint breath, and under that, the scent of her body lotion. Santana's eyes traced her face from her forehead to her chin, then she pressed her lips to Quinn's gently as Quinn's hands went to her shoulders and she kissed her back right away, making Santana's heart thump in her chest.

She lifted her head, breathing hard already, tilted her head and stroking her tongue over Quinn's bottom lip and then taking advantage of the sigh that parted her lips and granted her access to the sweetest mouth she'd been dreaming about.

Quinn tangled her fingers in her hair, striving to be closer. A deep half sigh, half groan purred from the back of her throat. Her tongue met hers with abandon and Santana felt the heat stroking her entire body.

She pulled back several delicious moments later, not even close to being done with her.

"I've got to go." Quinn said. She leaned over and kissed Santana on the forehead, a kiss so full of affection that it dispelled her obtuseness, even as it caused her heart to plummet, because all kisses are calibrated, and this one revealed the great chasm between affection and love. This so big love between them.

God, she lived for the way Quinn's face melted into softness as she kisses her, as she slept safe in the strength of her arms, as the way her hand slid into hers; a fragile, tentative hold almost lost in her palm.

Quinn smiled against her skin and rubbed her jaw along her collar bone, pulling the scent of her deeply into Santana's lungs. She was so enchanted by Quinn's beauty that she forgot how to think for a moment.

She nodded to Quinn's previous words anyhow, pecking her lips one more time before walking her to the front door. She opened it for Quinn and offered her a tight hug.

"Good luck babe,"

"Thank you."

"See you at lunch." The mischievous grin Santana gave her made Quinn's eyes narrow playfully.

Quinn nodded, and after one more smile she was out of the apartment and Santana headed quickly to the bathroom to shower.

* * *

One hour later, or less probably. Probably just thirty fucking minutes later—Santana opened her eyes again with the most annoying sound ever.

Who the fuck knocks the door when there's a really large bell next to the door anyway?

She looked at the wall clock and it was already one o'clock; two hours had passed, not thirty minutes. Quinn had been gone for more than two hours and that made Santana frown.

It must be her anyway, but she had keys which still was weird.

Beth was still comfortably sleeping next to her so Santana got up carefully.

She walked sleepy towards the front door but when she opened it, she didn't expect to see her friend standing there. Her eyes opened and she swallowed hard as she met her gaze.

"Rachel?" It wasn't meant to sound that way, but her voice was kinda cold and distant.

"I was around here and decide to stop by," Rachel grinned brightly up at Santana. "Can I come in?"

Santana just looked at her friend for awhile no able to breathe properly. She couldn't trust her own emotions. Which emotional reactions were justified, if any? She found herself fiercely limiting her emotional reactions, chastising herself for possible distortions and misunderstandings.

After all, she hadn't seen her friend since that kiss about a month ago.

"Um, yeah come in." She said reluctantly.

Santana closed the door behind them and followed Rachel to the couch, sitting on the edge opposite to her.

She looked down at her hands, suddenly finding them very interesting, they were sweaty. She was nervous, so freaking nervous and she was hiding the fact that she was on the verge of barfing.

"How are you?" Rachel asked softly.

Santana looked at her, unhurriedly, watching Rachel's hair fresh from the bath, her expressive face completely free of cosmetic powder and paint and her slight but elegant figure. If anything, it seemed like Rachel wasn't just around here and stopped by.

"I'm okay, you?"

"Fine thank you." She pursed her lips in concentration, swiveling her head to continue her survey of Santana's modest living space. "So where's Quinn?"

"Not here." Santana quickly answered, she didn't think it was relevant to tell her friend she was out in an interview for a job to teach art in some elementary school.

Not that Rachel cared anyway.

"And where's Beth?"

"Sleeping."

The air filled with awkwardness then. The floor beneath her lurched suddenly, and a movement from the other side of the couch in which she sat startled her. Her brown eyes flashed upwards. Rachel was now sitting right next to her. Maybe, too close for her liking. Santana looked at her and cocked her head as if she did not understand. She could feel Rachel's eyes searching hers for a response. And the feel of Rachel's breath close to her ear sent shivers crawling down her back.

She caught Santana's attention with a subtle touch, tracing the exposed skin of Santana's wrist with her fingers until they came to rest over her hand. Sighing, she placed her shaky fingers between Santana's fingers, her thumb caressed the back of her hand as she gazed into her face.

For two best friends, the gesture felt completely wrong.

"Don't, please." Santana whispered, pulling her hands off of Rachel's.

Rachel's cheeks were already wet, her eyes puffy and red. Santana had hurt her and Rachel almost laughed, Santana could see it on her face, but it caught in her throat. Ashamed, Rachel looked to the floor and brought her hands together, picking at her nails nervously. The vulnerable image of her friend culminated in a hurricane of emotions that Santana could barely survive without her heart bursting from its place within her chest.

"Can we just pretend that it never happened?"

Rachel looked at Santana as if she just said the stupidest thing in the world. "I can't."

"But—"

"I don't think I can go back to being just your friend, Santana. That's the thing."

"Jeez," Santana managed in a guttural tone as Rachel kept looking at her, more curious than anything. "I mean why do you even like me? I thought we were friends." A tear shone from the corner of Rachel's right eye, a glistening bead that caught the light, shining as it slowly ran down her pale cheek. "You're getting in the way of my relationship with Quinn."

"Well I'm very glad I happen to be in the way,"

Suddenly, Santana doubled over as a wave of emotion filled her. At first she could not place it; but then, as her brow furrowed and hands clenched, she knew. It was rage. It soon subsided. She didn't knew why Rachel awakened such a terrible anger inside of her in that moment, but soon it turned into confusion.

"So you're glad that you could ruin the only good thing that has happened to your friend in her whole life just for a stupid _crush_?"

"It's not a crush!"

Before Santana could say anything, a peal of thunder broke across the sky outside, and the sound seemed to shake the entire building. It was comforting somehow, and helped to slow the frantic beating of her heart.

She kept her gaze on Rachel, but Rachel looked away and refused to meet her eyes. She shifted in her seat, taking deep breaths and looking out the window to her left.

Santana felt confused. She was unsure now of who had hurt whom.

She wanted so badly to reach out and comfort Rachel, but she held back. Something inside her still told that it was a bad idea.

"Do you... love me?" She asked sincerely, searching Rachel's eyes desperately, obviously hoping she was pulling some kind of trick on her.

This sure as hell escalated rather quickly.

"I don't." Rachel started and swallowed. "I mean, I don't know." She shook her head. "No. I don't think so." She bit the inside of her cheek nervously.

"Then why can't we move on?" She asked, Santana looked even more confused than she had already been, the urge to know overwhelmed her.

The woman before her shook her head again, "I wish it could be that easy."

Santana really hated how she did understand Rachel. She hated the situation and she hated herself in this moment. She reached out a hand to touch her and ran her fingers hesitantly over the hard muscles of Rachel's shoulder.

"I just can't see you in that way, I'm sorry."

"But you don't know! What if we try? You can't be sure about something if you haven't tried. You did kiss me back after all, you must have felt something."

And she did, but it was just a nice feeling, the feeling you get when you enjoy a kiss, nothing else. It wasn't love.

Santana had been in that place before as well, with Quinn. She had been crazy about her and she still could remember how badly it hurt when she thought that Quinn didn't return her feelings. Because when you have strong feelings for someone, and they don't return them it really stings. When you love someone and that person doesn't love you back it can feel like your world is ending. The pain is very real, you can't control how you feel, but you can learn to get past the pain of romantic rejection and move on with your life. And Santana really needed Rachel to understand that because she still needed her best friend.

Maybe say 'It's not big deal' or 'I don't love you' could actually make it worse in the long run, but Santana thought that it was best to be honest.

She didn't want to hurt her friend but apparently she already did.

Who knows? Maybe years ago before meeting Quinn, it might have worked.

"I'm in love with Quinn, Rachel; I've been for the last five years." She gave her friend a sympathetic smile and squeezed her shoulder before removing her hand. "You deserve someone special who could love you back, the fact that I can't return your love doesn't mean that no one will."

Rachel opened her mouth to speak, but shut it quickly a few times. "But I don't want anyone else." Rachel said stubbornly. It seemed like it didn't matter what Santana say or how she say it. "This is already humiliating enough, if you only give me a chance to show you—"

Rachel didn't finish her sentence however, not because the words never came out of her mouth but because in that exact moment Quinn decided to arrive at Santana's apartment.

Santana didn't hear the sound of keys, nor the door being opened either. But she did hear the sound of her pulse quickening and the blood rushing in her ears. She saw the paleness of Quinn's face, the evidence of shock in her eyes. Quinn looked back and forth between the two of them and slowly put the bags she was carrying over the table.

Another thunder racked the sky as Santana took in Quinn's presence, she was soaking wet given the rain outside.

"What the hell is she doing here?" Her eyes narrow dangerously and her voice was low. She looked directly at Santana ignoring Rachel's presence altogether.

Quinn's frightened face and postured only showed insecurity as her eyes were torn between frustration and concern. And Santana wondered when that would stop.

"I don't know" Rachel mentioned to herself before stood up, and Santana followed the motion. With a quick movement of her hand, Rachel wiped away the tears that were filling her eyes. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing here." She said and started walking as fast as she could towards the door.

"Rachel, wait please." Santana called after her as her friend walked away. But it took Rachel only four seconds to be out of sight.

She didn't owe Rachel anything, she knew it, but the more she thought about what just happened, the more pissed off she got. With Quinn, with Rachel, with the world. Something deep inside nagged at her. A raw, edgy sensation she couldn't shake.

She looked at Quinn then, and her eyes were fearful as well, but different. They were afraid, but not because Quinn may be upset about Rachel being there, because her eyes just reflected something else.

With a remarkable frown and replacing the feeling of anger for confusion, Santana made her way towards Quinn. And when Quinn saw Santana approaching she quickly looked away.

Something felt weird, something felt like it wasn't right, something felt different.

She confirmed that ugly sensation when she was standing right in front of Quinn. Her jaw was red and had large swelling, it looked painful and Santana's frown only deepened.

"What the hell happened to you?" She inquired irritated, she didn't know why.

"Where is Beth?" Quinn asked instead, she glared at Santana for a moment longer before dropping her gaze.

"Sleeping,"

Quinn nodded and tried to walk past Santana, but Santana quickly grabbed her arm softly and turned her around.

"I'm asking you what happened Q, that looks bad. Did you fell or something?"

"Something like that," Quinn was a terrible liar. Santana knew she was lying. She had a guilty look all over her face.

Santana carefully grabbed her chin and lifted her face to get some sense of what was going on. And the more she watched her, the more she knew what it was.

Blood gushed out from Santana's body, she felt anger rise up in her, hotter than any dragon's breath. And the big mistake was that Santana allowed the anger to take over her body completely. Because if you look close enough, you could clearly see mark of fingers. She jumped to the obvious conclusion.

"I'm going to ask you again Quinn, what the fuck happened." Her voice sounded threatening, but it wasn't. It was just out of concern.

"What was Rachel doing here?" Quinn's face transformed from nervousness to sadness in seconds.

"She just stopped by," Santana wasn't lying, she was just telling half of the truth, right? "Can you please tell me why your jaw is all swollen and reddish?"

The room was silent for a while. She couldn't quite figure out what it was but something felt weird. And judging from the expression on Quinn's face, something was definitely wrong here.

Then Quinn's voice came back on, quiet and slightly ashamed.

"I got the job," She grinned sweetly crinkling her nose, pleased with herself. And thanks to Quinn's smile, Santana's uneasiness calmed down a little bit and she gave her a half smile.

"Congratulations." She leaned in and kissed Quinn's cheek, just the lightest touch of lips as she dropped her hand from Quinn's chin. "And?"

"And I was so happy and distracted that I just fell in the stairs on my way here." She shrugged unimportant with a smile much brighter than before. "Now can we have lunch? I brought Chinese food."

Quinn stepped back, oblivious to Santana's worries about her. Soon Quinn was out of her reach and headed towards the bedroom, leaving just a flowery fragrance behind and Santana standing there dumbfounded.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, wondering what the hell just happened.

Something wasn't right, she had a bad feeling.


	15. Chapter 15

_She had been thinking a lot about what was going on in the world. It was hard not to have war on her mind when it was all that she see. And here she was._

 _She heard the shots ring out all around her. She felt pain, she was shot or so it seemed. But she needed to keep her eyes open because many people depended on her. The pain was almost unbearable though. She heard shouting; still her eyes remained on what was in front of her, a large river._

 _Her world was going grey, she knew she wouldn't make it through the night._

 _She had in her hand a gun and in her pocket a letter from her girl._

 _Santana then felt something warm on her hand that had moved to where she felt the pain. The shooting had stopped for now. She looked down to see red liquid all over her hand._ _She didn't look at her wound though. Instead, she took the letter in her pocket and read the last line Quinn wrote to her ten months ago._

 ** _'...please come back home soon. I miss you.'_**

 _The world soon became dark. She knew she wasn't coming home anytime soon. Today she fought hard and today she died._

 _Santana never thought that it would be quiet like this; an overwhelming silence that chills her to the bone. She had heard of too many nights like this, where a surprise attack from the enemy comes forth from the darkness. Every whisper that a fellow soldier mutters, every footstep in the sticky mud that squished in a nauseating squirt, is heard throughout the trench._

 _She used to be scared to go to sleep. She was scared the echoes of blasting shells would fill her head and her dreams with the horrors of the world around her. The sounds: the screams of her dying comrades, the sickening whistle a falling shell makes as it plummets from the sky, filling her with panic and dread that in a few seconds her life could end, the alarming siren that sounds, screeching at them soldiers to put their gas masks on or die a terrible, painful death, drowning in their own blood, filling their minds with the paranoia that they would be next._

 _It was too much for one person to take, maybe after all, she wasn't strong enough._

 _Santana doubted the higher ranking generals knew what it was like to lose one's mind. "Fight and protect your country!" They say. But fuck, they were all the way back there in USA where they were training more of them expendables to come and take Santana's place and take every other soldier's place._

 _They are nothing but the pawns of the upper ranks._

 _Her friends, they're dead. All dead, or dying, and they don't have to think about this anymore. They don't have to think about anything. They must be in heaven, forgetting about the hell of the war while she must endure this hell. This hell, where the living envy the dead._

 _She was alone lying in some corner of this hell of a jungle. Alone with her pain, no one was there to make it stop, no one was there to comfort her. Quinn wasn't there. She sacrificed everything for her comrades and commander; gave up all of herself, became a beast. Yet, here she was, alone._

 _Did they even notice her absence by now? Did they care?_

 _It burns. Her wounds burns. She just wants to be held in that moment, to be loved one last time for Quinn. Her breath slips away, the agony engulfs her, drawing her into its inky depths. But then a light came from no where._

 _What was this?_

 _Darkness—then light. Santana blinked profusely, the depths of her eyelids shielding her from the brightness that clawed at her pupils._ _A light, a light shines on her. Shining on her darkness, lessening her pain. A hand holds hers and gives it a gentle squeeze, but there is still the pain. It rocks her, permeating every inch as a single tear rolls down Santana's cheek, but a loving hand brushes it away._

 _Is she still alone?_

 _Her hand is lifted to someone's face. Tears dampen those cheeks too._

 _Who cries with her? Who puts her bloodstained hands to their lips?_

 _Who kisses her filthiness? Who whispers, "I love you"?_

 _No one._

 _No one could love her; she was alone. The darkness descends again, she was closing her eyes when she heard that voice._

 _"No, no!" She cries from somewhere far above. From the light she cries, "I love you, I still love you and will always love you."_

 _Her grip on her hand tightens, someone kisses her forehead and her breath felt so warm on her skin. She knew that softness, she knew those lips. A tear drops on her brow and Santana opens her eyes again. Light floods her eyes and fills her senses. The pain is still there, intense as ever, but so is she._

 _She catches her gaze with her loving eyes as they stream constant tears. "Please don't leave me."_

 _Quinn, is Quinn. Santana smiles up at her. She doesn't wants to die alone. The pain crashes down again, overwhelming her like the bloody tide. But Quinn is still there. Her gaze returns to her, so strong and naïve. Is Quinn's freedom and innocence she did not forget. She remembered how she looked when she laughed and her heart squeezed painfully._

 _Santana can't leave her._

 _She needs to try._

 _"Santana, get up!"_

 _Santana heard, and then, as swift as the fast moving current of the river five feet away from her, Quinn's lips were on hers._

 _Her tiredness evaporating immediately. She tried to stand, shocked, as her lips, warm and insistent, kissed her adamantly._

 _Santana's eyes fluttering, uncertain as to what this meant, She remained in a daze as Quinn moved closer. The kiss deepening as Quinn lifted a hand to her neck, tilting Santana's head up. Her hand on Santana's neck, warm and gentle on the sensitive skin, sent shivers racing through her, and the cautious side of her mind numbed by the shivers of delight._

 _"Hey Lopez!"_

 _Santana opens her eyes at the change of tone. And situation._

 _She opens her eyes to realize that Quinn isn't there, however, one of her comrades is; Mike Chang, extending a hand to help her._

 _"Let's get out of here now,"_

 _She accepted his hand and got up carefully. There was no sight of Quinn anywhere._ _She was just imagining her beautiful blonde_ _like water in the desert_ _, yet again._

 _Santana was still in hell, and Quinn was still not there._

She squeezed her eyes tight as the memory resurfaced against her will. The small _—_ semi explosion in the kitchen because Kurt didn't even know how to turn on the oven scared her a little bit and she subtly walked to the calm of her bedroom. Of course, Quinn followed her short minutes afterward.

Quinn leaned back from the kiss and reached up to rub the back of Santana's neck. Santana was sat on the bed, and Quinn currently stood between her legs with her arms around her shoulders. It was such a sweet kiss, such a gentle kiss and calming sensation. Her lips featherlight against hers, just like the kisses she used to imagine back in that hell.

Why did she have to have these memories anyway, or more like nightmares? Memories that would come back and haunt her in her sleep. Before, she used to cry herself back to sleep. Now it seemed like all the tears have gone away and she is left with this large aching tear in her soul. She wanted to fall into oblivion with these memories, because at that moment, she felt like she was missing something and she didn't want to miss. Santana didn't want that ache spreading across her chest like wildfire. She didn't have the energy to assist in ebbing the pain away anymore, but she needed to.

Quinn's brows furrowed as she stared back. "Are you okay?"

Santana smiled, "Yeah."

"Don't lie to me." She saw Quinn's warm stare as she brushed her hair away from her face with her delicate fingers. The touch so gentle that she barely felt it. Her gorgeous face glittered like a thousand suns in the moonlight and that made Santana grin like an idiot.

She grabbed Quinn's hand and pressed fervent kisses on her skin, enjoying the softness against her lips. "I'm fine babe, don't worry."

Quinn looked closer at her, as if the answer was written on her eyes. Santana knew that she didn't believe her, but Quinn still leaned down and kissed her gently one more time.

"We can talk about it later okay? Now I'll help Kurt in the kitchen, otherwise he's going to burn everything." She said softly as she walked away.

Santana exhaled.

The pressure behind her eyes increasing. She just couldn't stop thinking about how broken she must look. Her head rolled lifelessly to one side as she saw Beth happily sleeping, taking a nap.

She really needed to move on, Santana needed to be strong enough for her and for Quinn. Moving on with her life wasn't a problem as long as she could forget about the war so it shouldn't be that hard. It wasn't okay having those thoughts and nightmares.

What happened stays in the past and that's it.

Yes, that's what she was going to do. Forget about it, forget about everything that happened in the last two years of her life and focus only on her family.

She kissed Beth's forehead and stood up from bed. Her beautiful daughter didn't want to sleep on her crib anymore; Santana needed to vacate the other room in her apartment that was full of useless things to start preparing Beth's room, that way they all will be more comfortable.

As she walked down the hall, she heard Quinn's laugh. She stopped for a moment and leaned on the door frame, watching Quinn grinning carefree and talking with Kurt as they kept cooking for lunch. Her own face broke out in a smile, so wide it turned her eyes into a light brown. She observed Quinn warily for awhile. She had a much more darker mark on her chin which looked now like a bruise. Quinn's story still didn't convince her but every time she tried to ask what happened Quinn would brush off the subject.

And as a matter of fate, their conversation changed precisely to that topic, and they still haven't realized she was there.

The lump in her throat didn't alleviate, only constricted.

"So you're not going to tell her?" Kurt asked in his usual concern voice now, the tone slightly wry.

"For what purpose?" Quinn said quickly, nervously brushing her hands down the front of her black and gray knee-length dress. "You know how impulsive she is, I don't want to cause her more trouble and I don't want her getting hurt. It's not a big deal."

"But he hit you, that's a really big deal."

And that was it.

Anger took over her brain and her body in a heartbeat.

"He didn't, he just grabbed my jaw very hard, okay? I'm not going to tell Santana and neither are you."

Santana felt herself start to close her eyes. She exhaled, her ears rang. Her stomach churned in the ugliest way possible as she breathed in deeply and swallowed hard. A sudden empty feeling overtaking her as the realization of Quinn being touch by someone set into her. She was even concerned because when she was angry, she gets crazed, and she always wants to kill people or at least beat the hell out of someone.

Kill that fucking bastard who dared to touch Quinn.

She really wanted to break something in that moment. It was more than just fury though, it was fury induced by a sense of betrayal. She could barely _breathe_ without the sharp ache in her chest.

"Who the fuck did it?" Her voice was dangerously low.

Quinn and Kurt turned around and they froze in place.

Santana didn't trust her next move, and she sure as hell didn't trust the hot blood that was pumping fast in her veins. Images of someone hurting Quinn suddenly came to mind and she felt faint.

Kurt and Quinn stepped forward to the center, her friend chewed his lip anxiously while Quinn seemed ready to disappear. She looked up at her, her lips parting, but her gorgeous hazel eyes did not move upward to hers when she spoke.

"It's nothing."

"It was Puck." Kurt said at the same time. And then everything just changed for the worse.

The look on Quinn's face frightened her so much that it numbed her ability to feel. A shocked and scared face jerked away from Santana to glare at Kurt; there was a distinct guilty tinge to Kurt's expression, and the sudden stab of sympathy.

Anger seared through Santana like hot iron, her heart raced like a horse in a race.

She needed to pay Puck a little visit. Right fucking now.

She turned around and opened the door, but soon a soft hand with an incredible force was on her wrist.

"You'll stay here." Quinn demanded, but Santana could hear the fear in her voice. She could see a flicker of horror in Quinn's eyes; it seemed like Quinn's world collapsed so very slowly that Santana failed to notice it.

But she wasn't having any of it, she needed to leave and make sure that Puck wouldn't get close to Quinn or Beth ever again. She wanted to strangle him and make him bleed.

"Get your hands off me Quinn."

"I'm fine, okay? Please stay, I'll explain it to you."

"I'm not going to let some dickhead, or anyone for that matter touch you in any fucking way. Now please, let go of me." Her tone was rough and dry.

But Quinn didn't let her go. She just tightened even more her grip on Santana's wrist. Tears were already streaming down Quinn's cheeks but Santana didn't even bother to wipe them away.

She looked over at Kurt uncertainly, as if she needed moral support to convince Quinn. But he shook his head eagerly.

"Calm down first." Kurt said seriously, but she wasn't about to calm the fuck down with what she just hear.

Santana couldn't even begin to describe how badly it hurt to breathe; with every inhale she felt an acute, abrupt piercing where her lungs were.

She heard them telling her to relax and stay calm. She couldn't relax though. She felt like part of her was dying, and she wanted to tell Kurt and Quinn to back off because she would die just to give Puck a piece of his mind for doing what he did to Quinn.

The rage was settling itself in her stomach. Despite the pain prickling her body constantly given the amount of desire to hit something, someone specifically, she made sure to make herself perfectly clear with her useless friend.

"Stay here with her, you understand?" She said to Kurt, her expression dark and scary, the intensity of her words with the whole wretched situation made Santana feel bleak. She struggled to keep her breathing in check, but her voice still held significance.

She could barely turn her head; but she still freed herself from Quinn's grasp and turned around to open the door, leaving behind Quinn calling her name and Kurt grabbing her waist.

Puck was about to learn how to treat women.

* * *

She had no problem finding Puck's house because she remembered from the last time she drove Quinn here for more clothes and stuff.

It was Sunday, and who the fuck work on Sundays? Hopefully she was going to find him here.

The house was really big and painted with a colonist red. There were thick trees on each side of the big concrete and the stairs really well maintained. It almost seemed that someone important was living here.

Santana clenched her teeth and continued to look straight ahead, she knocked twice. Her mind already imagining ways to break his bones, she wanted to fucking kill him. But psychological torture first.

Several moments later the door opened, and there he was.

The image of him made Santana feel nauseous.

He wore a tight white shirt that had a wide neckline, black pants. His green, or maybe brown eyes were fixated on Santana. She could make out every detail of his disgusting face. He had a long, sharp nose, a pointed chin, and sharply sculpted cheekbones and jaw, his eyebrows were thin and he was considerably tanned for this time of the year. And on top of that, he was smirking, a fucking smirk that Santana would like to smack off his ugly face, but she held back that impulse.

So apparently, this was the man, this was the man who replaced her. This man standing right in front of her, was the lucky guy who kissed Quinn for two years, who touched her, who spent day and night with her woman. This coward, was the man who Quinn chose when she wasn't around and this fucking coward was the man who dared to hit Quinn.

 _You're just jealous_ , a voice echoed inside her head, the words burn through her ears. But it was impossible to be jealous, nothing to be jealous of.

She was not the jealous type of person, maybe the insecure type. And the fact that Quinn was pretty much perfect, made everything more complicated. She was sorry she get angry at little stuff, but that always was because she get scared that maybe she was not enough, she felt sorry that Quinn must deal with her, but she just couldn't help her insecurities.

Puck's eyes were suddenly animated with interest as he dropped his hands from his pocket. He stepped back to let her in, as if he knew who she was already, and Santana without any doubt walked in; wondering what sort of trouble she had gotten herself into.

The inside was cramped, the furniture all clustered together. In one corner a wooden table with three chairs. In another the kitchen complete with a stove, a refrigerator and a tiny cupboard. A hallway and then the stairs. A single TV in the living room and a small plant over the coffee table. It was certainly cramped. Everything about this place screamed loneliness.

"You must be Santana, Quinn's sweetheart." He had said Quinn's name in a possessive, controlling tone. And it annoyed Santana to no end.

She turned and caught his eye, she glared at him. "And you must be Puck, the piece of shit whom Quinn dumped."

"Piece of shit." He said in a mockingly high voice before sitting on the couch and grabbing a half empty bottle of beer that was on the coffee table.

She couldn't understand how someone like Quinn, so innocent and pure could be with someone like him.

The tension between them was palpable, and it was not tension of the good kind. Santana gave the ring on Puck's finger a cold hard stare then fixed the same gaze on him. Her chest jerked up and down as she attempted to slow her breathing and calm herself down enough to think clearly.

"You like this?" Puck asked archly when he realized what Santana was looking at, lifting his ring finger to display his marriage symbol with a smirk. "I can remember how we celebrated _all night."_ His jaw twitched, and his tone became even more malicious. The word hissed around Santana's head like a snake inside her. "You have no idea the things she can do."

He traveled his hand down along his chest slowly until he reached his crotch, grabbing his own shaft and biting his lip.

This awakened a fury in Santana that she hadn't known existed before, her anger was like blasts of icy fire; so cold that it burned not only the superficial, but deep inside as well, right in her chest, where her heart was supposed to be. She came in with the intention of play with Puck's mind and feelings for a while before finally kick his balls but she wasn't able to control herself anymore.

Puck was comfortably sitting on the couch, Santana quickly got closer and he whimpered when she yanked him to his feet by his neck. It was so obvious and fantastic that he could barely breathe as she squeezed him to the point that she thought she might make him collapse. The idea of suffocating him to death truly excited her; Puck, attempted to kick her where it hurt the most _—_ between her legs, but Santana's legs were positioned in such a way that it was near impossible. Battle techniques.

But then, Puck smashed a fist into her face. Blood spurted from her nose and lip. He inhaled a deep breath through his nose, growled, and bounded towards her kicking Santana right in her stomach. The kick was so strong that Santana's hands clutched her abdomen in an attempt to keep her intestines from spilling out, feeling her heart stop beating for a moment. She however, quickly recovered.

"You're a tough kind of soldier," Puck commented as he grabbed the now empty bottle of beer in his hand. "This will be interesting."

He attempted to hit her head with the thick bottle but Santana quickly catch his wrist. She punched Puck in his stomach so hard he almost puked on her. Then she tried to punch him in the face again but he blocked the punch with his hand; however, Santana's strength was great enough to knock him far back regardless. He tumbled backwards and groaned as he slowly got back on his feet.

Puck tried to kick Santana in the stomach once more, but Santana swerved to evade the attack. She knew she had to work through the pain and keep fighting, this coward who dared lay a violent hand on Quinn still needed a lot of bruises. She kicked him really hard between his legs making him groan in immense pain, then punched him three times across the face, and when Puck managed to forget about the pain in his dick and face for a moment and tried to attack her with a kick, she swerved to the side to evade him, and punched him in the nose again, causing great pain to fall upon her hand. She kicked him hard in his ribs then, causing Puck to throw up blood as he fell to his knees.

Santana panted lightly for a moment, she saw a wooden chair near her and didn't think about it twice before break it on Puck's back; he cried out and closed his eyes as he lay motionless. She smirked, but unfortunately that satisfaction she felt did not last long. She needed more blood, more broken bones, but killing someone was a crime and she didn't want to be in jail. Not now that she had a daughter.

"Stay away from Quinn and Beth." Santana warned him, wiping blood from her mouth and talking to an already unconscious Puck, his drunk body racked with inaudible sobs and she almost felt sorry for him; almost. "You should feel lucky you're still breathing, asshole."

She turned around to leave but then she saw a trembling dog under the table watching all the scene and she walked over there, it must be Freddy, so she quickly took him in her arms and walked out of there with him.

* * *

Santana took a deep breath as she knocked on the familiar door. There was no way in hell she was going straight to her apartment in this condition. Her bottom lip needed to look a little more normal and she needed to change her bloodstained clothes, otherwise Quinn would go crazy.

Santana sweated profusely, breathing hard as she tried to control the pain in her hand, Freddy was sure as hell a little bit overweight.

The door opened after short seconds, and a curious smile matched her own as Rachel looked between her and the dog in her arms. Then when her friend took in her appearance her small smile was replaced with a gasp.

"I need your help Rachel."


	16. Chapter 16

"So let me get this straight; you drove from your apartment to his house, punched him nonstop and left him alone and unconscious and then you stole his dog just because he grabbed Quinn's jaw a little too hard?" Rachel asked Santana as she kept trying to soak up some of the blood with a wet towel.

Santana's heart pounded and the adrenaline rushed through her head just to think about Puck again.

Her friend pulled the front of her shirt up and placed some ice over the skin as gently as she could.

Despite the water that she already drank, Santana's mouth was dry and aching almost to the point of pain. Her back was aching, her stomach was aching. Everything was fucking aching.

"Something like that." She pursed her lips in thought. "But Freddy is Quinn's dog, so technically I didn't steal anything."

Rachel looked at her as if she was finally witnessing the day when her friend lost her mind. Santana found herself breathless when striking dark eyes met her own. Rachel only smiled with that fucking sad tinge in her eyes, and it made Santana feel horrible with herself. She released a breath she didn't know she was holding.

She could see how much Rachel really cared for her as she took a cloth and started to wipe the blood from her bottom lip. She couldn't do much, but she offered what little help she could actually give.

The special affection she felt for her grew a little bit more.

The dog then proceeded to lick Rachel's shoes and she averted her eyes from Santana, seeking her new found interest.

"I'd have done the same for you, you know." She said suddenly. There wasn't an ounce of viciousness in her tone, nor did her face show a wide expectant smirk, she was only saying the truth. She was, and no one could deny her words.

Incredulously, she looked over her shoulder and stared at Santana once again. Rachel's hair was in a high pony tail, and even then it looked long. The sun made her dark hair look darker but beautiful nonetheless. Silence ensued and Santana knew Rachel was blatantly staring, her friend kept holding eye contact and then she stared at her lips; but Santana began to feel kind of uncomfortable so she quickly gazed down to the ice against her naked stomach.

"You're making things more hard than already are."

The stolen moment was dispelled, they both looked away, and reality was set. It didn't matter what that meant, anyway. Santana knew she was never going to see her friend in that way.

Maybe it was unfair to Rachel hearing her say things like that after all.

"I didn't mean it like that." She awkwardly reaffirmed.

Rachel proceeded to clean up the wounds in her left hand with slight annoyance. "I do know, believe me. You made yourself perfectly clear a week ago."

Santana mentally face slapped herself and wondered when they reached this point of uncertainty and weirdness in their friendship.

Though perhaps, things always were a little too weird between them since the beginning.

 _She watched her as if she had somehow sensed her all this time, she recognized the girl from some of her classes. Their eyes met from across the room and Santana gave her a smile, then deliberately turned back toward the conversation she was in._

 _Santana thought that a big party to celebrate Junior year was the best fucking way to start classes. So she suggested the idea to her friend Kurt and he quickly accepted._

 _She never knew that half of school would be there though. And now her friend was mad at her because the party was in his house while his dad was away in some business trip or some shit and all the people there were already drunk._

 _She didn't care though, Santana only shrugged unimportant when Kurt said so and kept talking with some Freshman girl._

 _It was Friday night for God's sake, what was the big deal?_

 _Soon she felt a hand on her shoulder._

 _"Hey," The stranger she had been looking at a moment ago said way too happy. "I'm new at school, I saw you in some of my classes this week and I thought it would be nice to meet people tonight."_

 _Santana looked at her funny, arching her eyebrow._

 _The girl's smile only grew, she had a contagious smile. It was already past midnight so obviously any young girl or boy who were still in this party were certainly not here for innocent purposes. Still—who was to say that this girl couldn't have some fun, too?_

 _"What's your name?" Santana asked above the roar of the music, ignoring all together the other girl in front of her._

 _She leaned close._

 _"My name is Rachel Berry" She said. "And your name?"_

 _Santana chuckled, a low and vibrating sound._

 _She wasn't drunk, just a little tipsy, and this Rachel chick was clearly intoxicated. But most of the students were; they were wasted and so full of the glory of being young and alive and in the capital of the world that she could hardly contain herself._

 _It seemed like Santana was the only one who really could hold her liquor._

 _"I have no name." She joked. The other girl, finally boring with the lack of attention Santana was giving her walked away._

 _Rachel grinned, but someone was suddenly between them, a tall, powerfully built person. He ripped Rachel's hand off of Santana's shoulder._

 _"You promised me a dance awhile ago." He growled, all too close to the young girl._

 _"Sorry, I do not have the energy to dance anymore."_

 _He grabbed Rachel's elbow with a smirk. "Then we could do something else."_

 _"Hey," Santana suddenly_ _interfered_ _, she didn't want to grab the attention of anyone there. "She already said no, buddy." She warned._

 _The young man looked at Santana up and down, knowing she was the Queen of school and could easily make his life a living hell._ _He quickly held up his hands._

 _"My mistake." He said, but winked at Rachel before he disappeared into the crowd._

 _Santana whirled to face her._

 _"You're drunk," She told her. "And he knew it, too."_

 _Someone dancing wildly crashed into her and set her reeling. Santana caught Rachel around the waist, her hands firm on her as she kept her from falling to the ground._

 _"Just because we'll be friends now doesn't mean I'm suddenly incapable of handling myself." Rachel grinned and Santana couldn't help but smile at her innocence._

 _"Let me take you home." She glanced toward the party that was just as_ _full as it was hours ago_ _. Kurt and some guy were still deep in their conversation so she decided it was time to do the good action of the day and walk this n_ _aive girl to her home_ _. "You'll thank me in the morning."_

Rachel's phone rang from her bedroom and she stood up from the couch.

"Wait a minute." She said before walking in the direction of her room.

With a grimace, carefully, Santana raised the ice that was on her stomach and placed it on her lip. She had to end with the swelling, otherwise Quinn would go crazy.

Well, she was sure anyhow that she wouldn't look nice enough even with hours of ice against her skin and lips. She developed blue and purple bruising on her stomach aside of her wounded hand and the small cut on her lip. Quinn surely would notice it. But honestly, she would do it over and over again in the same circumstances.

She wouldn't let anything happen to Quinn as long as her breath is in her.

She would protect her and Beth. Against everything.

Her mind suddenly resurged when she saw Rachel standing in front of her with a gray t-shirt in her hands.

Rachel's eyes were curious again, expressionless. Santana placed the bag of ice over the coffee-table and accepted the shirt.

She looked up at her and suddenly she didn't know how to proceed next.

There was no easy, comfortable way to handle things when romantic feelings developed in a friendship. Santana really found Rachel's affection flattering and she couldn't really blame her for feelings she didn't choose to have.

But she still was kind of scared though, because she was just interested in a friendship and if Rachel was interested only in romance, then their friendship was not going to be able to survive.

Maybe they needed to establish certain emotional boundaries.

"I—" Rachel was like a nervous mess, "I need to refill my glass with water." She commented quickly, and then disappeared into the small kitchen of her apartment.

She pulled off her white shirt and dropped it on the floor. Her muscles and skin were hurting, she needed a painkiller, even though she always thought that pain killers were reserved for weak people.

But she seriously needed one now.

Santana put on the shirt Rachel gave her, she examined her appearance and beyond some small drops of blood on her pants, she was just fine.

She walked to the kitchen, with Freddy following closely behind. Santana pet his head and then carefully leaned it against the wall next to the door frame, ignoring the kick of nostalgia the sight of Rachel produced in her nowadays.

"I'm ready to go." She announced. "I'll just clean up your couch and then—"

"It's okay Santana, I'll take care of that." Rachel reassured as her lips curled into a smile.

"The least I can do is clean up my own mess, Rach. Don't worry about a thing, I'll give your couch a second life." She winked.

But before Santana could even take one step into the living room, Rachel's trembling voice spoke again.

"No, really Santana. You need to go." She began, causing a deep frown on Santana's face. "It was Kurt on the phone and I told him you were here with me." Rachel bit down on her lower lip the way she always did when she felt guilty about something.

Santana did her best not to part her lips to show her surprise.

If she told Kurt, then Quinn knew it too.

Seemingly she couldn't pretend that nothing happened anymore. She would have to tell Quinn detail for detail.

She sighed, already trying to think in the best way possible to tell Quinn what happened since she left their apartment.

"I swear I didn't know she was with him." Rachel said, a guilty expression on her face.

"Hey, don't worry okay?" Santana didn't think her friend needed to explain herself. It was definitely not her fault. "You just helped me here."

"I know, but I don't want you to think that I'm playing some game with you and Quinn trying to get in the way because believe it or not, I already know that I have no chance with you. Kurt asked me if I knew about you and I just said yes, I didn't say anything about—"

"Rachel," Santana grabbed her gently from her shoulder to stop her almost unintelligent rambling. She smiled at Rachel—a wide, confident smile. "I said don't worry."

Her friend just stood there and stared at her, at her face, then smiled as she ran a lazy hand down Santana's arm and pulled her into a hug. She tightened her grip as much as she could.

Santana couldn't speak for a few moments, then she hugged Rachel tighter, reaching her hands around her waist. The hug was all about reassurance and comfort. Santana slowly pulled back and smiled at Rachel's sheepish look.

"Thank you, again."

Rachel nodded, she pursed her lips and eyed the dog.

Santana took Freddy in her arms and gave one last look at Rachel before heading back to her apartment.

Time for a moody Quinn?

* * *

Santana's heart pumped fast as she opened the front door of her apartment. She forced herself to breathe calmly because she really didn't want to get into a fight with Quinn, she didn't want to have to deal with that; less because of that coward she left unconsious in his house, a jerk who shall remain nameless.

Santana put the dog on the floor and he ran almost immediately inside.

He wasn't shy at all apparently.

When she looked up, she saw Quinn. She met her eyes and sensed confusion, hurt and anger in the same moment, she tried to force a casual smile, but it fell flat and she just stared at her.

Her hazel eyes lit up slightly and Santana's heart slowed down a little bit, which was a relief.

Then, out of all the crazy things in the world, she didn't expect what happened next.

Quinn walked toward her and wrapped her arms around her neck tight, she kissed her gently on the mouth and then more intensely as she hugged Santana to her. Santana tried to ignore the discomfort in her lips as they stayed there for a few moments. She preferred the ache in her mouth rather than stop kissing Quinn.

Santana inhaled the scent of her taking it deeper into her lungs, her fragrance was everywhere and she loved it. She smelled so good, as if she just bathed in roses.

"I really wasn't expecting that welcome."

"Are you complaining?" Quinn smiled at her tenderly, like she was the only thing in the world that mattered and it made Santana feel powerful, happy, invincible.

She traced the tip of her thumb over the cut of her bottom lip and her eyes suddenly flashed with concern. Quinn scanned her face anxiously, looking for any sign of violence. Her eyes were red and puffy, her nose pink and swollen. It was obvious she'd been crying for quite awhile and it made Santana feel awful.

Sighing deeply, Quinn untangled her arms from her neck and squeezed her shoulders affectionately.

Santana pursed her lips as she turned around to close the door behind her.

"Now tell me what happened." Quinn demanded.

She wasn't going to lie, what for? But first she wanted to see her beautiful baby.

"Where's my little chipmunk?"

"She's here." Kurt said as he reappeared from the kitchen with Beth walking behind him, grabbing the fabric of his pants. "And you need to thank us for making Quinn stay."

"Tanny!" Her cute eyes light up with life when she saw Santana just like Quinn's did.

It was so rare the emotion of being loved, but it was all that she could feel nowadays with these gorgeous blondes.

When did she get so lucky again?

"Hey," She walked over to Beth and picked her up in her arms. She was suddenly even more happy, so happy that she tried not to grimace at the pain she felt with Beth's leg pressed against her belly.

"Where were you?" Beth asked as she tilted her head slightly to one side.

"Just here and there." Santana kissed the side of her face and Beth giggled. "Tell me why is your face full of ice-cream? I thought your mouth was under your nose and not in your forehead."

Beth giggled again and Santana's heart melted.

She turned to stare into Quinn's eyes, and she was looking at them with a beautiful smile. Santana was absolutely sure there was nothing Quinn's smile couldn't fix in this world.

"I have a surprise for you baby." Santana said and Beth's eyes got wide with anticipation.

She carefully put Beth on the floor and just then the french bulldog came into the living room. He saw Beth and started to lick her face in no time.

Santana felt soft lips on her cheek then, warm and sweet lips. Her heart was hammering, and there was a rushing sound in her ears, like beating.

"Do you have any idea how worried we were? I just stayed because I realized that Puck works on Sundays. But I guess you found him." Quinn touched gently her swollen lip yet again. "Please don't do these things again Santana. I don't want anything to happen to you."

She gave Santana a deep look that says 'You better stop getting into trouble'. And a smile appeared on her bruised features.

Santana knew that Quinn genuinely had her best interests at heart, but she was not a little girl anymore. Besides it wasn't like she didn't know how to deal with a fight. She had been trained to kill people with only one hand and blindfolded after all.

"Well there is no need for you to continue worrying. I'm here now." She walked to the sofa to sit down and finally be able to rest.

It was almost fun to watch everyone following her.

Well Beth didn't follow her exactly, she just followed Freddy when he started to run toward Santana.

"Tell me what happened." Quinn said as she sat down beside her. "Did you get into a fight with him?"

Everytime that Quinn was worried her eyebrows get all scrunched together and Santana loved it. Her unbelievable attractiveness made her fall in love every five seconds.

Isn't she crazy beautiful?

"It's called a _fight_ when there's actually someone on the other side with your same abilities, you know?" Her cockiness turned into a heavenly confidence and Quinn smiled brightly.

She bite her lip, not in frustration though, in the only way she knew how. Santana let her mind wander and she got confused because—why isn't Quinn mad at her if she knew she was at Rachel's apartment just a few minutes ago?

"Do you ever take life seriously?" Kurt accused as he sat on the love-seat opposite her, it seemed as if he couldn't decide whether to be angry or amazed after Santana's comment.

"Whatever, I'm just pointing a fact."

Quinn looked closer at her; her eyes looking at Santana with that mournful gaze she hated. Even more when she was the cause.

"Santana." She implored in her gentle voice for Santana to continue.

"I kicked his ass okay? I don't know what you want me to say Quinn."

"So you just went there and hit him?"

"More or less." She merely shrugged before leaning over to peck Quinn's lips. Her hazel eyes were still in concentration but her face randomly break into a smile. "And believe me when I say that he got the message. He barely threw a punch."

"I don't doubt it, you look okay. But are you? Did he hit you somewhere else? We can go to the hospital if you want." Quinn said after a gentle squeeze of her hand and Santana winced inwardly.

"As if she would want to go there." Kurt chuckled.

"I'm fine, really." Santana said ignoring her friend all together. "So you're not mad at me?"

"Why would I be?" Quinn sighed. "I'm just glad you're okay. I didn't want you getting hurt."

Santana scanned her face, as if looking for any hesitation. "And you're not mad at me for, you know—heading toward Rachel's apartment first?"

The light left Quinn's eyes as she glanced uncertainly at her.

Yes, that was definitely another story.

She saw the change in Quinn, the building rage, the flash of pain in her eyes. She really didn't want to hurt her, but she kept doing it somehow.

"I guess that's the sign for me to go." Kurt suddenly stood up and gave Quinn a warm embrace.

"You don't have to go, gayman."

"Yes I do, Satan." He emphasized with a warm smile. "I'll meet Blaine in the park in a few actually." They were so cheesy. Santana just chuckled. "And don't you forget that tomorrow night is my birthday party."

"Are you kidding? How could I forget when you remind me of it every five minutes." Santana gave her childhood friend a tight hug.

Kurt turned around to say bye to Beth, who was still happily playing with Freddy in the rug in front of them.

Santana slid her arms around Quinn and drew her close to her. Her lips brushed her forehead and Quinn gave her a smile. A smile she could feel in her hip pocket.

The sky was cloudy but bright, without the usual heat. Maybe they could go for a walk later.

Kurt closed the door behind him and Santana turned around in her seat to look at the unhappy face next to her. Quinn's hurt expression broke her heart.

"Are you mad at me?"

Quinn sighed and closed her eyes a moment against the magnitude of it all. God, Santana felt like, she didn't know what she felt—maybe a woman who'd battled demons all night, and lost. Lost because it seemed like she always managed to hurt the only person she loved the most.

"I'm not mad." Her voice was sad now, and distant, as if somehow she knew the answer. "I am both sad and confused. But not mad."

"I'm sorry, I just thought you would go crazy if you saw my clothes stained with blood. I borrowed a shirt and then I drove straight here."

"Now that's the thing. Maybe years ago I'd have been mad at you for even thinking on wearing Rachel's shirt. Now I think the problem is not even that." She shook her head before resting the side of her head against Santana's shoulder—and every time, she seemed more and more resigned. "Don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you, of course." She gave a matter—of—fact answer immediately, hating that her voice sounded so weak.

She looked at her daughter and the cute puppy in front of them. Beth laughed when Freddy stupidly started to eat his own leg.

"Then why you went to Rachel's apartment first?"

It seemed that it did not matter what she said or how she said it, or even what she did. Life always managed to show her the bitter side, her actions have always been misunderstood.

Why? Just call it bad luck.

"I told you, I just wanted to get rid of my shirt."

"Oh yeah?" Quinn pursed her lips in disapproval. "Well I can only imagine how happy she was."

Jeez, Santana was upset now.

She removed her left arm from around Quinn's shoulders, her frown grew deeper.

She wasn't one to get mad often, but when she was mad, she was fuming, her fists would clench, her eyes would turn a shade darker, and she'd grow quiet.

There were two different ways Santana would act when she was mad. When she was mad at someone other than Quinn, and when she was mad _at_ Quinn.

When she was mad at someone other than Quinn, the beautiful blonde was the only one that could calm her. And she remembered well.

Quinn could immediately tell when she was mad, because she wouldn't greet her the way she usually did. Her accent wouldn't boom through her shared apartment as usual. She'd come in quietly, rushing to her girlfriend and hugging the life out of her. She was sure that Quinn always knew how to see the anger in her eyes—she'd run a hand through her hair, kissing Santana all over her face, telling her things like: _I love you, It's going to be okay, Tell me what happened._

But it was a whole different story when she was mad at her.

Now she wasn't just mad at Quinn's for not taking her word seriously, but she was also sad.

"What I don't understand is why you hid this from me." Santana voiced. Her breath tangled up in her throat when her eyes found Quinn's.

Santana knew perfectly that Quinn had emotions she was trying really hard to keep at bay, like jealousy. But she was failing miserably.

And she thought she looked ridiculously cute.

"Because I was protecting you."

"Protecting me from what?"

"From getting hurt."

Santana really had to roll her eyes at this.

"You need to have a little more faith in me."

"I do, that doesn't mean you'll always be safe." Quinn looked into her eyes with that way she had of looking that made Santana wonder whether she was really doing the right thing or not. She looked also scared and confused.

"Tell me what were you doing there."

"I went to his house for more clothes, but he was drunk and mad at me—he grabbed my jaw and told me to never come back again. And I really didn't think it was important telling you this. It was nothing really." She bit her lip, the third time Santana had seen her do that this day. Her brow wrinkled, there was a soft desperation to her words.

"Was he always so violent with you?"

Quinn shook her head. "I was shocked, actually. I guess he didn't even know who he was at the time. He was really out of him."

"You can say that." Santana clenched her jaw in determination. "What about Beth? Was he aggressive with her too?"

"No, of course not. Last week was the only time he showed any sign of violence."

She looked so deep into Quinn's eyes, she just knew she could scarcely breathe. Her eyes were so big and bright, as if they saw more than they could comprehend. Bright with terror, and beneath the terror a limitless confusion. That's what made them so beautifully bright.

"Did he do something else that day?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean Q, something aside of what you already told me."

"No, that's what happened."

"You promise?"

Quinn nodded.

Santana looked at her and her face was pale and austere in the uplight, her eyes lost in hers. She could see her throat move in the light and Santana saw in her face something she'd seen before and the name of that thing was uncertainty.

For a moment she held her soft hands as if to emotionally steady her.

They were still here, right? A lot of bad things have happened but they were still here.

And Santana seriously thought that it was so great.

She leaned in with a smile so her lips hung millimetres above Quinn's.

"Thank you." She whispered as her hands found Quinn's waist, she brought her closer as if she wanted to merge her body into hers.

"For what?"

"For existing."

Quinn giggled and leaned her head up until her forehead brushed Santana's.

Santana leaned in, brushing a warm kiss over her mouth until Quinn's soft lips parted. She savoured her sweet taste for a while and then pulled slightly away.

She lifted Quinn's hair and put her lips to the soft skin behind her ear. "I love you."

"I love you too."

They locked eyes and things felt right again.

"No more lies, okay?"

"No more lies." Quinn agreed.

"Now we should go for a walk and hang out with Kurt and his boyfriend, I bet Freddy and our little girl would be happy about it."

"I like that idea." Quinn threw her arms around her neck and pressed her cheek against her. "And thank you, for what you did." Quinn kissed her one more time and Santana felt her heart throb in her chest once again.

She walked away with Santana staring at her butt.

But who could blame her?

She looked down at her daughter still playing with Freddy, and she finally felt complete. She had no doubt that her real achievement in life was her daughter and her beautiful woman. She wished for nothing beyond Beth's smile and Quinn's happiness.

She could take care of any obstacle for them. She'd tear down anything standing between them. But she couldn't destroy what she couldn't even see, that was why communication was so important.

They needed to know what was on their minds before it was too late to do anything about it.


	17. Chapter 17

Santana's hands moved up to touch her thighs under the skirt. They continued kissing and her own hands were roaming all over Santana's hair and cheeks. Quinn had moved her leg over so she could straddle her girlfriend on the couch.

Eventually, Santana pulled up Quinn's shirt and she lifted her arms allowing her to remove it completely. Her hands reached up and fumbled with the clasp of Quinn's bra. They both giggled as she tried to unclasp it but she couldn't, until Quinn eventually reached back and did it herself. She pulled it up off her body and tossed it to the side of the couch. Her breasts were in front of Santana in all their glory.

"Aren't we lucky my sister is here?" She gasped as she licked her suddenly dry lips.

"Not the time to talk about your sister babe." Santana said as she kissed her again, Quinn wrapped her arms around her neck tightly.

Her sister Marley was in town with her boyfriend Jake and they were now at Rockefeller Center with Beth; the idea was that they would catch up with them in a few minutes. Quinn was just waiting for Santana to arrive from work but once she saw the beautiful brunette enter that door, she just couldn't help it.

Blame it on her sexy uniform.

Besides lately it was kind of hard find some time alone because at least four days per week Beth would sneak out of her room at nights to get into bed between her and Santana.

So, these moments were like gold to them.

Their kissing became more passionate and they began to moan into each other's mouths. Santana had her hands feeling on her breasts and occasionally she moved them down to rub her butt. She kept trying to slide her hands down under her skirt to grab her ass underneath but her long skirt was almost too tight, and it was adorable how Santana was losing patience over this.

Eventually, with her talented fingers she unzipped Quinn's skirt from the side, and she could finally reach her butt properly with a firm squeeze making Quinn grind down her hips.

Santana had leaned her head down and started to suck on her nipples. Quinn started to moan lightly as she kept her hands on the back of Santana's head encouraging her. But suddenly she motioned Quinn then to get off of her as she slid her to the side. Santana laid Quinn down on her back as she got on top of her and started attacking her neck with her mouth. Quinn just lay there with the biggest smile, her hands were roaming through Santana's hair as she let out a small whimper.

Sex with Santana was so wonderful.

Santana lifted her head and locked their lips together again, they kissed passionately as her arms were hugging Santana's back. Their hips were already grinding into each other. Santana's hands were roaming wildly on her chest and stomach, she was feeling every inch of skin available and it seemed as if this made her melt. Quinn's eyes were closed and her hips were grinding up to feel Santana's package against her; her massive erection begged to be set free.

She softly began to caress Quinn between her legs through her panties, and reached down and pushed her skirt and panties down past her knees. Santana helped her maneuver them down to her ankles before she kicked them off completely. Now she was completely naked on the couch. Santana's pants were unbuttoned and Quinn quickly pulled off Santana's shirt and bra, her pants, and then her tight boxer shorts.

Santana placed herself between Quinn's legs once again and grabbed on her shaft. They started kissing again as Santana reached her hand down and pulled one of Quinn's leg out of the couch so that she was spread out. Then she pushed her waist forward and Quinn moaned with her eyes closed.

Santana finally pushed her shaft inside of her as she began thrusting slowly into her. Her body lay sprawled out under Santana's, her mouth seeking her out insatiably just like the first time they kissed. Her fingers caressed Santana's face and she twisted her head back and forth kissing her deeply as Santana's dick kept doing its magic between her legs, causing her to whimper into her mouth.

Santana moved her mouth from hers and started to kiss her neck. Quinn brought her leg from the side of the couch and wrapped it around Santana's thigh. She moaned with her lips parted, she didn't know why she was specially loud with Santana; maybe it had to do with the fact that her girlfriend was damn good at this.

Her arms wrapped around Santana's shoulder and she brought Quinn's mouth up to kiss her. She could hear and feel Santana moaning through her mouth during their kissing. They were making love in a steady rhythm—which made Quinn think once again that they were perfect together, perfect for each other.

Just when she was feeling as if she was going to cum, Santana stopped thrusting into her and sat up. Quinn finally opened her eyes and looked up at her like a puppy dog. Santana pulled her up and scooted over on the couch. She sat, and then she grabbed Quinn and put her on top of her again, straddling her waist.

Her erection was glistening from Quinn's juices and standing straight up, hard as a rock.

Santana's thick shaft stood straight up against her belly, Quinn could not help staring at it. She smiled leaning forward for another kiss and positioned herself above Santana and slowly began to lower herself. She bit Santana's bottom lip and her eyes glazed over at her. Santana rested back on the couch; too hypnotizing watching how inch after inch slowly got inside of her. Her hands were rested on Santana's breasts, her fingernails softly digging into her skin as incoherent whimpers escaped her lips.

Her body was jerking uncontrollably with the anticipation and her belly was so full of the beautiful woman beneath her. Santana began to thrust up to meet her and Quinn began to bounce harder with pure animal lust, all the while thinking how much she loved these moments.

Her hands moved to the back of the couch, which allowed her to control her body and her hips could maneuver the way she wanted them to as Santana's hands grabbed her butt.

The couch squeaked to her riding, Quinn moaned hard as Santana lovingly nuzzled her neck. They both whimpered with delight as she continued to push her erection deeper and deeper into her until finally their pelvic bones met, and Santana began to move slowly into her, Quinn's long blonde hair was bouncing to the rhythm.

After wonderful minutes Santana finally exploded inside of her. Quinn's legs shook uncontrollably and her mouth opened wide as she came as well. She felt invisible hands touch her body with tender caresses, and she felt gentle, electric shocks in all her body; the pleasure just deepened.

Leaning down, she brushed her lips against Santana's lips softly before resting her head on her shoulder, really exhausted and happy. She threw her arms around Santana's neck and hugged her tight. Quinn closed her eyes as she kissed her neck and jaw, she just couldn't get enough of her.

Santana softly pulled out of her and they took a moment just to enjoy the silence, the feel of naked body against naked body. Quinn curled herself around Santana.

"I love you." She whispered against her tan skin.

Santana pulled her back to look into her eyes a brief moment, she pressed her palms against Quinn's cheeks and gave her another of those crushing kisses on the mouth that in no way qualified as a peck. But Quinn was still breathless and she was also seeing stars.

"I love you too babe, now we should shower before going out."

She grabbed Quinn's hand and walked them back to the bathroom to do just that.

* * *

They all were on winter coats and scarves because that seemed like a very effective cold-weather blocker. Although, the cold wasn't that bad and watching the snow fall from the sky was indeed beautiful—her white cheeks still were a little pink with the air, her chin trembled, and she had to keep wiping the snow off her eyes and nose.

It didn't matter though, because she was just so happy.

Quinn didn't know that it was not necessary at all Puck's signature to divorce him, so after long days signing papers and talking with lawyers, she could finally say she was single.

She didn't have to see Noah again and she was now living with Santana, Beth and Freddy in her cozy apartment.

Could life get any better?

Her eyes were shiny in a dreamy sort of way as she watched her small family from outside the rink. Santana with Beth's hand in hers, teaching her how to ice skating.

She felt a strong love sweep over her. A love she couldn't explain. She had never felt so happy, nor had she ever felt so loved. Quinn thought right there that no one could love someone as deeply as she loved her girlfriend. Quinn couldn't imagine looking at someone else the way she looked at Santana. She knew she was the one for her, and she knew that in that moment, in that place, they were supposed to be.

She allowed a happy little grin to steal across her face.

"So when you start your new job?" Marley asked her curiously.

Quinn looked to the side to see her sister better, the smile never leaving her face. "Two weeks from now."

"Are you nervous?"

"Just a little bit, I've just never teach little kids about art before, you know?" Her body filled with warmth as she closed her eyes and let the snow fall on her face. "The good thing is, the elementary school is just a block away from Santana's apartment, can you believe it?"

And the other good thing, was that her mom told her they were going to move from Vegas to New York. Marley got accepted in NYU and her mom's boyfriend had been living here for five years now; so to Quinn it seemed just like a matter of time for that decision. And her mom would look after Beth every morning so it was a relief to her and Santana.

Quinn opened her eyes in time to see the owner of her thoughts walking behind their daughter as Beth tried her best to ice skating toward Jake.

It was really good news that Santana and Jake hit it off straight away. She thought at first it would be kind of awkward since Jake was Puck's half brother. But they were still very different people, and luckily Santana noticed it too and they looked now like best friends.

"You won't have to wake up so early in the morning then, lucky you."

Quinn nodded with a smile.

Her phone rang suddenly and she pulled it out from her coat pocket. She was frowning when she saw who it was.

So maybe things finally changed for the better between her and Rachel three months ago in Kurt's birthday. But Quinn still found it weird that she was the person calling her.

 _The song suddenly turned loud with a strong base and music blasted as they entered Kurt's giant apartment. Apparently working for a magazine was definitely on the list of New York City dream jobs._

 _"This feel just like old times." Santana said in Quinn's ear as her arm circled her shoulders; as if somehow she belonged there._

 _And she did, she really did._

 _The sensual vibrations of her voice led her chest to swell. She caught Quinn's hand and kissed the tips of her fingers as they walked through the crowd. Quinn giggled with adoration._

 _"The difference now is," She began, scanning the place and people before coming back to Santana's fixated stare, Quinn leaned back against her arm. "We have a little girl waiting for us at home."_

 _"That's right." Santana leaned in and kissed her cheek, just the lightest touch of lips. "She must be sleeping by now. And your mom must be watching tons of bad sappy movies."_

 _Quinn laughed because she knew it must be true._

 _Santana could spot Kurt in no time, there were some people around him too. Quinn just recognized a few of them; Kurt, his boyfriend Blaine, two or three people that she knew were Kurt and Santana's friends from high school, and her eyes landed then on Rachel._

 _She sure as hell knew her._

 _Santana removed her arm from her shoulders and walked directly toward her friend. She gave Kurt a tight embrace while saying something in Kurt's ear over the loud music. Quinn could immediately tell that it was something inappropriate because Santana gave him a little half smirk and he rolled his eyes._

 _Quinn greeted the people around, even Rachel because she was not that rude; and then she gave Kurt a tight hug as well._

 _"Happy birthday Kurt!" Quinn beamed. She kissed Kurt's cheek before pulling back._

 _A soft hand quickly reached in and grabbed hers; she felt a warm tingle in her stomach as she happily accepted Santana's hand._

 _"That's how you greet a friend, see?" Kurt joked as he glared at Santana._

 _"You should be glad I'm here at all." Santana scoffed, her dark eyes dancing in her beautiful face._

 _He just smiled in delight._

 _Then after a short pause, Quinn could feel eyes on her. She looked to the side and in fact, there were a few people she had never seen before staring at her as if she were somehow from another planet._

 _It made her feel very uncomfortable._

 _But as always, Santana was there to rescue her._

 _"Guys, this is my girl Quinn. Future wife and mother of my daughter_ _." She said proudly as she put her arm around Quinn waist and it felt like neither the heat of the sun nor the force of the rain could move her away from her._

 _Quinn felt joy bubbling up in her heart._ _Even more with the 'future wife' part._

 _"We already knew! Kurt broke the news, and I'm not going to lie, it's kind of shocking seeing you all domesticated." A Chinese girl said next to her with a wide smile._

 _"So Kurt already told you what's been going on with my life? Why I'm not even surprised." Santana half smiled._

 _Kurt loved gossip, but he could never handle having it turned on him and that was funny._

 _"Now tell me, does she have your temper, is she a little monster? And when we'll meet her?" The same girl asked Santana._

 _"No, and never. She's still way too young to see weird people around her."_

 _Quinn wasn't sure why she liked Santana's humor so much, because it was a really special kind of humor. But everyone seemed to like that as well. Maybe it had to do something with her charisma._

 _The girl shook her head and laughed humorously, then she turned around to look at Quinn. "I'm Tina by the way."_

 _She extended one hand to Quinn and she took it._

 _"Quinn." She smiled charmingly; that charming smile that always get people to say 'yes' without her ever having to ask them a question._

 _"Hi there, I'm Sam Evans." Quinn looked in front of her, putting the face to the voice—and she was met with a drunk blonde guy with female features who was also extending a hand to her. "But the girls call me Sammy." He added with smug satisfaction._

 _He was cocky enough to think that he was irresistible to her and to women in general. But there was nothing sexy or majestic about his voice and appearance, honestly._

 _"Easy there Sammy boy, don't get too close or I'll show you my dark side." Santana's tone was challenging, even threatening. But she was still smiling at her friend and Quinn smiled too._

 _Now that's how confidence looks like._

 _Santana half joked—but Sam still pulled his hand right back and stepped away from Quinn._

 _The rest of the group introduced to her one by one, and she happily accepted the hugs and the funny comments about being Santana's tamer._

 _She tried really hard to ignored Rachel's sad expression._

 _"Why you invited so many people anyway?" Santana asked Kurt. Her hand lifted from Quinn's waist to the back of her neck and she gently ran her fingers over the skin there. Quinn relaxed under the familiar gesture. "I already tell you, I'm not staying to clean up the fucking mess they will leave here."_

 _Kurt rolled his eyes to the ceiling and shook his head. "Yeah, because you do that often."_

 _Santana frowned incredulously after his words and she quickly messed up his hair. He tried to avoid Santana's hand but couldn't._

 _To Quinn it was always funny see these two act like teenagers._

 _Her girlfriend's friends shared knowing smiles as they began to fall into a conversation once again. Maybe they were not her friends, and maybe she did feel kind of uncomfortable a few minutes ago, but these people already made her feel at ease again._

 _Santana's hand descended to her waist and Quinn smiled inwardly._

 _Alright so perhaps it wasn't about these people at all, maybe it was just Santana's protective arm around her, hauling her even closer._

 _Quinn's gaze suddenly drifted over Rachel's face and she was looking at her, reflectively, bringing a blush to her cheeks even. She moved her head to the side signaling Quinn to follow her with a sort of daring grin._

 _She gave Rachel a confused look, arching an eyebrow as she examined her expression with narrowing eyes._

 _Why in the name of God was she even looking at her was beyond Quinn. And she did not believe the sweet, innocent little look in Rachel's face._

 _The short girl that often was giving her headaches and making her feel miserable, finally moved her mouth without any sound._

 _"Let's talk." She muttered._

 _It took Quinn a good minute to realize what she was saying. And suddenly Santana's grip on her waist tightened._

 _She turned around her head to look at her, Santana was looking straight ahead—at Rachel Quinn guessed, and she could see the fear reflected in her gorgeous brown eyes, she didn't know why._

 _She seemed just as confused as her._

 _"About?" Santana muttered back and Rachel sighed annoyingly._

 _Quinn didn't know either. She didn't know at all why or about what Rachel wanted to talk with her. They have had so many problems that she truly did not know about what Rachel wanted to talk._

 _Though it was especially important to Quinn clarify what residual problems may affect them in the future. The three of them._

 _So why not?_

 _They just arrived but if Rachel wanted to talk in that precise moment, so be it._

 _"You don't have to go, if you don't want to that's it." Santana said in her ear._

 _She knew perfectly that this was not a requirement but a question. However, Quinn suddenly wanted to have this conversation with Rachel more than anything._

 _She took a moment to look at the people around them and luckily no one seemed to notice the tension nor their silent conversation._

 _Except of course, Kurt._

 _"Santana," He subtly called Santana's name, she loosened her grip on Quinn's waist and Santana finally adverted her eyes from Rachel._

 _He reassured Santana with a smile. But the woman standing next to her didn't seem convinced at all._

 _Still, Quinn looked at Rachel and nodded._

 _She started to walk outside to the wonderful balcony; and she did not know why anxiety settled into the bottom of her stomach and her mouth went dry._

 _She reached the half crowded place, and Quinn suddenly didn't know what to do next. She wasn't doing a thing, except standing there leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together as Rachel approached, two glasses in hand with something pink inside._

 _She wondered when she got those drinks._

 _"S_ _trawberry vodka_ _?" She asked in a soft voice, handing one glass to Quinn._

 _Quinn was surprised how well she could hear the voices outside here. It seemed like the big walls made of windows were really thick, the music was barely heard._

 _"I'm fine thank you." She said politely._

 _Rachel pursed her lips and nodded, a residual shame lingered in her as she placed the glasses over a small table beside them. But she couldn't bring herself to feel guilty._

 _"I want you to know that I'll be completely honest with you, okay? So please trust me."_

 _"Can you blame if I don't?" Quinn bit her cheeks. She was fiercely annoyed already and that was really unfair to Rachel and to this conversation that hadn't even started yet._

 _She just couldn't help it._

 _"Yes, I can. Because I've never lied to you before."_

 _Quinn chuckled low and gave her head a small shake._

 _"If I recall well you lied about your feelings for Santana. You lied to yourself and you lied to her. And she lied to me because of you—so I think I have every right to doubt in your word." She had to cross her arms to protect herself._

 _Protect herself from what? She did not know._

 _"Fair point, but can you hear me out first?"_

 _Quinn seemed to have difficulty forcing the words out. "I'm listening."_

 _Rachel sighed and clasped her hands tightly together, it seemed to Quinn that the woman in front of her didn't know from where to start._

 _"Well_ _—_ _I guess I always found Santana very interesting. And I wasn't the only one thinking it back then so I never felt guilty about it." Rachel looked at her, and her eyes looked dead. As if her soul was gone. "We met in a party and then we sort of became best friends. That's when feelings started to emerge."_

 _Quinn knew how that felt firsthand, the same happened to her. With the same woman. But it saddened her somehow that Rachel had to live with those feelings all these years without saying anything to anyone._

 _"That's a lot of time ago."_

 _"I know, but I never acted on what I feel because I knew she would never feel the same."_

 _"How do you know? If you never asked her." Quinn wasn't sure to where she was going with this. She guess she just wanted to know everything._

 _"Believe me, I knew back then and I know now." She said, and the smile she gave Quinn was almost reassuring. "You know when the person you like is completely in love with someone else._ _With time I realized I had to let her go for once otherwise I'd never be happy."_

 _"Were you in love with her?"_

 _"No."_

 _"Are you in love with her now?" Quinn narrowed her eyes at Rachel suspiciously. She uncrossed her arms and waited for what seemed to be the most important answer of all night._

 _"No." Rachel shook her head and Quinn let out a big sigh._

 _She wasn't blaming Rachel if the answer was positive. She knew Santana was everything someone could ask for in another person. But that didn't mean she wouldn't go crazy jealous about it._

 _"I was so overwhelmed about the fact of having her back again, that all these feelings came back and_ _—_ _"_

 _"You kissed her." S_ _he interrupted with sadness._ _Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest from jealousy she could hear it in her ears._

 _"I was drunk when I kissed her in her welcome party. I remember that day; I was talking to her about something and she barely heard me. I saw her smiling when she looked at you, and I ached to kiss her mouth. I wanted to own it. I wanted to give her a kiss she would never forget, or a kiss that could make her forget you for at least five minutes."_

 _"Well you succeeded, congratulations. She kissed you back didn't she?"_

 _"Maybe."_

 _"Maybe?" Quinn raised her voice. "I was there Rachel, I saw you two kissing with your tongue deep into her throat. What do you mean maybe?"_

 _"I mean that maybe she kissed me back, for instinct. But Santana wasn't really there with me, I could feel it. And the more I kissed her the more I knew I'd never have a chance with her as long as you're in the picture_ _. But I still tried, I asked her if she wanted to give this a try and what do you think she told me?"_

 _Quinn shrugged and pulled her black coat tighter around her. "You tell me."_

 _Her breath caught in her chest and she was glad Rachel couldn't see the fear on her face._

 _"She said she was in love with you and had been for the last five years." All at once Quinn smiled brightly and her heart calmed a little bit, her stomach did a little flip. "She said she just sees me as a friend and is okay really, I'm here to tell you that I have no bad intentions with her or you and I'm not in love with her either. Maybe I still like her, but I won't do anything about it because I know she is genuinely happy with you Quinn. And I really want our friendship back, I kinda miss her. As a friend."_

 _Quinn felt her breath leave her body in one quick take as the stress left her, but a nervous feeling still gathered in the pit of her stomach, aching constantly every time she looked at Rachel._

 _"I really want to trust you Rachel, but with everything you just said—I don't know what to think. I'm not okay with you seeing Santana knowing you have feelings for her, but I also know you're her best friend." She said sincerely, she was having inconsistency in her thoughts. "I just don't want to lose her."_

 _She didn't know why she said that to the only person who could actually do something about it._

 _"I know, and you don't have to feel worried about me anymore, you never had to actually. Please trust me Quinn, I would never do that to Santana, or Beth. I just want things to be the way they were before this." There are some actual clues that might indicate lying—such as being nervous or the way the eyes move. But Quinn couldn't see any sign that Rachel was actually fooling her. "I just wanted to clear all the doubts between us, and see maybe if we can start again? I'd like to be your friend too."_

 _"Okay stop right there, now you're going too fast." Quinn spoke without malice or hardness in her voice. She inhaled quickly and exhaled slowly, looking at Rachel with a genuine smile._

 _"I'm sorry but, can we start again and leave all those years behind us?" Rachel asked hopefully._

 _Quinn really wanted to say yes, but she had serious trust issues._

 _"I guess only time will tell." She spoke softly, as if telling her a secret._

 _But they were in fact, kind of good now. And she felt oddly happy about it._

 _Quinn smiled at Rachel again and just then, the cause of their arguments and this conversation emerged from the living room to the balcony. By her side was a tall and handsome man and they both started to walk over them._

 _"Hey ladies, are we interrupting something? Because I don't care." Santana's eyes twinkling with humor. As always the smile began in her eyes, then touched her lips and finally the dimple appeared. "I'm here to officially introduce you my buddy Finn Hudson, he's my coworker at the fire station and I invited him to meet some people."_

 _The guy was freakishly tall. He was wearing a blue jacket, a white shirt, and a pair of formal shoes. He had a smile on his face and come off as one of the most shy people Quinn had ever met, and it was kinda cute honestly._

 _Finn cleared his throat behind Santana. "Hi guys."_

 _"Hey." Quinn greeted him politely._

 _But she didn't think this Finn guy heard her because he was too busy looking at Rachel, and Rachel was having the same trance as him apparently._

 _"Hi, I'm Rachel Berry." Her eyes went shining and all excited with visible happiness and delight._ _Finn gave her a goofy smile._

 _Quinn looked at Santana in confusion but Santana was looking at them with a smug grin on her lips._

 _"So, Finn—" Santana began as her soft hand found Quinn's. Still looking straight ahead as her fingertips lightly brushed her own. "Why don't you tell Rachel how you saved a little baby from a demolished building."_

 _Rachel stared at him in astonishment "You did that?"_

 _He shrugged and Quinn swore she saw a blush in his cheeks._

 _She seriously felt like she was in a romantic movie in that moment._

 _"Okay so, if you need me I'll be dancing with this beautiful princess," Santana winked at Finn for good measure and then turned her gaze to Quinn, all she could do was stare into her eyes, those dark-brown eyes that looked like chocolate to Quinn. Santana's smile deepened her killer dimples and crinkled her mischievous brown eyes._

 _She knew perfectly what Santana was doing. She knew darned well Santana just set him up with Rachel even if the two of them still didn't know._

 _And it was obviously working._

 _Quinn shifted a faintly amused gaze to Santana as she let her lead her inside._

 _Who knows? Maybe things will finally be okay between them all._

 _At least that's what she was hoping for._

"Hello Rachel." Quinn answered with a frown.

"Hi Quinn, I've been trying to contact Santana but she doesn't answer me. I won't be able to have dinner with you guys, but we can schedule it for next Saturday."

"Let me guess, you're going out with Finn again." She said in a funny voice.

"Actually yes, he said it would be nice to meet some of his friend and I suggested that we should have dinner tonight."

Things with Finn and Rachel were moving rather fast, but Quinn couldn't bring herself to worried because every time these two were together it was as if no one else but them existed in the universe.

"Okay, I'll tell Santana you can't come over. Have a good night."

"Thank you Quinn, you too."

She hung up the phone with a small smile that grew strong and healthy.

She supposed that one thing they had in common, was Santana. Quinn sensed that they had passed a test of sorts in the past few days, and she felt, that things were gonna be okay between them now. She thought maybe Rachel had finally earned her trust.

Sometimes the best way to go forward is by taking a step backwards and start again.

Quinn looked once again straight ahead, and the scene displayed in front of her was simply beautiful. Santana was skating rather fast with Beth beside her, their daughter didn't have to do anything, just hold Santana's hand and let her lead her in the ice.

She didn't know why suddenly she wondered if life would have been different if Santana had never gone to the army.

Probably not, probably she just lost two years of a life with her.

She felt a mixture of emotions with that thought. Pain, nervousness, fear, sorrow. Just thinking about those two years Santana wasn't there with them broke her heart. She felt her heart automatically breaking and swelling and crying out for her which moved up her throat.

She made someone her everything and those were the consequences.

"I think we should get going." Marley's voice broke her thoughts and her head jerked to the side to see her sister. "My mom and Robert said they'll arrive at your place at eight and is already past seven."

Quinn nodded. She watched Beth falling once again on the ice, but Santana helped her get on her feet almost immediately.

"Santana," She called out her name, Santana looked up and met her eyes. She gave her that smile which Quinn so liked, also she could not help but think how ridiculously good Santana looked in that dark blue wool cap. "We're heading to your apartment to make dinner."

"Our apartment!" Santana shouted from the short distance, capturing some people's attention. She throw Quinn a sideways glance that would have quelled an entire army.

Quinn felt like she really needed to squeeze Santana because she was so cute when she get mad at silly things like these. She did not like when Quinn wouldn't say _'_ our apartment', her girlfriend always correct her immediately. Just like it happened now.

"Our apartment," Quinn clarify with a smile. "You coming with us?"

Santana clenched her lips and looked down at Beth and the little girl pouted. Quinn was sure the tenderness in Beth's eyes drew Santana like a magnet. She grinned back at them already knowing the answer.

"I think we're going to stay a little bit longer, Beth doesn't want to go just yet."

"Yay!" Her daughter gave Santana an all _—_ too _—_ brief smile, showing her just a bit of her white teeth before starting to walk in circles around Santana.

Beth's sunny, careless expression made Quinn feel happy. And she could already see which one of them was going to spoil their daughter.

"I'm staying with them." Jake said to Marley, he approached them skating over the ice and kissed her sister's lips. "Drive safe guys, see you in a bit."

With that Quinn and Marley turned around heading in the direction of Jake's car.

She was not sure if she was alive or her soul moved to another wonderful world because Quinn felt safe and emotionally stable in a strange way. It was a great feeling.

* * *

But nothing last forever.

That stability she was feeling minutes ago disappeared.

She felt as if she had a bowling ball wedged in her intestines and it was slowly moving lower. Quinn felt terrible, the cold water run unheeded over her hands; she wanted to throw up but nothing came out.

"Are you sure you're okay Quinn?" Marley asked from beside her in the bathroom, the palm of her hand drawing lazy circles in her back.

"I'm fine, I don't know what happened." She sighed as she dismissed the subject, but the nausea she'd felt wasn't as easily dismissed.

She'd managed to straighten up to look at herself in the mirror as she turned off the water. She did look terrible, she looked wretchedly ill and pale.

The moment they arrived at Santana's apartment the awful sensation started to get the best of her and she had to literally run to the elevator and then to the bathroom. She thought she wanted to puke, but her body said otherwise.

"Maybe you ate something, what did you have for lunch?"

"Nothing, lately every smell makes me feel sick."

"Oh God," Her sister said in such a high tone, she looked confused at Marley through the big mirror. She cocked an eyebrow, Marley's grin instantly mischievous. "Quinn, I think you're pregnant."

Realization hit her like a ton of bricks, her throat closed.

Quinn couldn't help but wonder if her sister was actually right. She was really tired, a little bit more hungry than normal or not hungry at all some days, she felt a little bit nauseous and had morning sickness.

Quinn walked rapidly toward the kitchen and once she was there, she looked at the calendar hanging on the wall; her eyes scanning the numbers and days. Tension built up in her chest while her heartbeat timed faster and faster.

A small gasp escaped her lips.

The answer was there.

* * *

 **A/N: Hello readers, I have some news for you. Next chapter is the last one, b** **ut to those who still want to read something I'm already writing a new multi-chap story about _forbidden love_ ;) **

**Enjoy and have a good day!**


	18. Chapter 18

She walked in the room with a happy sigh, she could feel her soul round and warm with love; Santana's heart was aching with happiness. If that made any sense.

Life for her just kept getting better. She gained a promotion at work and she was now in charge of Squad 3. She could say sincerely that she really liked Quinn's crazy family now _—_ including her mom. And today they all had a great day in the snowy park like a bunch of sappy best friends with Rachel, Finn, Kurt, his boyfriend Blaine, Marley and Jake, and of course her two beautiful princesses.

Best part of all? Beth was finally calling Santana 'Mommy'. Her heart missed a beat when her daughter said it, she felt the need to cry even but she didn't. Quinn just stared at them and smiled beautifully. And Beth had stopped asking about Puck so that was just great.

Santana crossed her arms and leaned on the door-frame as she watched Quinn folding their clothes over the bed.

She could watch her for hours, doing anything, everything or nothing at all. There was just something about her that shouted _peace_ to Santana.

She lapsed into a pensive silence and tilted her head up to try and see Quinn's expression, but she had her head down. And she suddenly remembered what Marley told her earlier in the park. _"I don't know how much of her heart she has left, please don't break it._ _"_

Santana took a deep breath and it hurt, because there was a lump in her throat and her stomach was in knots; just thinking about the idea of her doing something wrong again and Quinn being gone for good this time was enough to make her panic.

But she quickly tried to ignore the awful thought because this time around things will be perfect. She was sure of it, hoping for it.

"I told Beth it was time for bed but she kept watching TV, she just took me seriously when I said she could sleep with Freddy if she wanted to, can you believe it?" Santana informed with a smile.

She walked to their closet and quickly changed into her oversize shirt and tight pjs shorts.

Quinn was already dressed in her sleeping clothes as well, she looked adorable, but she also looked exhausted lately, so uncharacteristically ruffled. Her hair was a little messed up, and her lipstick was gone, but Santana was sure she could still outshine every other woman.

"She really loves him, we all do." Quinn said, without lifting her eyes from what she was doing. Her fingers folded the clothes so delicately and Santana suddenly wanted to feel those fingers touching her.

Quinn had been acting a little odd since a couple of days ago, three days ago to be exact since that night when they had dinner with her family. Santana was still trying to figure out what could be, she knew from experience that Quinn was hiding something from her, she just knew it. Something was up. And the last straw to where she knew something was definitely up was last night when she saw Quinn in the kitchen eating a mix of fruits in a giant bowl.

Quinn never wake up in the middle of the night, less to eat something. That was really weird. Her psychic Mexican third eye knew something was happening.

She was so concentrated in what she was doing that didn't notice Santana approaching her until she sat on the edge of the bed and stared up into her hazel eyes. A joyful smile appeared upon her gorgeous face, her eyes were shining brilliantly like the sun.

Santana grinned back and grabbed her by the waist, slowly pulling her onto her lap. Her chest rumbling with Quinn's low giggle as she placed her face against hers. Santana nuzzled Quinn's cheek with her nose as a thin finger traced over her lips. Quinn touched it so gently that Santana shivered a bit from the touch.

"I'll finish here, you look tired." Santana leaned over and kissed her forehead lightly. But soon another hand quickly cupped her other cheek and Quinn tilted her head down so she could meet her lips.

Her soft mouth brushed hers once, twice, her mint breath warm against her chilly skin, making her dizzy. Her lips were so damn soft that she felt all giddy inside as a warm, viscous heat flowed through her veins.

If only Beth were sleeping.

"I'm okay, but thank you." With that Quinn stood up and reached for the clothes again. Santana's brow furrowed when Quinn placed her left hand over her tummy for brief seconds, not the first time she'd seen her doing it in the past few days.

Santana stood up confused and walked to the bathroom to brush her teeth and finish getting ready for bed.

When she came back to the bedroom, she quickly got into bed. She lay back on her pillow looking at the ceiling and then to Quinn, who kept folding the last of clothes.

She smiled and squeezed her eyes closed letting out a small sigh. She put her arms behind her head and remembered what happened yesterday.

 _All she wanted to do was propose to her long-time girlfriend, and she felt it was time._

 _The time was right._

 _So, she called her friend._

 _"Help me pick out a wedding ring?" She had said._

 _"What?!" Kurt shouted in_ _astonishment._

 _But he still helped her, kind of._

 _Santana Lopez stood in line at Jack's Jewelry Store. She had left work for a few hours in search of an engagement ring._ _She was going to propose. She had been standing with Kurt in front of a display case for nearly fifteen minutes, her brown eyes carefully examining each ring. She wanted to find the perfect one for Quinn._

 _The best for the best, right?_

 _After a few minutes an assistant finally dared to approach them._

 _"Can I help you?"_

 _Santana snapped out of her trance and looked up. She regained her composure before speaking._

 _"Um yeah, I'm looking for an engagement ring."_

 _"Do you have anything in mind?"_

 _"Not anything specific. But my girlfriend loves white gold."_

 _"Oh great, we have a selection here. Follow me."_

 _Kurt and Santana obediently followed, glancing in the glass cases as they passed._

 _"How much you want to spend?" Kurt asked from behind her. "The rings are really expensive here."_

 _"I don't know really, but if I don't have enough you'll give me the rest of money." She winked._

 _"In your dreams Lopez."_

 _"This is what we have in stock." The woman said, ignoring them altogether. "The catalog mounted on the counter shows what we can order. I'll let you look and I'll be back in a few minutes."_

 _"Thank you."_

 _The saleswoman left to assist an older couple. Santana focused on the rings in front of her. Kurt was right, they were very expensive, so she was hoping that she found one that Quinn would really love._

 _As she flipped through the catalog, one of them caught her eye. She remembered Quinn talking about a ring with_ _similar characteristics_ _on the phone one night, with her friend from college Mercedes._

 _The silver band held multiple diamonds, with the largest in the center and the smaller gems wrapping around it in an infinity sign shaped pattern. It was perfect. Santana mentally noted the page number and kept looking._

 _After about twenty minutes, the saleswoman returned._

 _"Did you find anything?"_

 _"I actually found one in the catalog I think she would like."_

 _"Which page?"_

 _"Forty-eight"_

 _The saleswoman typed something into her computer._ _"The E_ _verlasting_ _Ring?"_

 _"I don't know, is that the name?"_

 _"Yes, do you want this one for sure?"_

 _Santana ran a hand through her hair with a sigh, looking at the price and then looked at her with a smile._

 _"Definitely."_

 _"What size?"_

 _"I think 6 1/2. Is resizing available?"_

 _"Yes. If it doesn't fit, just bring it back to this store location and we'll resize it for you."_

 _"Awesome."_

 _"Okay, so now I need to get your information."_

 _Santana stepped forward before looking to the side at Kurt who was smiling brightly at her._

 _"As always you didn't help me that much my useless friend. But I still love you." She said and Kurt rolled his eyes with a small shake of his head._

 _"Remind me why I'm your friend again."_

 _After answering what seemed like ten thousand and a half questions and filling out multiple forms, Santana and Kurt walked out of the store with a small box in her pocket._

 _Step one: complete._

Santana felt movement around her, she didn't open her eyes though, she knew it was Quinn. She could feel Quinn lean into her until her lips gently touched hers.

She smiled into her mouth, keeping her eyes closed. She didn't know how much time had passed since she closed her eyes but apparently she fell asleep in the process.

Santana then felt Quinn move to her right until she was over Santana's body, and she welcomed her weight with a slow, shuddering sigh. Quinn pulled back with a shy expression, reaching up to touch Santana's jaw. Her eyes touched something deep inside Santana.

"Don't fall asleep yet, I want to tell you something." The blonde of her dreams said suddenly, and she caught the mixed feelings in her face. There was a hint of a mysterious smile playing around her lips. "Where do you see yourself in a few years?"

"What?" Santana chuckled as her hands swept down to cup Quinn's tiny waist.

That was totally random.

"Where do you see yourself in a few years?" She asked again, this time more serious. It was weird but Santana still answered.

"I don't know Q, probably married with you." She subtly tried her luck. Quinn was smiling softly at her but Santana could tell she was still a little bit nervous about something. "And who knows, maybe with another little one running through the house. Why do you ask?"

"Because I need to tell you something." She could see how anxiety suddenly took a hold of Quinn. "I was going to tell you earlier actually, but I never found the right time."

Her hazel eyes slowly scanned her face.

"What is it?" Santana whispered back, running her hand through her blonde hair while thinking that no one's got more gorgeous blonde hair than her. She felt Quinn's muscles relax under her touch but the bright smile on her face held less certainty than normal.

A sudden fear went through her.

"I took a pregnancy test last night and _—_ " Quinn spoke softly, but Santana's heart fell and her breath got caught in her throat. "The result was positive."

And that was, perhaps, when her life suddenly changed once again.

Her eyes were wide with the overwhelming sensations she was experiencing in that moment; she couldn't think; didn't want to think, she could only feel, and want. She wanted to kiss every millimeter of Quinn for giving her this amount of happiness yet again; and her body seemed to be moving of its own accord because she immediately rolled them over on bed, she looked down at Quinn with the biggest smile as her eyes slowly watered.

"You're pregnant?!" She asked as if she needed to hear it one more time though she wasn't sure if she could believe it.

The love she felt for the woman beneath her in that instant was so powerful she felt like her heart was swollen and would explode at any time.

"Yes," Quinn's blush intensified as she nodded, biting her lower lip. Her eyes which had been focused on Santana's eyes, snapped to her lips. "Is this the right time?"

Santana just wanted to kiss away the doubt in her eyes. How could she even doubt it? It was one of the most beautiful things she ever heard from Quinn's lips.

She pushed Quinn's hair away from her cheeks and gave her a big smile.

"Are you kidding? It's the perfect time my love." And it was, really. They were 25, almost 26 years old, had awesome jobs, already had Beth, still had lots of love to give and most important, Santana had been waiting on this for some time now, she just didn't know how to ask Quinn. "You have any idea how happy I am right now?"

Santana squeezed her in her arms with such eagerness.

Quinn giggled and kissed her nose, she stared into her hazel eyes as Quinn gently brought her hand up to her cheek and lightly wiped the happy tears that kept silently falling, but she didn't feel the slightest hint of shame regardless how ridiculous she must look.

She was just so happy that she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep this whole night and she already wanted to call everyone informing the great news because this was big, this was wonderful and terrifying all at the same time.

And Santana still needed the reassurance that no matter how bad it could get between them, they were in this together. And maybe it was childish, maybe Quinn was right about calling her childish sometimes because she was, but Santana didn't really care anymore. What was so wrong about needing a little reassurance when nothing had gone right since they took their first steps on Earth?

"And this time around, we'll be together." Her sweet voice whispered close to her mouth, as if she had just read Santana's mind.

Quinn's hands stayed in her cheeks to remove every falling tear and Santana slowly nodded, keeping silent, not knowing what she could say to that but wanting desperately to say more, especially when Quinn's eyes filled with the same happiness she was sure had in her own eyes.

She wanted to say she was not going anywhere, ever again. Santana wanted to say so many things but words probably wouldn't even get close to what she was feeling right now.

She was not good with words, so she simply leaned forward to met Quinn's lips in a gentle, tender kiss, which was followed by another, and another, and another, as they held each other close.

No one could be any happier than her. Quinn just made her the happiest woman alive once again.

She really loved her life.

* * *

The weather was very cold. It was just a few degrees above zero in that moment, and it was probably going to snow. The sky was gray and cloudy, typical December Weather. But the warmth of Quinn's hand in hers made her forget about the cold altogether.

The entrance read 'New York Aquarium'. She looked at Beth who had the biggest smile she had seen in her ever since she met her beautiful daughter. Quinn told her that Beth had never actually been in this place before and Santana didn't think about it twice so here they were. It was Saturday, and Kurt and Blaine were with them.

She kissed the side of Quinn's head and she bit back a smirk at the way she rose up to meet her touch. It had been just a week since Quinn told her she was pregnant, and if things go as well as she was planning them to, today was going to be perfect.

"You invited us, you should be the one paying for our tickets." Kurt complained next to her as they reached the entrance.

The nerve of this guy.

"I really don't know how your parents managed to stay married this long with you in the picture Kurt. Seriously." She remarked, with a kind of oily suavity and a smirk on her face as Beth giggled.

Santana looked at her daughter that was in her arms and she smiled back at her. Beth always laughed and giggled at everything she said.

"Mommy, uncle Kurt will be my little brother's uncle too?" Beth asked her as she clasped her hands with excitement, a girlish gesture that looked about as natural as the breeze around them. Santana would never understand why Beth had grown so fond of Kurt over the past few months. But it was awesome.

And when they told her she was going to be a big sister, she was beaming with happiness and said immediately that she wanted a brother, not a sister.

"Yes my little chipmunk, unfortunately."

"Santana." A low, deep voice warned. She looked to the side at Quinn and she had a funny face of some sort, but Santana still rolled her eyes.

However, her annoying friend was right. She invited them in order to help her so she was going to do what she thought it was right.

She kept her word and paid for the five of them.

"Hey I was just kidding silly. I'll pay for me and Blaine." Kurt interrupted as she paid.

She pulled out her hand from Quinn's hand and handed to each one of them their tickets.

"Don't lie to yourself, you're the most cheapskate human being I've ever known so drop that surprised face."

Kurt was a person who spent extremely little money, and he was always careful in spending each and every dollar. But note, Santana was not saying he has little money. He spent very, very little money, but he had lots more money than what he spent.

Maybe that's why rich people stay rich.

She smiled because she knew what was coming next.

"Remind me why I'm your friend again."

"Because I'm awesome, get over it."

"Como on guys, we're all adults here." Said Kurt's boyfriend.

Blaine and Quinn were looking at them with amusement as they all entered the extremely big Aquarium.

She just liked to mess with Kurt, she really loved the guy.

 _—_ _—_ _—_

About two hours later, she decided it was finally time.

The New York Aquarium was the oldest operating aquarium in the country. There were about 14 acres and boasts 266 species so you can only imagine how big this was and how tired Santana felt already.

But she still needed to do one thing.

Santana looked at Kurt who was leaning against the large aquarium window with Beth fascinated in his arms. Santana winked at him and he nodded while a seal swims on the other side of the glass.

Quinn was standing next to her watching the big seal as she talked with Blaine, she was wearing her glasses today; she just wore glasses when she was reading or watching TV and she always looked so damn sexy and beautiful to Santana. She was absolutely sure that Quinn would be the type of teacher the kids would fall in love with.

Who wouldn't anyway?

Her arms quickly slipped around her waist and drew her closer. She saw Quinn's warm and curious smile as she brushed her blonde hair away from her face.

"Come with me."

"What? Where?" Quinn was somehow frowning and smiling and looking confused all at the same.

Santana didn't answer her though, she just grabbed her hand and walked them out of there as her nervousness grow even more in the pit of her stomach.

When they walked out, everything was white and snow was falling steady.

They walked through the streets in the afternoon air as her hand tucked safely in Quinn's, and Santana found it hard to think of a time in which she had been more content in her life. Despite the freezing air, Quinn looked comfortable enough and the sunlight and shadows playing across her skin held Santana enraptured.

She couldn't have foreseen how quickly they would fall, how completely they would devote themselves to each other. How utterly perfect they were together. How the work it took to sustain a relationship didn't seem as hard because they were both committed to it from the very beginning.

And now they were here, just a step away from their future.

Santana and Quinn walked in silence a few minutes, every step felt heavier than the last to Santana. Quinn asked her multiple times to where they were going and why they didn't bring Beth with them, that only increased Santana's anxiety. But then they arrived at their destination and Quinn's smile only grew.

The coffee shop had the same appearance it had six years ago, and held the same significance.

"This is the coffee shop where we met."

"I know." Santana stated simple as she walked them inside.

The place was empty. Santana rented the place just for them because if she was going to do this, then she was going to do it fucking right.

Santana walked inside, and pulled off the wool scarf she wore under her coat. She approached that same table _—_ and she sat _o_ n that same chair where she was when she met her. Their table stood in the corner, near the fireplace.

Quinn followed suit, popping her glasses up to the top of her head and Santana suddenly felt nervous under her gaze; Quinn's gaze rocked Santana's equilibrium even if she was already in a stable place.

They shared smiles and she relaxed when she reached and took Quinn's hand in hers, because that always had been, and always will be the only way she seemed to control her crazy emotions.

"Why are we the only people here?" Hazel eyes scanned every centimeter of the empty and small coffee shop. Just two men were preparing their coffees behind the counter.

And if everything goes well, later they will be preparing drinks.

"Because today is open just for us."

"Alright I'm not going to ask you how or when this happened." Quinn said without asking questions, grinning from ear to ear. "But are we celebrating something I don't know yet?"

Santana was able to shrug it off with a joke. "We're just celebrating how sexy you are."

Quinn laughed and blushed adorably and it took Santana's all willpower to keep from jumping her in that moment.

She just couldn't believe her eyes, she couldn't believe her ears. Her eyes were showing her the most beautiful girl she had ever seen in front of her in her whole life. Quinn smiled, not to anyone in particular, but it was enough to make Santana want to tell her how beautiful she looked so she would smile again and made the whole room light up again. No, the world lit up when she smiled.

At least Santana's world did.

The lights were dim and a yellow glow surrounded their table aside of the sunlight. The coffee shop had stunning decorations for Christmas and the New Year that was just a week away.

The waiter came to their table with a strawberry cheesecake for the two of them and two cups of coffee: Extra large double shot mocha with whipped cream and chocolate, just the way Quinn liked.

"You never cease to amaze me." Quinn said, keeping her tone soft and tender as she looked down at her coffee and then at her surrounding.

And then with those words Santana finally felt the last of her nervousness slip away, her look grew serious as she encouraged herself.

"It wasn't easy, was it?"

"What wasn't baby?" Quinn asked timidly. By the look on her face Santana began to wonder how much of her inner struggle she didn't hide.

"I mean, us. The two years we were apart. Everything till this moment."

Quinn's eyes narrowed and she looked intently at her. Her mouth turned down at the corners and her brow furrowed. Santana could see the glimmer of sadness in her eyes. But suddenly Quinn's face relaxed and she smiled.

"You're right, it wasn't easy. At all." She confirmed. "It was terrible actually."

"I know and I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize Santana, it wasn't your fault okay?"

"I know I just think—I think so many things would have been easier if I could have done the right thing at the time, you know?"

"Hey," Quinn squeezed her hand back and smiled, she laced her fingers with hers. "Don't be so hard on yourself, we can't control everything."

"Yes but—"

"But nothing. Babe, it seems like we always look back on the bad decisions we made but look where we are now." Santana listened to her carefully, Quinn's tone was firm but the smile never left her face. "Don't you think it's time to learn about them instead and look forward to the future?"

They said, when a woman is talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes. Sometimes when they would talk about what happened in the past Quinn's eyes would get teary from all the memories she had, but there weren't tears now, not today. She wasn't crying, in her eyes were just the memories, leaking out.

And Quinn was right, she always was.

Santana stared at her closely, studying her face, her eyes, everything. This was the angel that tamed her, the soul that trapped her and held her with a power she'd never felt before. Quinn seemed so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remained fixed on her. And with those eyes looking back at her with such adoration, Santana knew that everything she thought in this world was right.

Passion flows through her like a river of blood. Santana only looked away for a moment, and then sighed. Ready to do this.

"You're right, we can't control everything. But I can change some things." As she spoke, Santana reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a small velvet box. She opened it, and inside was a beautiful engagement ring. Quinn's hands quickly flew to her mouth and she gasped softly. "My life is just a bunch of bad decisions Quinn. But you—you're the best decision I've ever made. If there's one thing I am completely sure of, it's that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, that's how I knew that I have to have you forever. And I'm tired of waiting."

"Santana." Quinn murmured, and the tears were already visible.

With a nervous smile Santana stood up from the chair and dropped to one knee next to her, reaching for Quinn's left hand. She looked up into those hazel eyes she fell in love years ago; and she was sure her own eyes reflected that love and desire she knew she carried inside.

"Quinn Fabray," She said her name, her voice barely above a whisper before asking the question of her life. Her cheeks were absolutely burning and her heart was beating hard against her chest. "Will you marry me?"

Her ears pounded with the flow of blood and she was a nervous mess because she just wanted Quinn to marry her, marry her so she could be Quinn Lopez, or be just Quinn Fabray or be whatever the hell she wished to call herself but she just wanted Quinn to marry her and stay with her and never leave her again.

Quinn's mouth opened then closed and she directed her attention back down to the small box in front of her. Santana thought she was going to have a heart attack because Quinn wasn't saying anything.

But then a gorgeous smile graced her face, a smile that reflected just hope.

"Yes." Quinn whispered. "God, yes!"

Santana let out a breath she did not know she had been holding and grinned happily. She kissed Quinn's hand in response then tried to slid the ring onto her trembling finger, but she was so nervous herself and her hands were shaking so bad she couldn't put the ring on her finger at the first attempt. And of course Quinn teased her and she was giggling and then they were laughing and maybe this was what living felt like.

She barely had time to fully stand before Quinn was in her arms, she kissed her and Santana thought two things.

Number one, she hadn't missed a thing when it came to remembering the details of Quinn's dream proposal. And number two, she was absolutely in love with this woman.

Santana reached for her waist, pulling Quinn to stand in front of her. Her arms went around her, hugging her tight against her _—_ ready to face any obstacles to their happiness as they kept kissing.

Quinn touched her cheek tenderly and ran her fingertip through her jaw. They pulled back and Santana gazed intently at her beautiful face. It was incredible how in that moment she could only smile and feel.

"Now we'll celebrate this right here, just so you know." She murmured against her lips. Quinn looked at her confused for a split second and then began to smile just because Santana knew she was just as happy as she was in that moment. "With your family and our friends, and Beth of course. And this little one who is already here with us."

She placed her hand on Quinn's still flat belly in a protective gesture.

"A party, uh?" Quinn asked sweetly with a playful sparkle in her eyes, she observed her surrounding once again and it seemed like she finally realized that the coffee shop was in fact all set up to have a small party.

The way Quinn was looking at her told her she didn't need words.

"I have my moments." Santana shrugged as her lip twitched with amusement. Quinn batted her eyelashes while smiling sheepishly.

She could feel Quinn's heartbeat against her chest, and it was intimate, it was love. All she could feel in every inch of her body was love. Santana was seeing the rest of her life in front of her eyes. After all, all her tomorrows start right here.

"I love you, Quinn."

"I love you too San, so much." She whispered back, biting her lip to hold back her growing smile.

She found Quinn's mouth easily again, inhaling her scent. She kissed her again and again, over and over. Quinn's lips were kissing her the way Santana had thought she would never, in her life, be able to kiss her again. Her lips were warmer and softer than anything she could have imagined.

Santana picked her up gently in her arms and held her above her head, squeezing the love of her life tight against her chest as Quinn's giggle invaded her heart. All the while her mind reeled with what had happened—because looks like they've made it. It's been one hell after another, but they've finally made it.

She pulled Quinn back on the floor and smoothed back her hair before kissing the happy tears from her cheeks. The corners of Quinn's mouth curled into a beautiful smile.

That smile, that same hypnotizing smile that hides a thousand feelings behind, the smile that dared Santana to fall in love with Quinn every single day. The same smile that made her smile too.

If one thing Santana was absolutely sure of, was that she would love Quinn forever and beyond. Why? Because their love doesn't really have a happy ending. Their love has no ending, and they knew it. They survived the storm and they were going to live now. Happy together.

 _Until the end of time._

...

* * *

 **A/N: So... We have officially reached the end! I just want to thank everyone for keeping my story alive. And thank you all for your reviews, follows and favs.** **I hope this was for you a brilliant ending to a wonderful month! Let me know what you thought about this story or this last chapter.**

 **And ! Don't forget I'll be posting soon a new adventure :)**

 **Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year!**

 **See you soon.**


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